Page 8 of Letting Go of Yesterday
Rowan knew that her mother’s decision to leave her father had been the best thing for all of them. Katrina had gone from being distracted and unhappy, back to the loving mother she’d been when Rowan was a little girl. Her father and Marion seemed made for each other, and now that they were all finally getting along much better it was far harder to resent her mother for what had happened. Rowan hoped her children would come to feel that way much sooner than she had done, but it was a relief to have her mum on hand for support in the meantime, especially when it came to taking care of the children.
‘I’ll be back by four.’ Rowan had done a quick mental calculation in her head before confirming how long she’d be out. She was going into school to meet with a few of the staff who were making preparations for the start of term, and then she was going to see her dad and Marion on the way home. Although she hadn’t mentioned that last bit to her mum.
‘It’s no problem, sweetheart, don’t rush. Me and Dean are taking the kids to the beach while this weather keeps up, so you might be home before us.’ Rowan’s mother suddenly fixed her with a quizzical look and asked the question she’d been dreading since she’d been back living full time in Port Agnes. ‘Are you seeing your dad and Marion soon?’
‘I—’ For a second or two, Rowan considered lying, but that was something she promised herself she wouldn’t do. There’d been far too many lies over the years and it was a tradition in her family that she was determined to put an end to. ‘I’ve spoken to them on the phone three times since we got here, but today is the first chance I’ve had to get over there. I’m going to pop in on the way home because Marion has got some bits she bought the kids.’
Even though her parents were now getting on far better with one another, Rowan braced herself for her mother’s response. When Bella had been born, Katrina had got very huffy about what the baby might end up calling Marion. Before that, money had always been a bone of contention. Her father was a wealthy man and things had always been a bit more of a struggle for her mum and Dean, at least until they’d inherited his mother’s place. Rowan had heard it all over the years, and was fully expecting Katrina to say something along the lines of: ‘How nice for Marion, of course she’s got the children something, it must be so lovely having money to splurge like that, because I walked away without taking anything from your father. She forgets that you know, when she acts all high and mighty like the perfect wife. I bet her ex would have something to say about that. She left him for your father so quickly that the poor sod must have whiplash.’
It was word for word what her mother had said to her in the past, but Katrina’s response this time couldn’t have shocked Rowan more if she’d whipped off the floppy straw hat she was wearing to reveal a pink mohawk underneath.
‘Oh brilliant. Can you give her this?’ Her mother grabbed a jar from the dresser. ‘It’s some comfrey and mallow foot balm. She hurt her foot when we were line dancing last Wednesday, and I swear by this stuff. Nowhere in the village stocks it, but I picked up a jar when I was in Truro yesterday. Tell her she needs to get it sorted quickly, because line dancing isn’t the same without her.’
There was so much to unpack from what her mother had just said that for a moment Rowan just stood there and she had to blink three times to make sure this wasn’t some weird kind of dream. ‘You go line dancing with Marion? I know you two can finally be in the same room these days, but I had to reorganise the seating plan at my wedding three times because of how you felt about Marion. And now you’re line dancing. Together.’
Katrina sighed and shook her head. ‘I know, and I wish I could go back and change all of that, it was so stupid. We all had this pent-up resentment for years. Your dad was angry at me and Dean for what happened, and I was bitter about Marion jumping into my shoes so quickly when she was my friend and I’d told her about problems between me and your father. Looking back I even found myself wondering if she’d encouraged me to leave him, because she wanted to take my place. So when it first happened, I never wanted to talk to them again and I’m sure they felt the same. Things are so much better now, I just wish I’d done it sooner, because I missed Marion, and even your dad too in some ways. Now I’ve got them back and we’re not just civil any more, we’re friends again.’
‘So what changed?’ Rowan sank down on to a kitchen chair hoping that her mother might be able to come up with some kind of secret formula that could help her view James as a friend again.
‘It was easy when we were living in London to pretend they didn’t exist and vice versa. When we got back home that got harder. I kept bumping into Marion at various things and finding myself avoiding places, or not joining groups because I knew she was a part of them. We were forced to start acknowledging each other’s existence and that made it easier for us all to be around each other at things like the kids’ birthday parties.’
‘I was so pleased when I stopped having to have two birthday celebrations, although I think the kids were a bit disappointed.’ Rowan gave her mother a wry smile. ‘But that’s very different from actively hanging out together.’
‘I know and I really didn’t think we’d get back to the point where we’d choose to, not unless we had to come together for you or the kids. But then, about six months ago, Nicky Jones started a line dancing class in the village hall. It was something I’ve always wanted to do, but the first night I showed up, Marion was there. She smiled and asked me if I was as nervous as she was about messing up and we started reminiscing about the aerobics sessions we used to go to together and how bad we were at following the steps. After the class, we went out for a drink, and the landlord had to throw us out in the end because we were still talking at closing time! She admitted that when we’d first come back to take over Dean’s mum’s cottage she’d prayed we’d sell up and go again as soon as possible. And I told her that’s exactly what we’d discussed doing, but because we both loved Port Agnes so much we decided to stay, even if it meant dodging your father and Marion for the rest of our lives, unless you were there too. We laughed at how stupid that idea was and we talked about everything that had happened. Within minutes of sitting down I remembered why I’d liked Marion so much in the first place and why we’d been best friends, and now I’d say we’re pretty close to being back to that.’
‘Wow.’ Rowan blinked a few times again, to make sure this really wasn’t a dream. ‘Why didn’t you tell me that things had moved on so much between you?’
‘I was planning to and then everything happened with James. After that it was a whirlwind of you going for interviews and getting the job at the school. Then trying to find a place for you to live. It didn’t seem like a priority to tell you about me and Marion and I felt guilty for everything we’d put you through, when we could have sorted all of this out years ago. But now I think about it, in some ways the timing couldn’t have been more perfect.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘We made some terrible mistakes and the person that cost the most was you.’ Katrina moved to stand behind Rowan’s chair and put an arm around her shoulder. ‘Whatever James has done, and there’s no denying he was in the wrong, please don’t waste all the years we did on being bitter and angry, or hating him. James isn’t a bad person, deep down you know that, he just did a bad thing. I suspect you’re already doing a far better job of putting your feelings to one side, because of how much you love the children. But I want you to let go of the anger and resentment for yourself too, it’ll only end up causing you more pain in the end if you don’t.’
As her mother squeezed her shoulders again, Rowan pressed her lips together, fighting the urge to tell her mother it was easy to say from her position, when she’d been the one whose actions had broken up her marriage. Except she knew her mother was right, assigning blame wouldn’t change anything and the bitterness that grew out of that would taint everything. That was the last thing she wanted for her children. She didn’t want Bella or Theo to have to keep their parents separate at their own weddings, or to be afraid to tell her that they were visiting their father because of her reaction to the news. She was still furious with James for taking more than two decades of her life from her under false pretences, but she wasn’t going to let her children become a casualty of that anger. She wasn’t under any illusion that it was going to be easy and she wasn’t sure they’d ever be able to salvage a friendship, but she was willing to try.
* * *
Port Agnes Primary School was built from granite and it was where the children of the village had been educated for well over two hundred years. At first glance, when Rowan had arrived for her interview, it barely seemed to have changed since she’d been a pupil there herself. A closer inspection had revealed that there were a couple of additional buildings in the grounds and a play area covered with a stretched awning to protect it from the weather. The playground was tarmacked, with a grassy area to one side of it that was home to a copse of trees, which had real potential to be utilised for forest school activities. She’d spoken with passion at her interview about making it into an area all of the children could use and perhaps even grow some of their own plants.
It wasn’t a huge piece of land, but with careful planning they could achieve something special and one of the first emails she’d sent, after being appointed, had been to request some funding to move forward with making the space available to everyone. Having discovered that one of the pupils relied on a wheelchair, she’d been particularly keen to ensure he wasn’t left out. Green space was limited in the middle of the village and larger school events were held either on the land next to St Jude’s Church, or on one of the local farms. Rowan could still remember going up the hill to Home Farm, as part of a crocodile of children, marching side by side and chattering excitedly about the sports day to come.
Stopping by the gate, she looked at the school sign. There’d been a change since her last visit and the previous headteacher’s name had been replaced with her own. Port Agnes Primary was her school now and she allowed the thought to sink in. None of this had been what she’d wanted or expected. Becoming head of a large, prestigious independent school while she was still in her thirties had been the stuff that dreams were made of; Rowan’s dreams anyway. Heading up a village primary of fewer than two hundred pupils was a huge step backwards career-wise. Yet, in this moment, it felt as if it was where she was supposed to be, as though she’d come full circle from that little girl who’d always dreamt of being a teacher, and who’d made her friends play act at being the pupils, while she’d taken on the role of schoolmistress. She’d devoured the Enid BlytonMallory TowersandSt Clare’sbooks as a child, so arguably Membory Grange had been the true full circle moment. Whatever the truth of that, her days of heading up an exclusive boarding school were over. She was head of a small village primary school now instead, and she was determined to feel grateful for it.
‘Rowan Adams! They said it was you, but I refused to believe it until I saw you with my own eyes.’ Bex White was wearing a sage green linen dress as she hurtled down the path towards her. The dress looked too tight to run in, but somehow Bex was managing it and within seconds she’d flung her arms around Rowan. ‘I know it’s Bellamy now, but you’ll always be Rowan Adams to me. I’m still White of course, because when your husband has a surname like Handcock it would give the Year 6s a field day!’
Bex White had barely ever paused for breath back when they’d met as children at Port Agnes Primary. When Rowan had decided which characters her friends should be in her make-believe school game, something they’d spent many a breaktime playing, she’d always cast Bex as the naughtiest pupil, who couldn’t stop talking. She was a natural for the part and it seemed not much had changed in that respect.
‘It’s so good to see you and to know I have a friendly face in my new job.’ Rowan smiled as Bex finally released her. They’d been good friends at primary school and part of a group of close friends at Three Ports High School too. They’d kept in touch over the years and seen each other occasionally, but after Rowan had moved to London things had never been quite the same. Over time their lives had headed in different directions and their contact had moved mainly online. For the past ten years her closest friends had been Pippa and Odette, who were now three hours away and the test of distance on those friendships had only just begun.
‘I can’t believe you’re going to be my boss.’ Bex was grinning as she looped an arm through Rowan’s. ‘I just hope you’re not going to shout at me as much as you used to when you were our very own Miss Trunchbull. I still think about those days when I’m walking through the playground.’
‘I promise I’ll do my best not to be Miss Trunchbull and I don’t want you to think of me as your boss. For a headteacher, the admin manager is the single most important person in a school like this. So we’re partners as far as I’m concerned.’
‘Partners it is then. You and me against the rest of the world.’ As Bex squeezed her arm again, Rowan just hoped it wasn’t true. She didn’t want her new job to be filled with conflict, she’d had enough of that to last her a lifetime.
6
The influx of second homeowners and holiday lets in some Cornish villages had priced local families out of living there, particularly in the villages closest to the coast. It meant that there were quite a few schools threatened with closure, because there just weren’t enough families with school age children living in the area. Port Agnes Primary was lucky in that respect. The maximum number of pupils the school could accommodate was 196, and the addition of Bella and Theo had taken the school to its limit. Each year group had a maximum of 28, and they had been oversubscribed for the Reception class, who would be starting at the same time as Rowan, with applications coming from children living up to ten miles away. It was a good position for the school to be in and the previous head had consistently achieved good feedback from Ofsted, but there were still changes Rowan wanted to make, things she could see that could make a good school even better. Having forest and beach school activities would provide interactive learning experiences for the children, making use of the coastal and woodland environments on their doorstep. Although Rowan was aware of the need to tread carefully. The previous headteacher had been well liked and the school had an active and engaged PTA, and board of governors. Rowan needed to respect and acknowledge the good work that had been done for the school in recent years, before beginning to introduce changes, and the best way of doing that was to get to know the school and staff as well as she could.
