Page 21 of Letting Go of Yesterday
‘I can’t wait.’ The grin on Theo’s face was the sort she hadn’t seen in months and she could have kissed Nathan for being the one to bring it back. Even as the thought entered her head, she pushed it down again, but she wanted him to know how grateful she was.
‘Me neither.’ Turning towards Nathan, her fingers itched to touch his arm, but she forced herself to resist. ‘Thanks so much for inviting us.’
‘It’ll be fun, see you tomorrow.’ The expression she hadn’t been able to read was back and she hated the thought that she might have somehow upset him, when he’d been nothing but kind since her return. All she could do was try to prove that she wasn’t judging him for what had happened in the past, even if her job meant she had to keep a firm boundary between them. Everyone should have the chance to leave their past behind if they wanted to, and she was determined to move on from hers.
11
Rowan was doing her best not to overthink things, but nervousness had been washing over her in waves ever since she’d agreed to spend the day on Nathan’s boat. She’d tried to tell herself that it was apprehension about taking two young boys out on the water. Since having Bella and Theo and realising she was responsible for keeping them safe, she’d become far more risk averse than she had been when she only had herself to look out for. Although the truth was, even back then, she hadn’t been a huge risk taker. If she was completely honest with herself, it explained why she’d ended up marrying James. He’d become her safe space after leaving Port Agnes. He was her first friend when she’d moved to London and, looking back, she suspected it should probably have stayed that way, but they’d become boyfriend and girlfriend instead; at least, that was the title they’d given themselves. There’d never been any grand passion, not even in the early days. She had nothing to compare it to, but she was pretty certain that a couple of nineteen-year-olds in a relationship, away from home together at university, should be having to fight pretty hard for that not to become sexual.
James had always cited his religious beliefs for wanting to wait until they were married and she’d respected that, but he’d never seemed to find the waiting a challenge. Maybe it hadn’t seemed as odd because neither had Rowan, not really. They’d kissed, but it hadn’t been anything like what was described in the books or the movies, or anything like it had been when she’d kissed Nathan. She hadn’t wanted to rip James’s clothes off. She didn’t think about what it felt like to kiss him even when he wasn’t around, or replay the moment in her mind for months – years – afterwards, the way she had with Nathan. It had felt nice and safe and comforting in a world where that was all she’d craved since the breakdown of her parents’ marriage, and she’d decided she was more than happy to settle for that. Her parents’ own grand passions with their new partners were what had killed their marriage as far as she was concerned, and that kind of thing looked dangerous to Rowan. She wanted any children she might have to grow up in a calm and steady household, and it had felt as though James was the perfect person to provide that.
After they got married, sex was suddenly on the table. They hadn’t consummated the marriage on the night of their wedding, agreeing that they were too tired and that they wanted their first time to be special. They’d been three days into the honeymoon, and half a bottle of Tequila down, before it had finally happened. Rowan wasn’t completely naïve; she’d had enough conversations with friends over the years to know that first times tended to be pretty rubbish, especially for women, and even more so if you were both virgins. She hadn’t expected fireworks and it had been okay. The trouble was it had never got beyond okay and there hadneverbeen any fireworks. They’d quickly moved into a routine of having sex on a Saturday evening, almost as though it needed to be diarised for it to happen. The only time they’d really increased the regularity had been when they were trying for Bella and Theo.
After conceiving the children, sex had slipped down the priority list and moved to one Saturday a month, before tailing off altogether. Rowan hadn’t missed it, because there really hadn’t been much to miss, but it had bothered her that there was no intimacy between them and James didn’t seem to find her attractive. Sex itself was overrated in her opinion and she’d stopped feeling butterflies at the thought of kissing someone, and the prospect of taking that further, when she’d finally stopped thinking about that kiss with Nathan. Except now he was back in her life and she could lie to herself as much as she wanted to about the reason for the nerves bubbling up inside her, but she knew it wasn’t all about keeping the boys safe on the boat. Nathan Lark made her feel things she’d only ever felt with him and even the idea of giving into a grand passion of her own terrified her. That was a road to trouble she didn’t want to travel down, but when he was standing in front of her, as he was now, and it was just the two of them on their own, it was almost impossible not to think about it.
‘Irene’s still in the bakery with the boys. I think she’s buying enough food for us in case we get shipwrecked.’ Rowan smiled, feeling guilty now for the way her heart had sunk at the sight of Nathan’s mother when she and Theo had arrived outside Mehenick’s Bakery. Irene had quickly explained that she was only there to drop Leo off, as Nathan had gone down early to do some preparations on the boat.
‘That’s Mum for you. I think she feels guilty because she’s off out for a day with her friends to the Japanese gardens in St Mawgan and then for dinner.’ Nathan straightened up as he spoke. He was already onboard, but she was still standing on the concrete slope that led down from the harbourside, which made it possible to access the smaller boats, uncertain whether or not she should join him. ‘I think Mum feels guilty that I’ve got Leo for the whole weekend, but she should know better than that. I can’t think of any other way I’d rather spend it.’
‘I’m the same. I used to dread weekends a bit before I had the kids. I don’t know, maybe it’s just because I’ve always loved my job, but the days felt weirdly empty without work. James and I couldn’t seem to get into any kind of a rhythm with filling our time in a way that we both enjoyed.’ She caught Nathan’s eye then and heat rose up her neck as he raised his eyebrows.
‘I don’t know your ex but he’s clearly a man with very little imagination and no concept of how lucky he was.’ Nathan was looking at her so intently that she wanted to drop her gaze, but somehow she couldn’t. She had a feeling he was flirting with her, except it felt far deeper than that. Although it had been so long since anyone had flirted with her that she couldn’t be entirely sure. Either way the navy blue of his T-shirt almost exactly matched the colour of his eyes, which were still holding her gaze. If she’d thought he’d done it on purpose, it would have been enough to put her off, but she would have bet her car that he hadn’t. The fact that he didn’t seem to have any idea how good looking he was just made him all the more attractive; he’d always been that way, even when they were back in school. Nowadays his physique was broader and she found herself wondering what it would be like to be held by him again. The way he was looking at her meant the butterflies were threatening to get completely out of control and travel to places they had no right to visit. Places that would only lead to trouble.
‘Right, we’ve got enough food to feed an army!’ Irene’s voice broke the spell and all the tension Rowan hadn’t even realised she’d been holding in her body seemed to relax. Being on her own with Nathan was something she needed to avoid, she knew that now. Not because she didn’t trust him, but because he still had the same effect on her after all these years. It was a feeling she’d begun to think she’d imagined, something that had played into a fantasy of what chemistry between two people should feel like. Except it felt alarmingly real when they were alone together. Now, with the boys excitedly chattering about the day ahead, and Irene listing all the things she’d bought for the picnic, Rowan could finally think straight and put her feelings back into the box labelled ‘the past’ and get on with life as a single mother of two.
‘Come on, Mum!’ Theo called out to her as he followed his friend down the wide metal gang plank that led from the concrete slope to the boat, enabling Leo to access it in his wheelchair. ‘You’re going to get left behind and miss all the fun otherwise.’
‘Yes, go on, don’t risk missing the fun.’ Suddenly Irene was handing her the bag with the picnic inside and pushing Rowan gently in the small of her back. ‘You really deserve some fun and so does Nathan, so it would be a crying shame if either of you missed out on the chance of it.’
Before Rowan could even answer, Irene had turned and walked back up the slope, and all she could do was follow her son’s urging to hurry up and join the others. She and Nathan were only spending time together to give the boys a lovely day out, that was all. There was no need for her to over-analyse how she felt towards him. He was just the uncle of her son’s new best friend. That was where her relationship with Nathan Lark begun and ended.
* * *
If Irene’s wish had been for them to have fun, then it had certainly been granted. Leo and Theo had been having the best time, and Rowan and Nathan had reminisced about the old days at school. She wasn’t sure whether it had been an attempt on his part to avoid talking about their more recent histories, neither of which had been the stuff of dreams, but it had been so much fun to share memories with someone who remembered all the same people she did, including a biology teacher called Mr Dandridge, who’d had about six strands of hair that he’d somehow knitted into what looked like a shredded wheat perched on top of his head. He’d also seemed comically adept at putting a condom on a banana, when he’d doubled up as the sex education teacher in Rowan’s GCSE year, even though at that age not a single one of his pupils could imagine anyone on the planet wanting to have sex with Mr Dandridge. Rowan couldn’t remember laughing as much as she had when they were reminiscing for years, but they’d both been thrilled when Nathan had googled Mr Dandridge and discovered he was not only a well-respected author of textbooks about genetic engineering, but had also shaven off his shredded wheat hair and swapped it for a bald but very distinguished look. Best of all he’d recently got married to a very attractive middle-aged American woman called Marcy. Mr Dandridge had found a happy ever after and somehow that had made the day even better.
All Rowan’s worries about safety on board the boat had been assuaged too. Nathan had made adaptations in order to ensure the boat was fully wheelchair accessible. The old cabin had been replaced so that it was a canopy with an open front and back, and Nathan had supervised both boys to have a turn at ‘driving’ the boat. It also meant that Leo was able to move his wheelchair through to the bow, which had high rails all the way around to ensure neither he nor Theo were in any danger of going overboard. They were still up at the front and, right now, the two of them were doing what looked remarkably like a recreation of the scene fromTitanic, but with far more giggling.
‘Are they doing what I think they’re doing?’ Rowan turned towards Nathan with a smile on her face, which he quickly mirrored. The two of them were standing close to one another, as he guided the boat back towards Port Agnes.
‘Yes, they are. Leo knew from an early age that Heather had named him after her favourite actor and he always wants to watch Leonardo DiCaprio films when he gets the chance. We just have to fast forward certain bits.’
‘Like the “paint me like one of your French girls”scene?’ Rowan widened her eyes as Nathan nodded. She’d been just eleven when she and her friends had secretly watchedTitanicfor the first time and they’d all fallen a little bit in love with the leading man. Leonardo DiCaprio had been her crush, until Nathan had edged him out, because not even a Hollywood actor could hold a candle to him. Although she’d rather have flung herself into the sea than admit that.
‘That’s definitely one of the scenes he’s not allowed to watch, but Leo loves the one where Jack and Rose are at the bow of the boat. Whenever we go out on the water, he can’t resist putting his arms out like they do in the film, because he says it makes him feel like he’s flying too, even though he can’t walk.’
‘Oh, Nathan.’ Rowan couldn’t stop herself from putting a hand over her heart. She’d sworn she wouldn’t show how sad she felt for Leo or his family, because it was patronising and the little boy was an incredible force of nature who refused to let muscular dystrophy define him. But her heart was breaking at Nathan’s words and she couldn’t stop her eyes from filling with tears, despite how much she wanted to blame the sea breeze that was whipping around them.
‘I know. Most of the time I manage to put the fact that we’re eventually going to lose him out of my mind, but then he goes and says something like that and it hits you.’ Nathan closed his eyes for just a moment, before turning to look at her. ‘The only way to get through it is to think about what he said. Really think about it. He’s finding a way to grab the joy in life and fly even when he can’t walk. So I can’t allow myself to wallow in self-pity and think about what his condition means for me. I have to follow Leo’s lead and be the uncle he needs me to be. He’s never going to be more well, or more physically able than he is right now, so we have to get the most out of every stage before life moves on. That’s why days like this mean so much to me.’
‘From what I’ve seen you’re a fantastic uncle and Leo’s an incredible child.’ It was on the tip of her tongue to ask him whether he wanted to have children of his own one day, but she didn’t want to make it sound like she was diminishing his bond with his nephew in any way. It was obvious he couldn’t have loved Leo any more than he did, even if he had been Nathan’s child. ‘I take it the boat’s name is in his honour?’
‘It is, but Leo’s just Leo. Will didn’t want him to be Leonardo. I renamed the boat after his diagnosis and it has the long version of his name because it means courage of a lion and that’s something Leo has definitely shown he’s got.’
‘He has and I think we could all do with being a bit more like Leo.’ Rowan let go of a long breath and stared out at the sea for a moment. When she looked back at Nathan, he was still watching her. ‘Don’t look at me like that. I know my hair probably looks like Medusa was dragged through a hedge backwards.’
‘I was looking at you because I’ve just realised you have no idea how incredible you are or how brave you’ve had to be. Okay, so you might not have had to face what Leo does, but you came back to Port Agnes to give your children the best possible life, even though I know it’s hard for you to be here. You’re like a breath of fresh air at the school and Leo absolutely adores you, he said all the kids do. And I’m sure they’re not the only ones.’ Nathan was doing that thing again – looking at her in a way that made it feel as if she was the only person in the world he wanted to look at. He’d always had that knack, even as a teenager. ‘It’s obvious you’ve had to get yourself and the kids out of a really tough situation. Like I said before, I don’t need to know the details of what happened with their dad, but you just have to look at how well they’re doing to know you’ve made all the right decisions for them. The fact that they’re thriving is all down to you.’
‘Thank you, but I don’t think I’ve been brave at all, sometimes we just have to do what’s necessary to survive, don’t we?’ She watched his face and there was an almost imperceptible nod; he understood exactly what she meant. Prison must have been incredibly tough on Nathan and it was still almost impossible to believe he’d done something to deserve a sentence. Either way, he’d got through it and it hadn’t changed who he was, at least not in any negative way. He was still the same Nathan she’d been drawn to all those years ago, but there was a new strength within him too and she knew he was someone his friends and family could rely on. After all, she’d witnessed it with her own eyes. Whatever he’d done in the past, she wouldn’t have hesitated to trust him. No one was a good enough actor to pretend to be the kind of person Nathan had shown himself to be with his nephew, and she wasn’t going to hold his past against him. A big part of her wanted to ask him about his time in prison, but if that was something he wanted to share with her, it needed to come from him.
