Page 75 of Keeper
“Yes,” I swallow, not caring anymore how pathetic it makes me look.
“Because you developed feelings for me?” His jaw is tense with his denial.
“Because I loved you!” I scream, wanting to own up to all of it and not let him off easy. “Don’t cheapen what I felt, Booker. I just unloaded a six-year burden and it feels bloody good to be shot of it, especially when I know it means nothing to you.”
“It doesn’t mean nothing. I just…I can’t reciprocate it.” He scrubs his hands over his face as he adds, “I’ve seen the havoc love can wreak and I don’t want that, Poppy. The pleasure of love lasts a moment, but the pain of losing it lasts a lifetime.”
“Then what are you doing with me?” I cry, my voice rising with thick emotion bubbling up inside of me.
“I don’t know,” he stammers. “I’m just trying I guess. I thought you were okay with that!”
“It’s not enough,” I croak.
“Why? Why the pressure so fast? Why do I have to feel a certain way right this second?” His voice is nearly begging.
“Because I’m fucking pregnant, Booker,” I nearly sob.
He inhales sharply. “What?”
“I’m pregnant,” I repeat, all emotion evaporating from my body.
“No,” he whispers, his eyes searching all over the room for an escape.
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Yes!” I cry. “But don’t worry. I won’t expect anything from you.”
“What does that mean?” he snaps.
I exhale heavily, the knowing words tumbling out of me with ease. “It means I’ll do this on my own because I refuse to trap you in something you don’t want, and I refuse to trap myself in another loveless life with you.”
“You said we would never stop being friends.” His eyes are wide and angry. “You said in time we’d be Booker and Poppy again, no matter what.”
“I lied.” I say simply with a shrug. “I lied because I’ve been in love with you most of my bloody life and I thought this was my dream coming true.” I sniff back a sob that wants to escape, refusing to give myself over to it in front of him. “Now I see it’s my worst nightmare. I’ve been teased with what we could have, and it’s all for nothing because you can’t love me. I wish I’d never had a taste of this at all.”
When I move to leave, he slams his hand on the doorframe to stop me. The wood cracks from the force. “It’s been two bloody weeks, Poppy. I need more…time. This is all happening so fast!” He grabs the top of his head, hysteria taking over.
The old me wants to comfort him and let him use me in whatever way he’s emotionally capable of. But the new me knows I’m stronger than that. And I deserve better. They are simply words, but they are probably the most important words a person can ever hear.
“You’ve had a lifetime to fall in love with me. If it was going to happen, it would have by now.” With those final words, my heart begins to break, splitting down the middle like a crack in pavement. Hardening with the exposure to the elements around me. “I have to go.”
“You said you wouldn’t leave!” he shouts, wrapping me up in a strong hold and binding my arms down.
His exquisite firmness sends treacherous shivers up my spine. Familiar shivers that know his touch and trust it so much that I want him even in this state. I look up at him for a moment, fire burning the backs of my eyes as I take in his face. It’s likely the last time I’ll ever be this close to him. His rapid heartbeat in his chest. His heavy breaths. His lust-filled eyes even in the throes of a fight. I’ll never have any of this with him again.
I’m in love with my best friend…
…and this is where we end.
“I’m leaving, Booker, and you’re going to let me because you know better than anyone how awful it feels to be second choice.”
My words penetrate his frenzy and his arms drop, releasing me as he steps away from the doorway. I immediately dash into my room to throw on some pants and then storm down the hallway to leave. Without a look back, I walk out of his room, out of his flat, out of his building, and out of my best friend’s life…again.
POPPYMCADAMSIS A LIAR, I think as I stare at my face in the bathroom mirror. It’s been six days since she walked out of my flat. Six days since she went from being my favourite person in the world to the one that has the power to destroy me. She hasn’t returned any of my texts or calls. There’s no answer at her parents’ home in Chigwell. Nothing. Complete and utter silence, similar to the time she buggered off to Germany.
This isn’t how it was supposed to be. She promised me we would still be friends. The memory of her deceitful words on the Bethnal Green practice pitch haunt me.
