Page 78 of For Butter or Worse
“It’s more complicated than that.” What he had wasn’t a crush. His reaction to Nina was...alarming. His throat went dry when he thought about her, a burning that tightened and made it nearly impossible to swallow. He drank water, took deep breaths and at one point had even popped an allergy pill in a moment of desperation. But he wasn’t allergic to her, obviously. So, no, he didn’t have a crush—he had a reliance, and he went through withdrawal whenever they weren’t together.
“All I know is that this is the first time you’ve ever talked to me about someone you’re dating. So Nina must be different if you actually want my advice.”
Had Leo really never talked about his relationships with Gavin? He tried to remember the last time they’d had a chat that went beyond the business. Leo had always put his mom, brother and Vinny’s first, and any of his needs came after those. But now that he was with Nina, his priorities had shifted. What they had felt more real to Leo than any other relationship he’d been in.
“Yeah, she is different,” Leo admitted.
She’d given him hope that his issues weren’t a deal-breaker. When she’d opened up to him, he felt safe opening up right back to her. So maybe that had caused a little emotional avalanche, and he was now able to talk to his brother in a more truthful way.
“I know what will make this better.” Gavin’s knowing look made Leo nervous. “I’m getting you The Usual.”
“Gavin, not now.” He rubbed his eyebrows with his palms. The Usual would not fix anything.
Gavin held up a finger, then headed into the kitchen. Leo heard the pizza-oven door open, and he smelled melted cheese and bread just as quickly.
Gavin returned, carrying out an extra-large pizza, topped with ricotta, pepperoni and hot peppers. The way his dad used to make The Usual for them if life hadn’t gone the way they’d hoped. “Take a bite of The Usual and you’ll forget the unusual,” his dad would tell them.
“You said you didn’t need The Usual, but a brother knows.” His brother set down the pizza, then leaned across the table to study Leo. Gavin reached a finger out and tapped Leo’s cheek, then withdrew it. “Oh, dude, you are sweating like a motherfucker. See? This is why I don’t run.”
Leowassweating, and his head throbbed. Maybe the run had been too much, too fast. He took one deep belly breath to steady himself. He decided to change the subject.
“The numbers are still down, right?” If he brought his focus back to the business, he’d be able to get through the rest of the day.
“Why do you think I had The Usual ready to go?” Gavin helped himself to a slice and folded it in half before taking a bite.
“Has Ma said anything?”
“Well, she hasn’t said the words, but she’s doing that thing where she chews on her lips a lot. I saw her go through a whole tube of ChapStick the other day. She’s got eyes—she sees how we’re doing.”
He nodded to himself, because he already knew what the answer was—he had to close a location. Looking at the numbers again wouldn’t help. He’d squeezed, scraped and funneled as much as he could to buy them all some time, but now he had no choice.
Working with Nina hadn’t solved his problem, and neither had her connections. And now he had the even bigger problem of being in serious like with someone who’d told him to leave her alone.
He grabbed a slice of pizza and chewed. The cheese and bread and meat filled his mouth, and his brain stopped spinning for a few moments. He swallowed a massive stress bite, then stood and cracked his neck. It was going to be a long morning. “I’ll be in the office for a while.”
“I’ll eat the rest of this out of respect for you,” Gavin said through a mouthful of food.
“Someone has to.” He tried to force a smile as he walked toward the back, where he had a small, neat office, to handle the bookkeeping.
He sat at his desk chair, the same old worn leather one his dad had used, and that Leo had been too sentimental to give up. He turned on his computer. For the rest of the day, he’d focus on a strategy to close another Vinny’s location. He could salvage the mess he’d made, and to do that, he had to stop thinking abouther.
When he opened his email, in addition to all the work emails he planned to sift through, there was one from Tiffany. The subject line read, “Nina hasn’t signed on...” As in, Nina hadn’t signed on to go back for another season of the show. Of course, he already knew that, and knew she never would. But he’d hoped that Tiffany and the producers would’ve changed their mind and allowed Leo to return on his own. He didn’t open her email. Instead, he clicked on the Google news alert he’d set up to monitor mentions of his own name. Yes, he knew it was more than a little vain to be constantly surrounded by news about...himself. But he was a brand in many respects, so he had to keep tabs on how people viewed him in the press. Morbid curiosity made him open the email, but what he saw made his stomach drop.
The first article was titled, Three’s a Crowd: Does Leo Know About Nina’s Rendezvous? If he’d been a bigger person, he’d ignore the link, but he was petty, and a glutton for punishment. So when he opened up the article and saw photos of Nina getting into Charlie’s car, then of the two of them walking into the exclusive Soho House lobby...
He wasn’t surprised, exactly. Why should he be shocked that Nina wanted to go back to her ex? Even though she’d said he wasn’t a good guy, as a fellow chef, Charlie would understand Nina better than Leo ever could have.
Was this why she’d tried to end things with him, and over a text, no less? She’d sent Leo the quick dismissal, then hopped in the car with Charlie. Did she really care for him so little?
A sickening trickle of sweat formed across the top of his forehead. Nina had used him. She was having one final fling before returning to the man she actually had feelings for. Everything he’d experienced with her was a lie. Why had he thought their relationship would be any different in this arrangement than it was on the show?
His jaw clenched as he remembered their last few dates. Where he’d sensed their connection deepening. He’d thought someone—Nina—was finally starting to see who he really was. The women he’d dated before Nina had all judged him, he thought. But she was different, like his brother said. She’d accepted him. So what was he missing? How had she not felt what he had? Apparently, she’d had the opposite experience. Being with Leo brought her clarity—that she should go back to being with Charlie instead.
He started to feel light-headed, and he gripped the arms of his chair.Three deep belly breaths. He took them in, and the air rattled in his throat as he tried to catch it. He had so many problems to fix, and a panic attack couldn’t be one of them.
He was having a hard time slowing his thoughts. The room spun as he took in ragged gulps of air. His head throbbed. He could control this; all he had to do was find his breath.
Then there was nothing but blackness.
