Page 24 of Letting Go of Yesterday
‘I do.’ Rowan stared into the fire pit, the words she was desperate to say almost escaping from her throat, even as she tried to weigh up whether she really should confide in Nathan, but then he knew better than anyone what it was like to be the centre of attention for all the wrong reasons, and she felt she could trust him not to repeat anything she told him. ‘James is going to be coming to Port Agnes.’
‘Oh.’ Rowan could see the muscle going in Nathan’s cheek in the flickering firelight. ‘Are you two going to give things another try?’
‘God no, there’s no going back after what happened. He wants to see the kids, but he’s told us he’s coming a couple of times and then something comes up, but now he’s definitely coming in the second part of half term week. I’ve found him an Airbnb. He wanted to stay here, but I didn’t think that would work.’ As she looked at Nathan again, the tension seemed to drain from his face.
‘That’s good, isn’t it? I’m sure the kids will want to see him too, and I can understand you not wanting him to stay here. I couldn’t think of anything worse than having to be under the same roof as Nicole.’
‘Exactly.’ She took a deep breath. ‘I’m not good at being in the same room as someone who lied to me the way he did.’
‘You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.’ The gentle tone of Nathan’s voice was enough to convince her that shedidwant to talk about it.
‘He had an affair.’ It was a relief to finally say the words out loud and to know that Nathan was the last person who’d go around spreading gossip about why her marriage had ended.
‘Then he’s an idiot.’ His eyes didn’t leave her face, but she could easily have lowered her gaze or looked away like she had so many times before. Except this time she didn’t. This time she did the one thing she’d been longing to do for weeks and pressed her mouth against his, gently at first, but then more urgently, vague traces of a citrusy aftershave mingling with the woody smoke in the air, and her body flushing with a heat that had nothing to do with their fire. If they’d been alone, there was no way of telling what would have happened, but she knew what she wanted to happen. Except they weren’t alone, and she forced herself to pull away from him, immediately looking over her shoulder to make sure the children hadn’t suddenly appeared. It was just a kiss, but no one wanted to see their mother kissing, especially someone who wasn’t their father.
‘Well, that was unexpected.’ Nathan grinned and suddenly the woman who’d been brave enough to make the first move was back.
‘But not unwelcome?’
‘Definitely not. I’ve been waiting to do that again for well over twenty years, and I’ve got to say it was even better than last time.’
‘That’s down to you, because I certainly haven’t had a lot of practice.’ The words were out of Rowan’s mouth before she could stop them this time. James had never been keen on kissing, which made a lot of sense now. She remembered reading an article once about how sex workers often didn’t kiss their clients, reserving that for the people they loved, because it felt far more intimate than sex itself. Maybe James had felt the same way. Either way, it meant the kissing in their marriage had been a series of perfunctory exchanges – accompanied by hellos and goodbyes – and that the kiss she’d had with Nathan when she was sixteen had remained the best kiss of her life, until now. He was looking at her quizzically now and she had to offer him some kind of explanation that wouldn’t immediately give away the fact her marriage had been a sham. ‘James was my onlyproperboyfriend. So I never got the chance to kiss a lot of frogs, I just married the first one who asked me instead.’
‘You definitely don’t need any practice, although I guess we should make sure that wasn’t just luck.’ There was a glint in Nathan’s eye and his obvious desire for her made him even more attractive. She should just laugh it off, this wasn’t the right time in her life to start giving in to her feelings, and Nathan almost certainly wasn’t the right person. Yet she couldn’t deny she liked him, and not just because he was gorgeous and made her feel like she was too. It meant she couldn’t laugh it off, because she didn’t want to stop feeling this way – as if a part of her that had been left to die was suddenly being reawakened.
‘I think you’re probably right. We need to make sure it wasn’t a fluke, but next time it needs to be when we’re on our own. If the kids saw us…’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t want them worrying and they still haven’t really come to terms with the fact that James and I aren’t together any more.’
‘It’s okay. I think if Leo saw us, he’d be thrilled because it would mean he got to spend even more time with Theo. Although I’d be worried about him getting ahead of himself and thinking we’ll all end up as one big happy family.’ Nathan laughed and she suspected he was right. Maybe it was wrong to use that to her advantage, but if it meant saving Nathan from the pain of the truth, she could justify it to herself.
‘Theo might be the same and it probably won’t just be the kids who get ideas into their heads, especially when it comes to our mums. So if we are going to go out without the children, to see if this was just one kiss or whether it might be something more, maybe we should keep it to ourselves for now. At least until we know if there’s anything to tell anyone else.’
‘You want to meet in secret? For the kids’ sake?’ His eyes were locked on hers and she was certain he could tell she was lying, and that the reason she wanted to keep this a secret wasn’t just for the children, but because of the way people would talk if they knew something was going on between Rowan and Nathan. She forced herself to hold his gaze, nodding slowly, and then he shrugged. ‘It’s a good idea, like you say, at least until we know if there’s anything to tell.’
He leant forward and brushed his lips against hers this time, a moment that was over almost before it had begun, in keeping with the spirit of the agreement they’d just reached, and it left her wanting more. She didn’t want to think about whether keeping this secret would doom the chances of it working out before it even began. She was just going to do her best to enjoy it for what it was and for once in her life not worry about what the consequences might be.
13
When Rowan came back into the school offices after the Harvest Festival service, she shivered. It was like a refrigerator and every window in the outer office was open. The previous Saturday had turned out to be the last warm day. There was a definite autumnal chill in the air now and she couldn’t think of any reason why Bex would have thrown all the windows open.
‘Has there been a fire while I was out?’ Rowan had only intended it to be a joke, but Bex sniffed the air, as if she was expecting to smell smoke.
‘No, why?’
‘I just wondered why you had all the windows open, when it’s so cold in here.’
‘Oh God, sorry.’ She moved to the first window and pulled it shut. ‘It’s just that I had another very early start with Tom and I could barely keep my eyes open because it was so warm and cosy in here.’
‘Did he have a bad night?’ Rowan could still remember the torture of broken nights, even though her two had been pretty good sleepers. Bex’s youngest son, Tom, was eight, but he still had lots of nights when he didn’t sleep all the way through.
‘Not so much a bad night as a very early morning.’ Bex tried to suppress a yawn, but didn’t quite manage it. ‘He came into our room at 3a.m. and said he couldn’t sleep, so I ran through all the usual things with him… you know, is there anything you’re worried about, do you feel sick, are you thirsty, blah, blah, blah.’
Bex looked exhausted just describing it, and Rowan gave her friend a sympathetic nod as she continued. ‘Of course Tom says no to all of that, but I get him settled back into his own room, lie down, shut my eyes and start to have a very nice dream about Tom Hardy taking me horse riding.’
‘You dreamt about Tom Hardy taking you horse riding?’ Rowan raised her eyebrow and smiled.
‘Yes, but that’s not the point of this story.’ Bex hesitated for a moment. ‘Well, I suppose it is in a way, because there I was, in the land of make believe, having a very nice time riding along a sandy beach, when suddenly one of my eyelids was literally prised open and my Tom is staring at me, eyeball to eyeball, telling me I need to wake up because he’s awake. It was 4.30a.m. and by the time I’d played another round of why-can’t-you-for-the-love-of-God-just-sleep, it was quarter past five and not worth me even trying to get back to dreamland, find that beach again, and see whether Tom Hardy was still waiting for me. Especially as Matt was already up to start work on the farm, so I couldn’t even cuddle up to him as a consolation.’
‘Sounds awful and I really wish I could send you home early, but with the meeting after school…’ Rowan pulled a face. Given the choice she’d have sent herself home early too, but there was a meeting between the PTA and some of the governors, who were coming to outline a strategic plan to improve the school and how the PTA’s fundraising efforts might support that. Rowan had already attended the governors’ meeting earlier in the week and the hot topic was that the school was due for an Ofsted inspection by the end of the academic year. The chair of governors, a belligerent ex-detective chief inspector, who’d been part of the panel when Rowan was appointed, had told her that ‘with your reputation and past experience we expect nothing less than an outstanding grade; it’s why we employed you.’
