Page 44 of Letting Go of Yesterday
‘Is it time to go?’ Bella came into the room wearing her new pink dress and a headband made from a ring of pink silk roses.
‘In about five minutes, sweetheart, you look beautiful by the way.’
‘Thanks.’ Bella narrowed her eyes. ‘You look sad. Is it because of what happened with Dad?’
‘Oh no, darling.’ She shook her head, looking at her daughter. Bella might seem far older than her years, but she didn’t want her little girl growing up too soon, or worrying about Rowan, even for a moment. ‘I promise I’m not unhappy, I was just thinking.’
‘What about?’
‘Nothing in particular.’ She smiled, but Bella narrowed her eyes.
‘I’m sure you could find a boyfriend too if you wanted one. You’re much prettier than all of my friends’ mums, even though you are quite old.’ Bella shrugged and Rowan couldn’t help laughing.
‘Well thank you, I think. But I’m not in the market for a boyfriend right now. I’ve got everything I need with you and Theo.’
‘I’m just saying, that’s all.’ Bella’s tone was the epitome of casual. ‘And me and Theo wouldn’t mind, as long as he’s nice. Like Nathan.’
Rowan tried to keep her face neutral but inside she was screaming. She knew as well as her children did how wonderful Nathan was, and that there was no one ‘like Nathan’ because he was a one-off. Hearing how much Bella and Theo loved him was a kick in the teeth, because she wasn’t the only one missing out as a result of the decisions she’d made. Somehow, she managed to keep her tone light when she answered her daughter. ‘Good to know. Can you tell Theo it’s time to go now please? We’re meeting Bex and the boys on the way up to Leo’s house and I don’t want to keep them waiting.’
‘Okay.’ Bella walked back through the kitchen door and hollered her brother’s name. Both of her children had used Nathan as a benchmark to measure anyone new against, but she had a feeling he’d be impossible to live up to and she had no intention of even trying to find someone who could.
* * *
‘So, look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you all of this before, when I first came home and we reconnected, but I don’t think I’d even fully processed how I felt about it all at that stage.’ Rowan was walking in step with Bex, along the lane that led to where Leo and his family lived. The children were running on ahead of them and she’d used the opportunity to fill Bex in on everything that had happened since James had arrived in Port Agnes. The only part she’d left out was how spectacularly she’d messed things up with Nathan.
‘You don’t have to tell me or anyone else anything you don’t feel comfortable sharing, and I get why you wanted to keep your private life to yourself. We both know what this village can be like only too well.’
‘We do.’ Rowan shot her a conspiratorial look. ‘God, do you remember what it was like when Mum and Dad split up, and some people seemed determined to believe that it was a wife-swapping ring gone wrong? I just didn’t want Theo and Bella to have to overhear gossip about me and their father, but getting it out in the open means everyone knows the truth and that makes the gossips far easier to ignore. I should probably have done it from the start, but I didn’t want to be the main topic of conversation again. And I suppose if I’m completely honest, part of me was embarrassed about what people might think of my husband leaving me for another man.’
‘What they think says far more about them than it does about you, and it will be old news as soon as the next bit of village gossip comes along anyway.’ Bex rolled her eyes. ‘But I know it doesn’t feel like that when you’re the one everyone is talking about. I thought there’d never be a time when I wasn’t remembered as the woman whose fiancé dumped her because he was in love with her sister.’
‘What?’ Rowan stopped in her tracks. ‘That really happened? I can’t believe I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.’
‘I’m not, not any more. I was young and stupid and thank God I wasn’t the sort to plaster everything over social media back then. He did me the biggest favour ever by showing me who he was before I married him and as for my sister…’ She trailed off for a moment, then seemed to shake herself back to the present. ‘Regardless of what they did, it proves my point perfectly. All of that happened more than fifteen years ago, although you’d think in a small place like this it might have lived on in the memory, but it hasn’t, not really. I’m not poor little Bex any more, the girl who’d saved for two years straight for a big white wedding and had nothing to show for it. Now I’m Bex, the best school secretary in Cornwall, the wife of an overworked farmer, and a harassed and worn-out mother of three.’
‘You’re definitely the best school secretary in Cornwall or anywhere else for that matter.’ Rowan squeezed her waist for a moment, before letting her go again. ‘And I’m glad I’ll eventually be able to look forward to the gossip dying down. How long did it take for you to stop being the centre of attention?’
‘Did you ever hear about it, on any of your visits back here to see your dad and Marion?’
‘No, never.’
‘Exactly. Three weeks after it happened the man who was the verger at St Jude’s at the time was caught trying to feed rat poison to his next-door neighbour’s cat, because it kept pooing in his garden, and me being jilted became ancient history overnight. No one even batted an eyelid when I met Matt within three months of when I should have been getting married. Or when just six months later we flew out to Las Vegas and got married. After more than thirteen years together and three boys, I can barely remember my ex-fiancé’s name. None of it matters any more, not even to the most vicious of gossips, because I really don’t care. As soon as you truly don’t care, nothing anyone else says can touch you.’
‘I think I’m nearly there, already.’ Rowan smiled and Bex mirrored her expression.
‘Good, because the men who didn’t appreciate how lucky they were to have us, don’t deserve to have us waste a single second of our time on them. So if you end up jetting off to Vegas in three months’ time, I promise I won’t judge and I’ll even give you the name of a very good Elvis impersonator who can officiate at the ceremony!’
‘I’ll bear that in mind.’ Rowan laughed. ‘But for now I’m happy as I am, I promise you. I feel so much better for having everything out in the open and the last thing on my mind is trying to find someone else.’
Almost unconsciously, Rowan crossed two of the fingers on her right hand over each other, despite the fact that it wasn’t a lie. She didn’t want to find anyone else, but it wasn’t because she’d written off the possibility of finding someone she liked enough to take a risk on. It was because she’d already found him. That was one secret she couldn’t share, even with Bex. If she did, she’d have to admit how badly she’d messed up and just how shallow she’d been, and she still hadn’t fully come to terms with that herself.
* * *
As Rowan walked inside the beautiful Georgian house that Leo and his family shared with Nathan’s mother, she tried not to think about the last time she’d been there. Thankfully there was no mistaking that this time she was there for a birthday party. There were banners, bunting and balloons, including a huge silver one in the shape of an eight, so that no one could forget the birthday boy’s age. A veritable banquet had been laid out on the table and the party games were ready to get underway. The only things that seemed to be missing were the birthday cake and Leo’s uncle.
‘Have you seen Nathan?’ Rowan turned to her father, as they stood on the far side of the room, watching the children’s entertainer make a sculpture out of giant bubbles. Both her parents and stepparents had been invited to the party and there were probably more adults than children there. Half the village seemed to be in attendance, and she completely understood why every birthday Leo had would feel like a landmark one that deserved to be celebrated. He was such a great kid, who’d brought more joy into Theo’s life than any other friendship he’d ever had. It seemed as if that feeling was mutual, because Leo appeared completely unaware of the fact that quite a lot of the other children had gone outside to play hide-and-seek in the back garden, despite the crisp mid-November weather. It clearly didn’t matter to him where the others were, as long as he had Theo by his side. The two of them were giggling with one another as the entertainer invited them to try and pop the bubbles, using a remote-control device that made a sound like a whoopee cushion every time they managed to pop one. It was the perfect entertainment for boys their age.
‘Apparently there was a mix up with the cake delivery. When Irene opened the box, the piping said “Happy 40th Anniversary Bill and Diane”, so Nathan went off to sort it out.’ Rowan’s dad put his arm around her shoulder and gave her a squeeze. ‘Heather and Irene were just going to scrape the piping off, and stick some of Leo’s Lego figures on top, but you know what Nathan is like when it comes to that boy. Nothing is too much trouble. Truth be told, it’s what Nathan’s like when it comes to helping anyone out really. I could probably tell you a hundred stories about that lad stepping in to help someone. He had a client whose husband died just after he’d finished their extension and the last part of the bill was still outstanding. She was beside herself because paying the bill would have meant she wouldn’t have had enough money left for the funeral, so he told her there’d been a mistake in the paperwork and that she’d already paid everything that was owed. He’s one of the good guys, maybe even the best.’
