Page 74 of Keeper
Tears prick the backs of my eyes, and my voice surprises me when I croak, “I love you, Booker.”
He tenses beneath me. His hand stills on my belly. I clam up, too, because I didn’t mean to say those words out loud. I was so lost in the fantasy of being a happy family that they simply tumbled out.
“What did you just say?” he asks, his voice sounding completely different than it did when he was reading.
I swallow hard knowing that I can’t turn back now. There’s so much more coming, so I need to own this. “I said I love you.” I turn to look at him, and my heart sinks at the horror in his eyes. “Why are you looking at me like I just slapped you?” I ask, my voice laughing at the end because surely this is some sort of joke.
“Because that is a lot to throw at me out of the blue.” He jams his hand through his hair, pausing to grip the back of his neck.
“It’s hardly out of the blue,” I say with another awkward laugh, pushing my hair out of my eyes.
“We’ve been together for two weeks,” he barks, pulling back from me and perching himself on the side of the bed so he’s facing away from me.
I touch his back and he flinches like my hands are ice cold. My voice is hesitant as I say, “We’ve known each other our entire lives.”
He looks over his shoulder at me. “And have you ever heard me say that to anyone who isn’t family? Ever?” His voice is gruff.
“Wait a minute, what are you saying?” I’m completely baffled by what he’s implying. My mind begins churning over the last two weeks together…Hell, the last two months together. Surely my instincts aren’t that off the mark. “Are you saying you don’t love me?”
“Love is a word I devote to family, Poppy.” His words hit me like a blow to the chest. He turns and looks at me like his reply should explain everything.
It explains nothing.
“And I’m not considered family?” I bite back. “I thought I wasin your net. I thought things between us have grown even deeper than ever before. This hasn’t been casual for me, Booker.”
“I never said it’s casual.” He stands up from the bed, his back muscles flexing as he rests his hands on his hips.
“So, what is this between us?” I ask, my mind reeling with what else this could be if it’s more than friends but not love. “Is this just sex because I’m your flatmate and convenient?”
“No!” he snaps.
My chest heaves with a hysteric bubble of laughter as I prop myself on my knees and fist my hands in my lap, doing everything I can to contain the rage billowing up inside of me. “Then how can you look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me? We’re best fucking friends!”
“Because I still don’t know if I can trust you, Poppy!” he roars, turning and dropping his hands on the bed so he’s eye level with me. His face is mean and accusatory, staring at me like I’ve betrayed him all over again. “You buggered off to Germany without even thinking about me, like I was an inconvenient afterthought that showed up on your doorstep. You weren’t even going to say goodbye!”
“Because I was heartbroken!” I scream back, scurrying away from his penetrative eyes and sliding off the bed so we’re standing on opposite sides. I suck in big gulps of air as six years of pent-up history and hurt boil out of me like a hot tea kettle. How dare he look at me like I was the only one to do the hurting. How dare he act like I’m the one who can’t be trusted. How dare he! “I was crushed because you took Sidney bloody Carmichael to the woods. Our woods! Our special place. The place where we grew up together. The place where…The place where…” I pause, nerves choking my voice box. “Sod it, the place where I fell in love with you! You sure as hell had no problem tellingheryou loved her right before you fucked her. Is she related to you, Booker? Is that why it’s okay to love her but not me?”
“What the bloody hell are you talking about?” His voice booms in a manic outburst.
“I saw you guys that night after A-Levels before Giles Windsor’s party. She said she loved you and you said it back.” I feel like a child, but I can’t help it. Speaking about it out loud makes it feel as real and as horrid as the day I witnessed it.
“That’s not possible.” He’s shaking his head adamantly.
“It looked really bloody possible from where I was standing.” My lips curl in disgust at the memory. “Those woods, Booker. That place. It’s ours. Not hers. Why did you take her there of all the places?”
“I don’t know!” he exclaims, shoving a hand through his hair as he racks his brain for some recollection of the evening that I can recall in perfect clarity. “I didn’t think. She wouldn’t shut up about wanting to see the woods, and I was fucking eighteen years old and wanted to get laid, Poppy. My brothers were probably home and I thought it would be some place private.”
“A private place for you to tell Sidney Carmichael that you loved her,” I state, voicing the real issue at hand.
“No!” he roars. “I never told her I loved her. I’ve never said that to anyone, Poppy. No one. Only my family.”
I shake my head in disbelief. My voice silent as I think back to that night and what I think I saw. Maybe I didn’t stick around long enough to hear the words, but he crushed everything I held most precious about our history. Our childhood. Our youth. My voice is softer as I reply, “It was still our spot, Booker. Did growing up there with me feel so utterly inconsequential that you didn’t think twice before taking her out there to shag?”
“Jesus, fuck.” He pins me with a serious glower. “I’m sorry, all right? I did a lot of stupid things when I was younger. And I had no idea you were in love with me!” he bites. The words look like they are difficult for him to say, even as a repeat.
“It shouldn’t have mattered,” I reply firmly. “That fallen tree was mine. I was there long before you ever were. And you took her there and broke my heart and ruined that fucking place for me forever.”
He laughs, his eyes wide as he shakes his head back and forth, clearly at a loss. “So, you’ve kept this secret all this time? All these years? Is that why you left for Germany?”
