Page 15 of Letting Go of Yesterday
‘Let’s just say that life is far more peaceful if Briony’s name doesn’t come up.’ Bex gave a dramatic sigh, clearly realising she was going to have to give some kind of explanation. ‘Because of her, our parents lost thousands of pounds and it pushed their retirement back by years. Whatever Nathan did, at least he faced up to it and tried his best to make it right, instead of running off like Briony. I don’t care what anyone says, I still think he’s a good man.’
‘It sounds like it.’ Anna had clearly made the decision to move the conversation away from any more talk of Bex’s sister, and she turned towards Rowan. ‘I hear you know Nathan quite well from back in the day?’
‘I—’ Rowan stopped and pulled a face, hoping it would be enough to indicate to the others that she didn’t want to discuss this in front of Theo, but suddenly Bella was standing in front of her.
‘Tiff thinks she can see some seals, but they’re quite far away. It’s a lot easier to see them from the side of the boat and I thought Theo might want to come and sit with us. Is that okay?’ She gave her mother a questioning look and a wave of warmth flooded over Rowan. Whatever boundaries Bella might be pushing lately and however determined she was to start asserting her independence, deep down she was the same sweet, loving girl she’d always been.
‘Please, Mum, can I?’ Theo tugged on her sleeve.
‘Of course you can, just be careful and don’t lean over the edge to take photos, or my phone could end up in the sea, and so could you.’ She handed him her mobile, knowing there was still a risk it could get lost, but not caring as long as Theo enjoyed himself. It was so good to see both children happy and excited. Reaching out for her daughter’s hand, Rowan brushed hers against it. The gesture was just enough to demonstrate her love and gratitude, but not enough to embarrass Bella. ‘Thank you, darling, you’re a good big sister.’
‘I know.’ Bella grinned and Rowan had a feeling her daughter might be reminding her of that next time she wanted something. It would be worth it, though, and the only downside to her children getting along so well and disappearing off together, was that now she had no excuse not to answer Anna’s question. And when Toni decided to offer a recap, she realised she’d been well and truly backed into a corner.
‘I think Anna was asking you about Nathan?’
‘There’s nothing to tell.’ Rowan gave a deliberately over-the-top shrug. ‘We kissed once, when we were about sixteen. Then I moved away and that was it.’
‘Until you moved back and your eyes met across the empty playground. Oh yeah and you also forgot to mention all the years you pined after Nathan at school, before you finally wore him down!’ Bex laughed and ducked out of the way as Rowan pretended to make a grab for her. ‘You’ll have to be quicker than that, I’m used to dodging blows from Tom and Ollie. And don’t try to pretend with me, I’ve known you since you had a crush on him first time around and I saw the same look on your face when you went over to talk to him in the playground.’
‘No, you didn’t. I just think it’s lovely how much he looks out for his nephew and how involved he is with things around the school. I’d be the same with anyone.’
‘You keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better.’ Bex shook her head. ‘Although I don’t know why you’re pretending you don’t still find him attractive. You are allowed to admit it, especially now you’re single.’
‘Single.’ Rowan hadn’t realised that she’d repeated the word out loud until the others looked at her. She was single, wasn’t she? After more than twenty years with the same man, theonlyman she’d ever slept with, she was single. Not only that but it turned out her husband had slept with at least as many men as she had, probably more if she allowed herself to face the truth of just how long he’d been playing make believe.
‘Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. Me and my big mouth, nothing’s changed since we were at school on that front either. It’s probably why you and Toni stopped hanging out with me for so long, you both wanted to shake me off.’ Bex put an arm around Rowan, but she shook her head. She didn’t want her friend to feel bad; their lives had just moved in different directions over the years. It was really lovely to have her old friends back, and to be making new friends like Anna too. There was no way she was going to allow James to ruin that for her.
‘Don’t be daft, it’s true, I am single, it’s just taking me a while to get used to the fact that I’m not part of James and Rowan any more, that’s all.’
‘It will take a while.’ Toni’s voice was low. ‘And no one expects you to rush into another relationship, or to throw yourself at Nathan Lark and tell him you want to pick up where you left off. You don’t have to start another relationship at all if you don’t want to. Just don’t shut yourself off from the possibility. I did that for more than ten years after my fiancé Aaron died, because I thought I’d had my one shot at finding someone. Then I met Bobby, and for a long time I still told myself I couldn’t have all the things that I thought I was going to have with Aaron, but I got all of them and more.’
‘You certainly did.’ Rowan smiled. Toni’s heart had been shattered by her fiancé’s death from a brain aneurysm, but now she had a husband and two gorgeous kids, and she seemed happier than Rowan had ever known her. Maybe Rowan could open her heart up to the prospect of a new relationship eventually too, but it could never be with Nathan Lark. Whatever the reasons for the crime he’d committed and however much she might sympathise with them, living in a village like Port Agnes meant your indiscretions were never forgotten. Rowan had been the focus of village gossip before and that was one aspect of her past she never wanted to relive.
* * *
Rowan clicked on the icon to save the file she’d been working on, even though she still wasn’t 100 per cent happy with it. She’d been preparing her first staff training session, which she’d be delivering the day before the children came back to school. She needed to get this right, her new team would form a first impression of her off the back of the staff development day. She wanted them to view her as friendly and approachable, and a team player who still understood what it was like to be in the classroom, rather than shut away in the headteacher’s office. She needed to balance that with setting out her intention to make some changes within the school, and articulating a vision for the future that the staff could believe in. She also wanted her new team to feel that the training was worthwhile and that they’d actually learned something, rather than just being there to tick a box. Port Agnes Primary School was a very different place from Membory Grange, so she had to approach the training differently too. This was her third attempt at finalising the materials and she suddenly felt an almost overwhelming urge to get away from the computer and give herself a chance to think.
The clouds still seemed to be hiding somewhere far from Port Agnes, and there was another endless blue sky above the school buildings when Rowan wandered into the playground. Bex was in the office, updating the children’s files, and a couple of other staff had popped in to continue preparations for the start of term, but other than that the place was deserted. It was always a slightly weird sensation, being in a school without any children, and Rowan closed her eyes for a moment, trying to envisage not just the pupils she’d be responsible for, but her own children running around in this playground, making friends and taking another step towards Port Agnes becoming their permanent home. Bella and Theo were with her mother, who was going to drop them into the school on their way back from the beach, so that they could have one last look round before the start of term. Rowan just hoped it would seem as perfect to her children as it did to her. With the sun warming her face, and birdsong the only sound filling the air, a sense of contentment she hadn’t felt in a very long time swept over her.
‘Huh-hum.’ Someone behind her was clearing their throat. Rowan’s eyes shot open in response and she spun around, coming face to face with Nathan, his nephew, Leo, and Krish, the school caretaker.
‘Sorry, Mrs Bellamy.’ Krish looked distinctly uncomfortable. ‘We were trying not to make you jump and I didn’t think there’d be anyone but Mrs White here. Otherwise I wouldn’t have arranged for Leo to come and try out the new paving grids. We just wanted to make sure everything’s as it should be for the start of term.’
‘It’s not a problem at all, it’s really nice to see you again, Leo, and your T-shirt is great. Theo loves dolphins too. He’s desperate to see one, ever since my mum told him she sometimes sees them in the bay when she’s walking her dog in the mornings. We haven’t been lucky enough yet, but he’s keeping everything crossed it won’t be long.’
‘Dolphins are the best and I get to see them all the time, when I go out on Uncle Nathan’s boat.’ Leo beamed. ‘Maybe Theo could come with us next time?’
He turned towards his uncle, who smiled in response. ‘He’d be welcome anytime and you could come too if it makes you feel more comfortable being there to keep an eye on him, and Bella of course.’
Nathan’s gaze met hers and the air suddenly felt as though it had thickened, making it harder to catch her breath, but she managed to nod slowly. ‘We’d all love to see a dolphin and anything that helps convince Bella that moving to Port Agnes was a good idea has to be worth doing.’
She hadn’t meant to be quite so open, but there was something about the way Nathan looked at her that made it hard to keep her guard up. The young girl who’d fallen under his spell was clearly still in there somewhere. It was probably no surprise that nostalgia was such a powerful force, when the recent past had been so tricky, but it didn’t mean anything.
‘We’ll have to arrange a date to go out.’ He was still holding her gaze and her mouth opened and shut a couple of times, like a fish out of water. Nathan gave her a quizzical look and, when she still didn’t respond, he laughed. ‘Don’t panic, I just meant let’s choose a date when we can go out on the boat, while the weather is still so good.’
‘Oh, yes of course.’ Rowan looked down and picked an imaginary piece of fluff off the sleeve of her summer dress so that there was no chance of Nathan, or anyone else, reading the expression on her face. She couldn’t even attempt to hide how she was feeling, because she wasn’t sure herself. It would be lovely for Theo to have a good friend and the idea of taking them out on the boat together definitely appealed, but she’d have been lying to herself if she tried to pretend she hadn’t experienced a frisson of excitement at the idea of going on a date with Nathan. There’d been a mixture of fear and horror at the idea too; that would really give people something to talk about. Even if the idea of that hadn’t been enough to put her off, her life was in far too much of a mess to get involved with anyone else. Thankfully Krish saved her from further embarrassment.
‘Shall we go and check out the paving grids, then?’
