Page 33 of Letting Go of Yesterday
‘What would you like to eat?’ Nathan knew what the answer to his question would be, but he asked it anyway.
‘Can we go to The Donut Shack?’
‘Anything for you.’ He smiled at his nephew who looked suddenly serious for a moment.
‘You’re the best uncle in the world.’
‘Is that right?’ Raising his eyebrows, he smiled as Leo nodded. ‘And why is that?’
‘Because you take me to the best places and you let me have whatever I want for lunch, and don’t make me eat any yucky vegetables.’
‘Maybe I should.’ Nathan laughed again at the look of disgust on his nephew’s face. ‘Okay, maybe not, I don’t want to lose my crown as the best uncle in the world. Especially not when I was awarded it by the best boy in the world.’
‘I’m not the best boy in the world.’ Leo’s eyes took on a glassy sheen. ‘I can hardly even walk.’
Nathan’s breath lodged in his windpipe, liked someone had grabbed him by the throat and tightened their fingers around it. But he had to get the words out, he couldn’t let Leo think for one moment that the fact he couldn’t walk more than a couple of steps, with the aid of a walker, affected how Nathan thought about him. ‘Maybe not, but you can make your wheelchair go so fast that no one can keep up with it. If you beat me to The Donut Shack, not only can you choose whatever you want to eat, you’ll officially earn the title of the best boy in the world. Ready, steady, go.’
Nathan shot off first and then slowed down, letting Leo draw level and move past him, before pretending to run as fast as he could but still not catching up. By the time they reached The Donut Shack, Leo was crowing with laughter and teasing Nathan about being so slow.
Nathan was true to his word and let Leo choose exactly what he wanted. It was a far from balanced lunch, but it wouldn’t matter this once and he knew Will and Heather wouldn’t mind.
‘I don’t think I can eat any more.’ Leo put down his half eaten third doughnut and Nathan grinned, before picking it up and taking a bite.
‘Well kiddo, you might be faster than me, but I’m way better at eating doughnut.’
‘No you’re not, it’s only because you’re much bigger and… I can see Theo!’ Leo suddenly pointed in the direction of a group of people about thirty feet away and, as Nathan turned, he realised Leo was right. Not only that, but Theo was with his sister and both his parents. Nathan recognised James from the wedding photos that until recently had been on display at Tony and Marion’s house. No one looking at James now would think he was doing anything other than spending a lovely day out with his wife and their children. Bella and Theo were slightly ahead of their parents, and Rowan and James were walking side by side. For a moment Nathan thought they were holding hands and, when he realised they weren’t, he let go of a long breath he hadn’t even known he was holding. Rowan had never said they weren’t spending family time together, and he had no real right to feel so strange about the fact that they were, but he couldn’t help it. They looked so right together, the four of them, like the kind of family the theme park might want to feature on its website.
‘Can we go and see them?’ Leo’s eyes were round with anticipation and Nathan hated the fact that he was going to have to disappoint him.
‘Remember what I said this morning, Theo only has this week to see his dad.’ He held Leo’s gaze until he nodded. ‘It’s not long at all and I think we should let them have that time together, by themselves.’
He’d been certain that Leo was going to put forward an argument, but to his surprise the little boy nodded again. Nathan had been just as certain that Rowan or one of the others would turn around and spot him and Leo, but they didn’t. It was almost as if they were in a bubble of family life that made everything else fade from view. It was how it should be, and it was what Nathan had always hoped he’d have one day, at least before he’d gone to prison. Family should be a rock-solid unit that meant nothing else even came close. The thought that Rowan might want that back made his chest ache and he couldn’t deny that his feelings for her had become far deeper than he’d intended to let them. He hated the thought that she might want James back, but if being part of a family was what she really wanted and she had the chance to make that happen, he had no right to raise any objection, no matter how much he might want to. All he could do was focus on the family he did have, one he wouldn’t swap for anything.
‘You know I said you were the best boy in the world?’ He looked at Leo, who nodded for a third time. ‘Well you’re not, you’re the best boy in the universe.’
‘What if there are boys on other planets with four eyes and six arms, so they can see behind and in front, and they’re strong enough to carry a car?’ Leo furrowed his brow. ‘What if they can run faster than a cheetah, or fly, or read people’s minds?’
‘Even if they can it won’t matter, you’d still be the best.’ Nathan dropped a kiss on his nephew’s head. ‘Now if you’ve finished eating all those doughnuts, how about we try to find a ride that doesn’t make us throw up?’
‘Okay, but I bet there are some aliens on other planets whose sick glows in the dark. That would be so cool.’ Leo started to laugh and Nathan couldn’t help joining in. Seeing Rowan playing happy families with James might have felt like a punch to the gut, but this amazing little boy continued to give him a reason to smile, and to be the teacher he’d never even known he needed. Sometimes he had to accept there were things in life that he had no control over and try to find the joy in every moment. Nathan might never be as good as Leo at doing that, but he was determined to try.
19
It was one week into the half term before Christmas and yet it felt like months since Rowan had had a break. Spending most of half term with James had been tricky enough. She’d done it partly because he’d seemed so fragile, and somehow she found herself feeling she still owed him her support, but the biggest motivation for it had been the children. Spending so much time with James had been an attempt to fast forward them to a point where they could have some kind of friendship again, at least enough to co-parent amicably. She didn’t want Bella and Theo to experience years of tension, like she had, or ever feel they had to choose a side. There’d been times since he’d arrived that the last thing she wanted to do was to spend another moment in James’s company, but she’d pushed through the awkwardness and the sensation that her husband was a stranger she’d never really known at all.
It had undoubtedly been easier to let go of some of her anger towards James because of how she felt about Nathan. She had no idea yet if their fledging relationship would go anywhere. Even so, it had already taught her that what she and James had was just as wrong for her as it had been for him. He might have lied to her about his sexuality, but she’d lied to herself that she was happy with things the way they’d been. James had never made her pulse race the way Nathan did, and he’d never been able to make her laugh in quite the way Nathan did either. More than that, it was Nathan’s ability to put Leo’s needs above his own that set him apart from James. He was the kind of man she should have children with, and she was more certain than ever that whatever he’d done to land himself in prison, it hadn’t been for personal gain.
All of that made it easier to be around James; he hadn’t ruined their perfect life together, because they’d never had one. That didn’t make everything between them plain sailing and Rowan’s biggest concern was giving the children any mixed messages about how things might work out in the future. She didn’t want them to be confused and it felt more and more like they needed to know that there was no chance of their parents ever getting back together. She and James had sat up talking until the early hours of the morning, three days after he’d turned up on the doorstep and he’d finally agreed to tell them the truth, before they inevitably heard it from someone else. Now that more people at their old school knew about James and Euan, it was only a matter of time before someone found a way to let them know. He’d promised to tell them before he left, but things hadn’t gone the way they’d discussed at all.
‘I’ve decided not to go back to Membory Grange.’ James had made the announcement on the last day of the school holiday and Rowan had known that things were about to get even more complicated.
‘You can’t just quit. Where will you live?’
‘I thought I could stay here for a while.’
Rowan was sure her mouth must have dropped open. ‘Whathere, here? In this house?’
‘Just until I can get things sorted. I promised to tell the children everything, and I will, but I don’t want to have to rush it because I’m supposed to be back at school.’ James had shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot, staring at the floor for a moment before finally raising his gaze to meet hers again. ‘I’ve been thinking about applying to oversee my own parish eventually, somewhere they can accept my relationship with Euan, but I’ll need to tell my father before I can even think about talking to the church.’
