Page 93 of Replay
“What is?”
“You and Cherry Two.” He makes a breaking motion with his hands.
“How is it your fault?”
His lips shift off to the side as he exhales heavily through his nose. “I told you about your father. Maybe that was a big mistake.”
A coldness settles over me at the direction this is going. “You told me because I was out of control and needed some direction in my life. And it worked. I wouldn’t have gone to law school if it weren’t for that conversation you and I had all those years ago.”
He taps his chest, his jaw clenched with emotion. “It hurt me to tell you.” His voice cracks as he makes a fist and pounds his heart. “It hurt your mother too. Maybe she was right, and you never should have known.”
“Nonno, we don’t have to talk about this. I’m not angry with you.”
He holds his finger up to silence me. “Santino, la famiglia is your every day, always.”
My eyes fall closed, and I nod. “I know this, Nonno.”
“You’ve had many plants you water, but none you bring home to meet Cherry.” He rubs his hand over the steering wheel like he’s speaking about his most cherished possession…which might be partially true.
I exhale heavily. “I thought I could be honest with Tilly, but when it came down to it, I don’t want her to know that about me. I don’t want to hurt her.”
“You’re scared of hurtingyourheart, not hers.” He points at my chest. “You’rescared no one could love you. But look at me, Santino. Look into my eyes. Ti amerò per sempre.”
My chest contracts with his words that I painfully repeat back to him. “I will love you forever too, Nonno.”
“You have love.” He sniffs and clears his throat, shaking away his emotion. “You remember that, and you can be brave and tell Cherry Two the truth. If she doesn’t like it, it don’t matter, because we are here.” He shrugs like this is the easiest and most obvious solution in the world. But it’s not. Nothing about this is easy.
The truth is, Tilly has a pattern of running when things begin to spiral out of her control. She ran when she got pregnant five years ago. She tried to pull away from me when Mac accused her of drinking again. Hell, she made us hide our relationship for weeks because she was so determined to have control. Now, she’s run from me because I refuse to confess all my innermost secrets.
Well, this time, I’m not chasing her. I’m not breaking down her door to force her to talk to me. If this is how she deals with conflict, hiding our relationship in the beginning, then running away when things get too real…she was never going to be able to handle the heavy burden I carry. If she’s the type to run now, she’ll definitely be the type to run when she knows the truth. We’re both better off this way.
“Iwant to host a surprise baby shower for Freya and Mac on Sunday. Do you think you could help me?” I ask Allie over the phone on Monday morning.
“Oh my God…I was just thinking of that! She wouldn’t let us plan anything once she was put on bed rest because Mac was so worried about the stress. But she’s doing so much better now!” Allie squeals so loudly in my ear I have to hold my mobile away from my face.
“She really is. I checked the Bethnal Green fixtures, and they have a home match on Saturday. I see that Arsenal plays Chelsea, so Camden should be in town too. After that, everyone is scattered for quite a while.”
“You’re so right,” Allie replies knowingly. “We have to do it this Sunday. And doing it now will make it more of a surprise for them, so it’s perfect.”
“I’m hoping you can help me with the guest list and a venue option? If it’s a lot of people, here won’t be big enough. Plus, it’ll kind of ruin the surprise if I start hanging streamers up.”
“My uncle Vaughn’s house in Chigwell would be perfect!” she exclaims. “It’s a mansion not too far out of London with tons of room for all the kids to play in the garden. Also! If I have Vaughn invite Mac and Freya to his weekly Sunday dinners, Mac won’t be able to say no because well, Vaughn can be terrifying when he wants to be. I’m sure my uncle would be keen to help out! And if not, I’ll sic his daughter, Vi, on him because no man in that family can say no to Vi.”
“This sounds great, Allie! Okay, you get Vaughn sorted and send me the guest list. I’ll handle everything else.”
“This is going to be so much fun! A couple’s shower with kids to truly terrorize Freya and Mac before their parental debut is just what the doctor ordered. Plus, the whole crew hasn’t all been together in ages. What an amazing idea, Tilly!” she peals with a shrill laugh that has me smiling on my end.
Once we hang up, I immediately begin making a list of everything I’ll need: decorations, game ideas, food and beverages—alcoholic and non-alcoholic for the mummy-to-be, kids, and me of course. Once that’s complete, I pop into the nursery next door to my bedroom to take an inventory of everything Freya and Mac have bought already. I know once invites go out, everyone will want to know what to get them for presents. Since I can’t exactly ask them to make a registry without spoiling the surprise, a proper snoop will have to do.
When I open the door to the nursery, I gasp at the transformation. Freya mentioned Mac had been busy in here, but I haven’t been around enough to peek inside and see how it was coming along. It’s positively stunning.
Freya said her inspiration was fresh farmhouse, and they pulled it off beautifully. A dark brown crib rests beneath the large west-facing window flanked with prints of horses and cows. A tall, rustic-looking wooden floor lamp by an antique rocking chair. The wall beside the chair features animal-print-covered shelves filled with old books my parents sent from our home. Bright bursts of colour are featured in the décor on the changing table, and I feel a knot form in my throat when I glance inside the crib and spot a baby vest folded neatly on top of the homemade quilt Freya’s mum sent.
The moment my fingers touch the embroidered text of Jacob Fergus Logan across the front of the wee outfit, an unexpected sob bursts out of me, and I find myself gripping the crib for balance.
It’s been two days since I left the Cotswolds, and I’ve managed to keep everything inside, not giving any ounce of time or energy to what happened there. I even checked into a hotel when I returned late Saturday night because I didn’t want to go through the drama of telling Mac and Freya why I was home early.
I’m not ready to tell anyone what transpired between Santino and me when I’ve worked so hard to be this new, improved version of myself. To come slinking back home to my brother to say we’re over after all that drama we went through is too humiliating to bear along with this heartbreak. I begged Mac to forgive Santino because I was madly in love with him, and now it’s all just gone. In the blink of an eye.
