Page 29 of Letting Go of Yesterday
‘Despite the fact that I’m Port Agnes’s most famous ex-con?’ He grinned and she put one hand on the side of his face.
‘No, because of that.’ His mother planted a kiss on his cheek, pulling away and gesturing towards the plate she’d left on his workbench. ‘Just make sure you eat something before you head out. And remember, if this girl is the right one, what’s happened in the past won’t matter to her. And I think Rowan might be the right one, I really do.’
His mother headed out of the door before he could answer, but when he replied to the empty room it was no less heartfelt.
‘Me too, Mum. Me too.’
* * *
If anyone had told Rowan when she was sixteen that her father would one day allow himself to be pelted with water bombs by his grandson and his best friend, who would be laughing uproariously in the process, she’d never have believed them. Even more unbelievable would have been the idea that her father’s former best friend and business partner would go from being his arch enemy back to being his friend again. Much less that they’d be standing side by side in the pool, ready to be pelted with water bombs by the boys. Her mother and Marion were far more sensible, sitting together on the side of the pool, laughing. Their excuse for not getting wet was that they were going out together soon, taking Bella and her best friend Tiffany to get their nails painted for the very first time at a beauty salon in Port Tremellien. Rowan hadn’t been sure about the idea at first, Bella wasn’t even eleven yet, but the salon had a special package for children, with pretty nail art, but easily removable polish. It wasn’t something that would damage the girls’ nails or need another visit to the salon to remove it, and Tiffany’s mother had already been planning to take her there for her next birthday anyway.
Tonight the girls would be having a sleepover together at Katrina and Dean’s house, and the boys would be staying with Tony and Marion, mostly so that Leo could maximise his swimming time. Tomorrow her parents and stepparents would be taking all four children out to lunch and then to the cinema in Truro. None of these were things Rowan could ever have imagined, and it gave her hope for a future where she and James might be able to have a similar kind of co-parenting relationship and, who knows, maybe they could even be friends. His stay in the Airbnb was fast approaching, but he’d been conspicuous by his silence for over a week, missing his regular FaceTime with the children and sending just a four-word text in explanation.
Sorry, something came up
Rowan had a feeling that something was Euan Samuels. As hard as it might have been for James to supress who he really was for so long, none of that excused sidelining the children. James had already broken several promises to them since they’d left Membory Grange and Rowan had every intention of telling him in no uncertain terms that all of that had to stop now.
‘Here we go, boys, bombs away.’ Nathan was on the other side of the pool to her, loading up water bombs for Theo and Leo to drop on her father and Dean. He was laughing conspiratorially and, if anyone had looked in on the scene, they would have sworn all of them were family and that Nathan was the kind of father who knew exactly how to have fun with his children. He would be a great dad and it made Rowan’s chest ache that a stupid mistake might have robbed him of that chance.Maybe it wasn’t too late, but at her age…Rowan shook the thought from her head. It was ridiculous to think like that. In just a few minutes, she and Nathan would be going out on their first real date. For all she knew it might also be their last, so all the stupid thoughts that were racing through her mind needed to stop right now. It was just sixteen-year-old Rowan making an appearance, that was all. The same girl who’d practised pairing her name with his: Rowan and Nathan, even Rowan Lark. But that girl had to stay firmly in the past, where she belonged. Rowan wasn’t a carefree sixteen-year-old any more and life wasn’t make believe. She knew that better than anyone.
‘Right, we need to make a move, girls, if we’re going to get to our appointment.’ Katrina stood up, and Marion and the two girls quickly followed suit. All of them bidding farewell in a flurry of excited goodbyes.
‘If you boys have had enough of water bombs, we can get you in for a swim.’ Tony’s suggestion was greeted with an enthusiastic response from both boys, and he turned towards Rowan. ‘You and Nathan can get off now; Dean and I can get the boys sorted.’
‘Are you sure?’ She glanced over to where her stepfather was already setting up the mobile hoist, wondering if he or any of the others realised that she and Nathan weren’t just heading off at the same time, they were going on a date. They’d done their best to be discreet, acting like the friends that until very recently she’d been determined they should remain. If the others did know, they were clearly deciding to be discreet too; Rowan’s father smiling as he responded to her question.
‘Absolutely, we’re old hands at this. Nathan knows we can handle it, don’t you?’ Her father looked towards him and he nodded, before turning in Rowan’s direction.
‘Your dad has been great letting Leo come here and swim whenever he wants.’
‘It’s been an absolute pleasure.’ The sentiment in her father’s voice was so sincere she caught her breath, but it wasn’t just because of what he’d said. It was what it signified, and how much her father had changed from the bitter, hate-filled person he’d been when her parents had first split up. If she’d ever doubted that people were capable of change if they were given a second chance, she had to believe it now.
‘Are you ready to go?’ She smiled at Nathan, and the same butterflies she’d felt at sixteen seemed to be out in full force when he smiled back, and she knew that no matter how much she wanted to pretend, this wasn’t just a casual first date.
‘I am if you are?’ He smiled, giving her one final chance to step back and protect herself in the only way that could be guaranteed, by not getting involved. Instead she found herself nodding and followed his lead, stepping straight into the unknown.
16
There’d been a handful of occasions during their marriage when Rowan had expressed concern to James about their lack of intimacy. It was usually after a conversation with friends, like the one she’d had with Pippa and Odette just before she’d discovered his affair, when she’d question whether there was something fundamentally wrong with their relationship. James would pull out all the stops to convince her that there wasn’t anything wrong, by planning some kind of romantic grand gesture. Over the years there’d been a trip to Paris on the Eurostar to have dinner on the Champs-Élysées, a diamond ring, a couple of huge bouquets and a dozen heart-shaped cupcakes delivered to her office. People would tell her how lucky she was to have such a romantic husband, who clearly adored her, and she’d push her concerns about their lack of intimacy back down. But the truth was she hadn’t wanted any of those grand gestures. She’d wanted a connection between the two of them that they didn’t have with anyone else, something that placed their relationship into a different category to the ones she had with her closest friends or family. She’d wanted fun and laughter and, yes, a physical connection to the man she’d chosen to spend her life with, but it hadn’t been there and the things James had tried to substitute it with hadn’t made up for it.
Rowan hadn’t realised quite how sad and hollow that had left her feeling until she’d got out of the situation. She’d buried herself in work and motherhood, but since coming home to Port Agnes she’d finally allowed herself to acknowledge that she wanted more than that, and it was Nathan who’d been the catalyst for admitting those feelings to herself. She had no idea where things between them were going to go, but reconnecting with him had proved that the feelings she’d had decades earlier hadn’t just been teenage infatuation, they were real. A powerful physical connection with the potential for fireworks wasn’t just the stuff of novels and rom coms. She’d felt it when she was with Nathan and, even if he wasn’t meant to be a part of her life in the long term, she’d always be grateful to him for opening her eyes to the truth. She’d allowed James to manipulate her into believing their marriage was normal, but the truth was he wasn’t entirely to blame. She’d played her own part in manipulating herself. She’d wanted to believe their marriage was okay, so she’d ignored all the signs to the contrary. Now there didn’t seem to be any going back to the pretence that a platonic relationship was enough for her and she didn’t want to. When she’d agreed to go out with Nathan, he’d called and asked her if there was anywhere in particular she wanted to go. Her response had been immediate.
‘I just want to do something fun. Nothing fancy. Why don’t you take me where you planned to take me all those years ago, when you were first going to ask me out?’ She’d tried to keep the playful tone out of her voice, but she hadn’t quite pulled it off, because there’d been a part of her that had suspected his mind might have been on one track at that age. He might well have planned to take her somewhere they could find some privacy, to spend the entire time kissing her and trying to take their relationship to another level. The thought of him wanting to recreate a date like that – one that had never happened – sent tingles up her spine. But she was terrified too, because she couldn’t help wondering if there might be something wrong with her, something that made her fundamentally undesirable when things reached that stage. She didn’t feel that way when she was with Nathan, but anticipation could be very different to reality and the idea of being a huge disappointment to him almost made her want to pull out of the date altogether. She was overthinking it though; Nathan wouldn’t rush her into anything she wasn’t ready for, Rowan was certain of that.
‘Okay, you asked for it.’ He’d laughed in response to her instruction. ‘Just make sure you’re wearing socks.’
‘Why do I need to be wearing socks?’
‘You’ll find out.’ She’d been able to hear the grin in his voice and picture his dark blue eyes crinkling in the corners and suddenly, whatever the date might involve, it couldn’t come soon enough.
‘Are you enjoying yourself?’ Nathan was looking at her now, and she couldn’t believe her answer wasn’t obvious. They’d been laughing almost non-stop since arriving at the bowling alley just outside Port Tremellien, mainly because of how truly terrible Rowan was at bowling, even with the guardrails that were meant for children up to stop her ball rolling into the gutter. After several disastrous attempts, she’d got it into her head that using the heaviest ball would mean she couldn’t bowl it hard enough for it to go off at an angle and that it would go straight down the middle instead. In reality, before the ball had finally rolled slowly along the guardrail and knocked over two pitiful pins, Rowan had travelled part way down the lane too, dragged by the weight of the ball, Nathan had clearly been trying his best to keep a straight face, while he checked that she hadn’t hurt herself, but then he’d started to laugh.
‘I mean you could just go a bit further down and kick the pins over, or we could ask the kids two lanes up if we can borrow the launcher they’re using. I think you need it more than they do.’ He’d gestured towards the blue plastic ramp in the shape of a dragon and she’d laughed too. Nathan’s teasing was all in good fun, and she’d started it, ribbing him about the way he walked up to the line to ready himself before he bowled, doing an exaggerated impression of it like a graduate from the Ministry of Silly Walks. When she’d told him after her next turn that she thought the teenage boys in the next lane were laughing at how awful she was at bowling, she’d felt the first frisson of embarrassment, wondering just for a moment if she was making a fool of herself in front of him. But the next time Nathan had walked up to the line, he’d done a pirouette spin before releasing the ball with a grunt a tennis player would have been proud of, making sure that if the teenagers were ridiculing anyone, it wouldn’t be Rowan.
Nathan wasn’t afraid of laughing at himself and when she’d asked him to help her bowl her next shot, he’d moved behind her and checked if he could put his hand over hers to show her how he would throw the ball. It had felt as if electricity was thrumming through her body and she’d been left almost bereft when he’d stepped away again. About five minutes before he’d asked Rowan whether she was having a good time, she’d realised she was on the best date of her life. She couldn’t tell him that, though, it would have sounded ridiculous. So she had to play it down.
‘It’s been really good fun and I’m so glad you decided to take me on the same date you would have done the first time around.’
‘I hope you still feel that way when I take you for dinner. A portion of chips from Penrose Plaice to share, straight out of the bag, and we can split a can of Coke too. That was top of the range for my budget back then.’
