Page 34 of Letting Go of Yesterday
‘You’re going to tell your father that you’re gay?’ Despite her suggestion that he needed to be honest with the people who mattered, she’d felt certain that he’d back out of talking to his father. The fact that he was actually going to do it had shocked Rowan so much it had stolen the rest of the words she’d been about to say to James, that there was no way he could stay with her and the children at the cottage. She had a strong suspicion he wanted her support when he spoke to Michael, but it wasn’t her job to be there when he needed her any more, and James couldn’t just lean on her whenever he felt like it. She was glad he was finally showing some signs of doing more than wallowing in his own self-pity, but she needed to be careful that he didn’t try to involve her in his problems. They weren’t partners any more, except when it came to raising the children.
‘I want to tell him, I really do, but I just don’t know if I can. First of all, he needs to know we’re getting a divorce.’
‘He doesn’t even know that?’ She’d widened her eyes, astonished that James had managed to keep the news from his father for so long.
‘He knows we’re separated, but I got lecture after lecture from him about the seriousness of the commitment we made and how much damage us splitting up will do to the children.’ James had sighed deeply. ‘I think if he could just see how well we’re managing this and how happy and settled the kids are, he might be able to accept the divorce and then maybe – eventually – he might be able to accept the rest.’
A surge of annoyance had made Rowan’s scalp prickle for a moment. James had precisely nothing to do with how well the children were handling the break-up, or settling into their new life in Port Agnes, but that was him all over and he was never going to change. It was far easier to let it go now she knew she’d never have to live with him again, or listen to all the delusions he spouted in an attempt to cover up his inadequacies as a parent. He’d had that expression on his face too, the one that made him look so much like Theo it was impossible to harden her heart towards him as much as she knew she should. ‘Do you really think he ever will?’
‘Maybe not, but at least this way he’ll know the children are okay and even if he decides he never wants to speak to me again, I want him to know that what I’ve done hasn’t ruined their lives.’ James had caught hold of her hand. ‘Because it hasn’t, has it? Please tell me it hasn’t?’
‘It hasn’t.’ His shoulders had slumped with relief and it had seemed in that moment as though he was finally able to put the children before himself. She’d been about to hug him, when he’d uttered a sentence that had made her mouth drop open in shock for a second time.
‘I just hope my father can see it that way, because he’s coming to stay next week.’
‘Please tell me you haven’t invited him to stay inmyhouse.’ Her voice had been icy and all the good work they’d done over the past week to forge some kind of new relationship had been perilously close to obliteration. If he’d said yes or even nodded, she wasn’t sure she’d have been able to be responsible for her actions. So it was a very good job that James had shaken his head.
‘I’ve booked him a room at the pub by the harbour, but I thought maybe we could invite him to spend a day with us as a family, so that he can see how well we’re managing things with the children.’
The thought filled her with dread. Her father-in-law had always been a difficult man and Rowan had never had a close relationship with him, but she figured she could get through one day if it meant James felt ready to leave sooner rather than later. ‘Okay, but one day and that’s it. Are you going to speak to the children about Euan before your dad comes here?’
‘I thought it might be better to wait until he’s gone. I don’t want them to have to keep it a secret and I’m not ready to tell him yet. If he’s ever going to have the slightest chance of accepting this, I need to take it one stage at a time and tell him about the divorce first.’
That was how she’d found herself agreeing to allow James to stay with her and the children for another week, and it was also how she’d ended up agreeing to spend the first Saturday of the new half term with her soon-to-be ex-father-in-law. Michael had been ensconced in the room at the pub since Wednesday evening and James had taken him out for lunch the following day to explain that he and Rowan had decided to formalise the end of their marriage. It was a decision that had apparently been met with another lecture. Between all of that and the usual demands of school restarting, Rowan hadn’t been able to spend any time with Nathan. It was something she felt guilty about, but the fact that she missed speaking to him so much worried her too. He was the person she wanted to talk to about everything that was going on more than anyone else.
She could have spoken to Pippa or Odette, but they knew nothing about her life in Port Agnes, or how it had been in the wake of her parents’ marriage breaking up. They probably wouldn’t have understood her willingness to give James the space to manage this in his own way, so that their children could manage it in theirs. She wanted Bella and Theo to be able to decide how much of their family life they shared with other people. She could probably have spoken to Bex and Toni too, but the children deserved to know the truth about what was going on between their parents before anyone else found out. She couldn’t talk to her mother, because it would upset Katrina to know just how much the ending of her parents’ marriage had affected her and how very differently she wanted to handle things.
Nathan was the one person she felt would understand the whole picture and who she was certain she’d could trust not to tell another living soul if she asked him not to, but it still felt wrong to tell him everything before the children found out about Euan, and she’d promised James she’d keep the truth to herself until he’d had a chance to tell them. If she saw Nathan she knew she wouldn’t be able to keep everything in and the last thing she wanted to do was to lie to him. So for now, she was still keeping her distance, and fobbing him off. He’d seemed to understand when she’d told him that spending time with James was about working in partnership with her soon-to-be ex-husband for the children’s sake, but she had to admit that she would have found it difficult if Nathan had suddenly started spending all his time with his ex-wife. Things were just a mess right now and she couldn’t wait for this week to be over. Tomorrow she’d be spending the day with her father-in-law, and the day after that James had promised to tell the children and then go back to Membory Grange to sort things out there, before finding himself somewhere else to live. Just another forty-eight hours and it would all be over. That’s what she kept telling herself. Then she could stop hiding in the office at pick-up time, to avoid bumping into Nathan.
‘Ah, I was hoping I’d find you here.’ Keith Hounslow pushed open the door to Rowan’s office without knocking and she swallowed against the urge to tell him she had a door for a reason. Bex appeared behind him and mouthed the word sorry, but she knew it wasn’t her friend’s fault. If Keith wanted to see her, he would, and as chair of governors he seemed to think that gave him unrestricted access to her timeandher office. Shooting a smile of understanding at Bex, she looked at Keith, trying to determine whether this was an official visit or another excuse to come and grill her about his granddaughter’s progress and whether she thought the little girl might be showing exceptional ability in any area of learning. Avery was a lovely child and absolutely nothing like her grandfather, but her favourite part of the school day was undoubtedly spent in the playground rather than the classroom. Rowan had told Keith before that Avery had lots of friends and was very happy, but that didn’t seem to be enough to appease him.
‘Please, sit down, Keith and tell me to what do I owe the pleasure of a visit?’ Rowan painted on a smile and hoped her words sounded far more genuine than they felt, because upsetting the chair of governors was never a good move for any headteacher and she really loved her job. The first time she’d realised it had been about four weeks after she’d started at Port Agnes Primary School. A lot of her friends in the teaching profession had wondered what on earth she was doing taking a job like that and part of her had wondered if it was the end of her career too. She’d never have dreamt of leaving Membory Grange for a job like this if her personal life hadn’t caved in. The first couple of weeks had been the trickiest, and the more difficult parents and staff had taken up most of her time in those early days. She’d had to put Sarah Mayhew, the Year 2 teacher, on a written warning after she’d shared inappropriate views about immigration with the children in her class. Thankfully it had happened in front of a teaching assistant and Rowan had implemented an action plan to monitor Sarah’s practice, leading her to resign three days later with no notice. It had saved Rowan from having to implement further disciplinary proceedings, but it had been time consuming to arrange initial cover and then set about finding a permanent replacement.
There were also certain parents who came in almost every day to complain about something and pupils whose behaviours had indicated that they needed more support than they were being given, which Rowan had the unenviable task of trying to secure funding for. Coming from the private sector, where money was far less of an issue, it had been challenging to say the least. She hadn’t been sure how the staff would respond to her, especially after Sarah’s resignation, but they’d pulled together, and the two part-time teachers who usually looked after Year 1 between them, both agreed to go full time temporarily until a replacement could be found. When Rowan had suggested, at a staff meeting, that the school put on a musical at Christmas involving not just the pupils, but the staff too, she’d expected sighs and groans. It was something that had happened at Membory Grange every year and it had helped everyone to really feel part of school life, but it would mean extra work and there was no endless pot of money to fund it. Much to her surprise a couple of the teachers, Lyra and Caden, had taken the idea and run with it, suggesting that they involve the parents as well and enlisting support from several of the teaching assistants.
During Rowan’s fourth week as headteacher, Lyra and Caden had invited parents to come in and talk about how staging a very scaled down event might work. Nathan and Will had offered to help with set building and there’d been so much support for the idea that it had suddenly felt as though Rowan had always been a part of the place. That same week they had settled onThe Sound of Musicas the musical they’d be performing, and she’d heard the various classes beginning to practise the songs. Despite the fact that they’d staged a far more ambitious musical every year at Membory Grange, Rowan had never felt so much a part of it – as if she was right at the centre of school life in every sense – and that was when she’d realised just how much she loved her new job. It could only have happened in a school as small as Port Agnes Primary and that understanding had made her realise how wrong her friends had been. This wasn’t a step back at all, it was exactly where she was meant to be. This wasn’t the stop gap job she’d once considered it might be, it was where she wanted to stay and it was why she couldn’t afford to upset Keith, no matter how difficult he might be.
‘Did you know I’ve been chair of governors for seven years now, since long before my granddaughter even started here?’ Keith peered over his glasses at her and she wondered how he was expecting her to react. Perhaps he was finally going to stand down, but she doubted it. He liked the sense of power the position gave him far too much.
‘It’s very generous of you to donate so much of your time to the school.’
‘Yes, it has been a huge commitment, but it’s worth it when I know the school is benefitting so much from my input.’ He preened for a moment, before seeming to remember there was another reason why he was here. ‘My point is that I was here for the last Ofsted visit and I met with several of the inspectors.’
‘Right.’ Rowan still wasn’t sure where this was going, so she waited for Keith to elaborate.
‘I was having lunch with a friend today at The Sands hotel and I recognised one of the inspectors from the last visit, while he was checking in. Afterwards I spoke to the receptionist, whose husband used to be one of my DCs, and she told me that the guest was staying until Thursday morning and that he’d told her that he was here for work.’
‘Leaving on Thursday would fit with us getting the call on Monday and them doing the visit on the Tuesday and Wednesday, except it’s very early to be checking in, isn’t it?’ Rowan didn’t want to think that Keith might be right. She absolutely did not need there to be an Ofsted inspection next week. Not with the weekend she had to get through first.
‘Exactly, but it makes sense that if the inspectors are coming from outside the area, they might want to come down early to make the most of the chance to do some prep work. It seems a very big coincidence for one of the inspectors to be in Port Agnes for work, and not be coming here next week.’
‘It does, doesn’t it?’ Rowan could almost hear the thud as her heart sank to the floor. Not Ofsted, not now. She just wanted to get through everything with James and Michael, and then have a chance to talk to Nathan, but it seemed fate was determined to get in the way.
‘The question is, are you ready?’ Keith fixed her with the kind of intense stare she could imagine him using on the suspects he’d interviewed back in the day.
‘Of course we are.’ Rowan’s forced smile was starting to hurt her face now, but she stood up and opened the door to where Bex was working at her desk. ‘It looks like we might be getting notification of an Ofsted inspection on Monday, so I’m going to see how many of the staff are still around and do a quick briefing to remind them of the plan, that way we’ll be as ready as we can be if the call comes.’
‘Can I do anything to help?’
