Page 46 of Letting Go of Yesterday
‘Yep, shelurvesyou!’ Will mimed cuddling himself and making kissing sounds. Suddenly it was like they were teenagers again and he was teasing Nathan about how much he’d liked Rowan back then.
‘Will you shut up?’ Nathan laughed despite his words.
‘I will if you go down there and tell her how you feel, because if you don’t, I will.’
‘Okay, but I’m not going to tell her about the VAT stuff. Maybe one day, but not yet.’
‘Why not?’ Will narrowed his eyes. ‘I can’t imagine Rowan wanting to go to the police or HMRC, and tell them what really happened. She’ll understand why we both did what we did. She might not condone it, but it’s obvious how fond she is of Leo, and she’d never do anything to hurt him.’
‘I know that, but it matters to me that she likes me enough for none of that to be a dealbreaker for her.’ Nathan shrugged. ‘Maybe it’s a twisted way of thinking, but after the way some people have treated me over the years, the fact that she thinks I’m worth a second chance is everything.’
‘It’s okay, I get it. Now for God’s sake just go and talk to her, and whatever you do don’t blow it this time, because I’ll think you’re a bloody idiot forever if you do.’
‘Thanks for the pep talk.’ Nathan grinned again before heading out of the door and taking the stairs two at a time. Second chances really were priceless and he’d never wanted one more than he did right now.
* * *
‘Have you seen your mum anywhere, Theo?’ Nathan’s voice filtered through to where Rowan was standing, crouched behind a Red Robin bush in the back garden. She’d thrown herself into playing hide-and-seek with the children, to get away from all the questions after she’d kissed Nathan and he’d immediately disappeared.
Hiding seemed like a good idea given that her cheeks still felt as though they were on fire. There was every chance she’d given the village gossips the best fodder they’d had in years for absolutely no reason, and embarrassed Nathan into the bargain. He’d told her he only wanted to be friends and she’d been arrogant enough – certain enough of the attraction and feelings between them – to think it had been his way of letting her off the hook, because of everything that had been going on with James. Except he’d stood there after the kiss, looking as if he’d forgotten how to speak. She’d turned away for less than a couple of seconds when Bex had let out a delighted whoop and, by the time she’d turned back, Nathan was gone. As much as hiding out was a good way to stop the rest of the guests from seeing how embarrassed she was, it was also giving her far too much time to wonder just how horrified Nathan might be about what she’d done. But she was about to find out.
‘She’s hiding somewhere, but she’s really good at it and we can’t find her.’
‘Shall I give you a hand?’ Nathan’s tone was conspiratorial and she could hear the grin in Theo’s voice as he replied.
‘Yes please, she’ll never be able to hide from you.’ Rowan had a horrible feeling that her son was right and she knew she couldn’t hide forever either way. She’d have to face Nathan sooner or later, but she still tried to hold her breath as she heard footsteps growing closer and then suddenly there was a hand on her arm.
‘Found you.’ Nathan’s tone was warm, but as she forced herself to turn and look at him, she still couldn’t read his expression.
‘You were the one who disappeared first.’ She wanted to drop her gaze so that she didn’t see a look of pity cross his face, but she made herself hold eye contact and then he took hold of her hand.
‘I’m so sorry, it was just… It was the last thing I ever expected you to do, especially in front of a room full of people and I didn’t know what it meant.’ There was a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, but she was done with trying to read his emotions. She needed to know.
‘What does it usually mean when a woman kisses you? I know we’ve probably lived very different kinds of lives but when I kiss someone like that, it means I like them. A lot. And when I kiss someone in public, it means I’m happy for the world to know that I like that person. A lot.’ Rowan was aware that there was an edge to her voice now, but she didn’t want any more half measures. They were either in this for real, or they were out. ‘There’s a lot I need to tell you about what happened with James, but I can do that now the children know everything. I also know how much Bella and Theo like you, so there’s only one barrier stopping us from taking this any further. There aren’t any cast-iron guarantees in life, I understand that, but I’ve got to be as sure as I can that we’re on the same page. I’m not about to let myself or my kids fall any more in love with you than we already are, if you’re not sure how you feel.’
‘You’re in love with me? I think that might be the best thing I’ve ever heard.’
‘I didn’t say that, I said?—’
‘You more or less did.’ He grinned, cutting her off and she pretended to push him, trying not to laugh, all of the tension she’d felt slowly diffusing. He was infuriating and gorgeous and a big part of her just wanted to kiss him again, but she needed more than that. She needed to hear him say how he felt.
‘Oh for God’s sake okay, maybe I did say that, but you still haven’t told me how you feel and whether you’re as sure as you can be that we aren’t making a huge mistake by giving this a try.’
‘I’ve never once doubted how I feel, from the moment I saw you again. It was exactly how I felt more than twenty years ago, but then it got even bigger. The only doubt I had was how you felt about me and the person I’d been in the time we were apart. Then you kissed me and I wanted it to mean everything I thought it might mean, but I couldn’t believe it did. That’s why I disappeared and asked Will what he thought; he told me I was an idiot and to get myself down here before I ended up blowing my second chance with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.’
‘You are an idiot, but after that comment, I might just let you off.’ She dropped Nathan’s hand and stepped back, his face falling in response.
‘What’s the matter?’
‘Nothing. I’m just waiting for you to kiss me this time.’
‘Oh.’ When he smiled again, she couldn’t help mirroring his expression, her whole body tingling as he pulled her towards him. The kiss, had anyone been there to witness it, would have left no one in any doubt how Nathan felt about her, least of all Rowan, but this kiss definitely wasn’t for public consumption.
* * *
By the time the last of the other party guests had gone, Rowan had been able to fill Nathan in on what had happened with James and how much she wished she hadn’t tied herself up in knots trying to keep things secret from him. He’d kissed her again and told her she was just doing what she thought was best for the children and that he’d probably have done exactly the same thing. It was yet more proof that Nathan understood the most important thing about her, that the children would always come first, and that it wasn’t just something he’d be able to tolerate, it was the way he lived his life too. Back in the days when she used to practise a signature that said Rowan Lark, she’d pictured what it might be like to have a family with Nathan. It hadn’t looked anything like her life did now, but just like a patchwork quilt could be far more beautiful than a blanket made from one neat piece of material, the family they might one day become felt like a beautiful possibility.
All of that was a long way off, but it didn’t feel like it as she sat in Will and Heather’s kitchen, holding baby Nathalia in her arms. All four of her parents and Irene were playing Monopoly in the living room with Bella and Tiffany, while Leo and Theo sat at the kitchen table eating what was quite possibly their third slice of cake.
