Page 13 of Letting Go of Yesterday
‘You’d be the most popular man there.’ Katrina laughed. ‘Although you’d also be the only man there.’
‘Oh God, is that really the time?’ Rowan said suddenly, double checking her watch as if she was finding it impossible to believe. ‘James is FaceTiming the kids in half an hour, so we’d better get back. It was good to see you again, Nathan, and Theo and Leo seem to be getting on like a house on fire.’
‘Their names rhyme, so maybe it was meant to be.’ Nathan found himself silently praying that it was. Leo had friends, but he’d never found a best friend. Nathan had always had a built-in best friend, because of the closeness of his relationship with Will, but it would make his year if his nephew could find one too.
‘I think it might well be and maybe we could arrange another get-together? Theo will kill me if I call it a play date, but maybe we could meet up for a bit longer next time, before they start back at school?’
‘Leo would love that. I’d give you a card with my number but…’ He grinned, pretending to reach into an imaginary pocket, suddenly aware that he’d been standing chatting to her this whole time wearing only his swimming trunks.
‘I’ll get it off Dad; he said you’ve been working together.’ Her tone was level, not giving away how she felt about the situation.
‘Sounds like a plan.’ He watched as she spoke to the children, telling them that their father would be calling soon and that they’d make arrangements to come back to the beach with Leo and Nathan again soon. He was glad she’d confirmed it in front of them, because he knew that meant she’d definitely call him. He just couldn’t be certain whether it would be him or Leo who would look forward to it more.
* * *
Rowan had worried about how the children might react to seeing their father on FaceTime and whether they’d get upset, especially after he’d pulled out of the plan to hire a van to drop the rest of their things off and spend time with Bella and Theo. Apparently there was ‘too much going on’ at Membory Grange, something she very much doubted given that it was still the school holidays. Nonetheless, James had somehow persuaded Pippa and Daniel to drive up with the stuff instead. It had been great to see them, but Rowan had been left to mop up the children’s disappointment at not seeing their father and it was why she was worried about how they might react to the video call. She needn’t have been concerned, they’d both chatted away happily about life in Port Agnes, which was already feeling far more settled than Rowan had dreamt possible. She was under no illusion that there wouldn’t be some ups and downs ahead, but for now everyone seemed so much happier than they had even a week ago.
Bella had got to know the twins next door, Kit and Merryn, who were due to start in Reception, but she seemed to enjoy mothering them. She’d told Rowan that Merryn was a bit nervous about going to ‘big’ school, and Bella had reassured the little girl that she’d be there to talk to at break times. The idea of looking out for Merryn seemed to have alleviated all of Bella’s own nerves and her resistance to starting at Port Agnes Primary. Bella had also got chatting to a girl called Tiffany who lived three doors down from Rowan’s mother, and who was in her class. They’d arranged to meet up in the last week of the school holidays when Tiffany got back from visiting family in Ireland. Now that Theo had been introduced to Leo, it felt as if he had a ready-made friend to start school with too, and it gladdened Rowan’s heart to see her children looking so much happier.
Both of them had always loved the beach and seemed to be relishing having it on their doorstep, as well as being able to spend time with both sets of their Cornish grandparents. And there was no doubt about it: all four grandparents were clearly thrilled to have the kids so close to home. James’s parents had never been warm and, since his mother’s death five years earlier, Rowan could probably count on the fingers of one hand how often Michael had asked if he could see the children. They never asked about him either, but as the former bishop should know, the quote about reaping what you sow was so often spot on.
‘Daddy wants to talk to you now.’ Theo thrust Rowan’s iPhone back into her hand, barely pausing as he ran past her. ‘I’m going to sort out my Lego. Leo said he’d do some with me next time we see him.’
Bella had already gone too, no doubt out to the back garden to hang over the fence so she could talk to the twins.
‘Theo said you needed to talk to me.’ Rowan’s tone was tight. She had no idea what James wanted, but it was far too soon to feel ready to talk about anything that wasn’t to do with the children. The house they’d bought together in Exeter to ensure they kept a foot on the property ladder while they were living in housing provided by the school was already on the market, and they’d agreed a simple fifty-fifty split in equity and their joint savings. Other than that, they’d both be retaining any individual savings and their pensions. While the children were living with her full time, James would be sending 300 pounds a month in maintenance, which would be reviewed if and when he was in a position to have them spend nights with him. But he’d already said he wasn’t ready to do that at Membory Grange, and that he was worried it might be disruptive for the children and delay them settling in to Port Agnes. Secretly she’d been glad, but now she was bracing herself for James to announce that he’d suddenly had a change of heart, having seen the children’s faces and realised that he couldn’t bear not to spend time with them.
‘I miss you so much, all three of you.’ James started to cry before the words were even out of his mouth and she stared at him for a moment, trying to work out how she felt about the man she’d spent over two decades loving, but hadn’t really known at all. He looked thin and exhausted and there was a part of her that hurt for him, but a much bigger part that was still incredibly angry for what he’d put her and the children through.
‘It’s been a big change for us all and I know the kids miss you too.’ Rowan wasn’t going to say she missed him, not even in an attempt to make him feel better. Of course she did, you couldn’t share your life with someone for more than twenty years and not miss them when they suddenly disappeared out of it, almost overnight. But she’d grieved painfully during the months when she’d still lived at Membory Grange, and she’d had to harden her heart to him in order to survive, telling herself that the James she missed had never really existed. She had to get to know this new version of him as her children’s father. But the new James would never be her husband. The most she could hope for was that they would one day be friends, for the children’s sake if nothing else. She’d seen for herself the difference it made when parents were able to get along, and she wanted them to, Euan included, if he stayed on the scene. It just felt far too early to think of James as any kind of friend yet.
‘I need to see you all, face to face; not being able to hug any of you is like a physical pain.’ There were still tears running down James’s face. ‘Can I come and stay with you?’
Rowan couldn’t help wondering why he was suddenly so desperate to spend time with the children, when he’d ended up cancelling his last visit. But she knew that being separated from them would have felt like physical pain to her too, and she wasn’t going to give him the third degree about his change of heart. All that really mattered was that the children were happy.
‘I want you to see Theo and Bella whenever you like.’ It was the one thing she’d vowed she’d never stand in the way of, and that she’d never badmouth James in front of the children. In all the late-night drinking sessions with Pippa and Odette, after discovering James’s secret, when the three of them had called him every name under the sun, it had been the vow she’d repeated. No matter how she felt about James or what he’d done, she’d never say a bad word about him in front Theo and Bella, and she’d never stop him from seeing them. But he couldn’t have it all his own way. ‘They’ll be really happy to see you, but you can’t stay here, I don’t think it would be good for any of us. You’ll have to rent an Airbnb or stay in a hotel.’
‘I understand.’ James bit his lip, but it did nothing to stem his tears. ‘I’m so sorry, Row, if I could undo everything I’ve done I would. I wish to God it hadn’t happened.’
She scanned around her and lowered her voice to make sure there was no chance of the children overhearing. ‘The affair or the part where you got caught?’
‘Row, please, I feel terrible enough as it is.’
‘That makes two of us then.’ A frisson of guilt knotted in her stomach, because she didn’t feel as awful as she’d expected to this soon after moving back to Port Agnes. Now that she’d been to the school and reconnected with Bex she was genuinely looking forward to starting her new job; things between her parents were better than they’d ever been and then there was Nathan. She tried to push the thought of him out of her head; he shouldn’t even feature in the equation of all the things she felt she had to look forward to as she built a new life for herself and the children. That new life could never include Nathan Lark, they were just too… different.
‘I’m sorry, I really am.’ James was repeating himself now and it wouldn’t change anything, no matter how many times he said it. Maybe one day she’d be ready to accept his apology, but today wasn’t that day.
‘Just let me know when you’ve sorted out a weekend to come. It might be a good idea to give us at least a week’s notice. They’re both starting to make friends and I don’t want them to have to cancel any plans because you’ve left telling us to the last minute.’
‘It sounds like everyone is moving on, except me.’ James sounded so sorry for himself and something inside Rowan snapped. She might be doing okay now and the children were starting to settle, but she’d gone through months of barely being able to sleep, worrying about the future, and trying to comfort her children when they begged to stay at Membory Grange, without being able to tell them why that was impossible.
‘Funny how it works out when you gave yourself such a head start on the moving on front. Just text me when you’ve decided about a visit.’ Ending the call before he could say anything else, Rowan let go of a long breath. They were all moving on, bit by bit, and she was incredibly proud of the children for the way they had turned things around in such a short time and for embracing their fresh start. The road ahead didn’t seem anywhere near as bleak any more, but no matter what the future held she knew they’d make it through, because they had each other and that was all Rowan really needed.
8
The beautiful weather that had blessed Port Agnes for most of the summer seemed determined to hang around until the start of term, and the temperatures showed no signs of falling as August drifted into September.
It meant they had the perfect day for the boat trip that Rowan had arranged with Bex and her three sons. They’d been accompanied by Rowan’s neighbour Anna and the twins, and another old friend Toni, with her two children. It had been even more fun than she’d hoped, when it turned out that Toni and Anna were also good friends, who worked together at the Port Agnes midwifery unit. Bella’s new friend, Tiffany, was back from her holiday, so they’d arranged to take her on the trip too.
