Page 76 of The Duke of Desire
“Yes.” She rolled her shoulders back and lifted her chin, giving him the haughty stare he recalled so well.
He suddenly felt as though he were twelve again, and she’d found the nude pictures he’d drawn of the scullery maid. His mother had thrashed him with a ruler, leaving angry red welts and even drawing blood. She’d forbidden him from telling his father, threatening to beat him again. Which she had the very next time she caught him doing something “naughty,” which in that case had been pleasuring himself a few months later.
“I understand there is a woman here and that you may be considering marriage. I came to ensure she is worthy. I am delighted you have finally decided to come to heel.”
Hot, fresh anger mingled with his old animosity forming a potent fury in his gut. He prowled toward her. “Who told you that?” he asked softly, but with a menace he didn’t bother to disguise.
She swallowed and brought her hands even higher—to chest height. “I have people at Stour’s Edge who are loyal.”
West thought back to who could’ve told her such a thing. It had to have been Hemphill, but he trusted the man. Furthermore, he’d hired Hemphill after his mother had left. West found it unlikely they would have formed a relationship of any kind. “I’ll fire everyone there unless you tell me who it is.”
She frowned severely, which only made her look even older and more…withered. “Don’t threaten me.”
“I’m not threatening you,” he growled. “I’m threatening my staff.Mystaff.”
“You always were a self-serving jackanapes.” She tossed her head. “Fine. Mrs. Best wrote to me.”
She was the housekeeper. How had she learned of this from Hemphill? West would get to the bottom of it when he returned home. “Your information is inaccurate. There is no woman. You came all this way for nothing.”
She exhaled, her frown deepening momentarily. “It wasn’t for nothing. I got to see you. You look well.”
He stared at her. She wanted to offer a compliment? Or have a pleasant exchange? She must be mad.
“You can’t think I’d want to see you. Or haven’t you noticed that I haven’t responded to your letters in nearly a decade?”
“Of course I noticed. It is a matter of continual disappointment for me. I failed you horribly. I never should have let your father have so much influence on you.”
This he wouldn’t stand. His lip curled, and his body went rigid with fury. “You will not malign him.”
She merely shrugged. “As you wish.”
“Iwishfor you to leave, and don’t return. In fact, stop writing those damn letters too.” He resolved right then never to read another one of them.
“Clare, you have a duty to marry and provide an heir. I would be remiss inmyduty if I didn’t ensure you held up your obligations. It is past time you marry. Stop this philandering absurdity and take a wife.” She wrinkled her mouth into a distasteful moue. “I suppose you could marry and continue your disgusting behavior. It wouldn’t surprise me if you turned out to be as faithless as your father.”
“And what would you expect him to be, dear mother, when his wife was a frigid shrew?”
She inhaled sharply. “You dare insult me.”
“I speak the truth, and you know it.”
“I should have punished you more. I should have beaten that insolence and arrogance right out of you. Along with your appetites. It’s my fault you’re a whore.”
He’d heard more than enough. “Get. Out.”
She came forward and cut him a wide berth, but paused just past him. “I will continue to pray for you. It’s not too late for you to seek absolution for your sins.”
West walked away from her and went straight to his private study to pour a glass of whiskey. His hands shook as he tipped the decanter against the glass. The pale amber liquid sloshed onto his hand. He tossed it back and let the alcohol burn through him, easing the tension strangling his insides.
The shame and self-loathing he’d felt as a boy washed over him. He poured more whiskey and drank it back. The more she’d taunted him and punished him for his transgressions, the more he’d rebelled against her. At thirteen, he’d convinced that scullery maid that he’d sketched to take his virginity. Then he’d shagged the upstairs maid. Then another. At fifteen, he’d seduced his mother’s lady’s maid. His mother had walked in on them and been horrified. Except…West had been fairly certain she’d watched for just a moment before shrieking her fury.
He’d felt bad about costing the maid her job, and had made sure that his father had written her a recommendation.
That rebellion was what had driven him to seek sexual affairs with married women. He knew it would drive his mother mad. And it did. He thought of Lady Lamberton, who’d been one of his first liaisons. He suddenly wanted to go to her house and fuck her until he couldn’t remember his name, let alone the painful memories his mother wrought.
Yes, he should do that. He set the whiskey glass down and went back into the drawing room. He was nearly to the door before he stopped cold.
What was he doing?
He didn’t want Lady Lamberton. He only wanted to defy and infuriate his mother. To what end? She couldn’t hurt him anymore. Not if he didn’t let her.
He had nothing to prove—not to her, not to anyone. Except maybe to himself. Perhaps it was time to let his past go and embrace his future.
Only the future he suspected he wanted was completely out of his reach.
