Page 43 of Letting Go of Yesterday
‘A bit, but Stephen has made a big decision that he thinks will be the only way Dad will finally face up to what happened and accept that it was abuse and nothing to do with what happens between consenting adults.’ James let out a long breath. ‘Stephen’s going to tell the police. The housemaster is still alive, but he’s in his eighties and he might die before it ever comes to court, even if the police think there’s enough evidence. Stephen said it doesn’t matter, and that he and Dad need to let go of the secret to stop it having any more power over them. I told him it’s like what you said to me, about keeping my sexuality hidden. Secrets just make everything toxic. Stephen said a counsellor told him that a long time ago, which was why he sat Auntie Jane down and told her everything that had happened. He’s almost certain that Dad has never told anyone, though, and that it’s eaten away at him as a result. He’s never been able to make the housemaster accountable for what he did, so he directed all his hatred to the wrong place instead.’
‘That’s…’ Rowan could hardly catch her breath. ‘Your poor dad has been through hell, and Stephen too. I can’t bear to think about it, but it’s true, secrets can be toxic.’
‘I think we know that better than anyone.’ James got to his feet and took her hand. ‘I’m so sorry, Row, I wish I’d known how to be honest with you sooner and never put you through a marriage my heart wasn’t in.’
‘I don’t, because it gave me Bella and Theo, and for a long time it gave me my best friend. Who knows, maybe one day we can go back to that, especially now that you’re no longer having to keep things hidden that stopped you from really being there.’
‘I hope so and I know I need to start by being honest with the children.’
‘Right now?’
‘Yes, right now. I’ve put it off for far too long and if Stephen can face going to the police, talking to our wonderful kids, who we both know probably won’t even be fazed, is nothing in comparison.’
‘They won’t, because they’re brilliant and they love you, and all they’ll care about is that you’re happy.’
‘They want you to be happy too and so do I, more than anything. It’s the only way I’ll ever have a chance of forgiving myself.’ James squeezed her hand again.
‘You telling the kids will be a good start to that. Do you want me to be there with you?’
‘No, it’s okay, I want them to be able to come to you and ask any questions without feeling like they need to protect my feelings.’ James smiled. ‘What is it they say? Teamwork makes the dream work, and we can still be a team, can’t we? When it comes to the kids?’
‘I’d really like that.’ She leant forward and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Whatever happened with Michael, and even with Nathan, she was glad that she and James had reached this point in their relationship as quickly as they had. As long as the kids were okay, that was all that mattered and she could find a way to be happy too, she was almost sure of it.
23
Just as Rowan had expected, the children took the revelation that their father was gay really well.
‘I actually think it’s quite cool.’ Bella had shrugged when Rowan had asked her if she was okay. ‘I think I’d rather have a stepdad than a stepmum, anyway. None of the stories about stepmothers are good.’
Rowan had laughed. ‘Maybe not, but Marion is lovely and she’s my stepmum.’
‘I forget about that sometimes.’ Bella had wrinkled her nose. ‘I can’t imagine Nanny Kat being married to Grandad Tony. It seems like it should always have been the way it is now.’
‘I think it probably should have, and sometimes people are much happier after a divorce than they were before. But just because they aren’t married, it doesn’t mean they can’t be friends, and me and Dad intend to keep being very good friends.’
‘Okay, great.’ Bella had shrugged again. ‘Can I open the chocolate biscuits please?’
That had been the end of the conversation as far as her daughter was concerned, but Theo had always been the more thoughtful and reflective of the two, and Rowan had waited until they were alone together to speak to him about everything.
‘Is there anything you’re worried about, you know about what Dad told you? Or anything you want to ask?’ They’d been walking her mother’s dog on the beach when she asked him the question, and Theo had looked thoughtful for a moment.
‘You know Dad has a boyfriend?’ Theo screwed up his face as she nodded and she’d braced herself for what he might be about to ask, hoping that her little boy’s innocence hadn’t been corrupted by conversations in the playground far sooner than it should have been. ‘Do you think he’s going to be nice?’
‘I’m sure he is and I know he works for a charity, helping get food to people who don’t have enough to eat. That sounds like something only a really nice person would do, doesn’t it?’
‘Uh huh.’ Theo had looked thoughtful again. ‘Do you know who else is really nice?’
‘Who?’
‘Nathan.’ He turned to look at his mother. ‘I hope Dad’s boyfriend is as nice as Nathan, then I’ll definitely like him.’
Rowan had caught her breath, Theo’s words taking her by surprise. She’d known how much he liked Nathan, but suddenly he’d become the benchmark by which all other men were judged. It was a legacy she’d been aware she’d have to carry into the future, but she hadn’t realised just how big an impact Nathan had had on her son. ‘I’m sure he will be, but if you’ve got any worries at any point, you can always talk to me. You know that, don’t you?’ Theo had nodded then and gone off in hot pursuit of Bluey, sending a spray of sand shooting up into the air in his wake and she suddenly felt a bit worried for Euan. Having to live up to being as nice as Nathan, in Theo’s eyes, was going to be a very tough call.
However nice Nathan was, Rowan knew for certain now that her chance with him had passed. He responded to her messages when she texted him, but the replies were guarded, and they were no longer signed off with two kisses. Even when James had headed back to Membory Grange, to try and patch things up with Euan, and she’d texted Nathan to let him know he’d gone, asking if he was free to meet up, his response had been non-committal.
I hope that makes life easier for you all and we’ll all see each other at Leo’s party, so we can have a chat then. He really misses seeing Theo outside of school, hopefully we can start to do that again soon.
She didn’t need to read between the lines to know it was a brush off and that he only intended seeing her for the boys’ sake. She only had herself to blame, because she’d been the one who’d set those boundaries when it came to meeting up in Port Agnes. It must have made Nathan feel like a dirty secret and she hated herself for that. What worried her most was that he might hate her for it too and that they wouldn’t even be able to salvage a friendship out of the mess she’d made of everything. She missed just spending time with him and talking, but she had to accept she might have a long road to travel before she could start to regain his trust. Now that the day of Leo’s party had finally arrived, she just hoped she wasn’t about to discover that it was already too late.
