Page 39 of The Leaves In Autumn
I look up into kind eyes.
“Not exactly.”
She waits.
“There had been some sexual tension between Barbra and me for a few weeks or so. Which sort of surprised us both I think. We were so good at the friend thing. I like the person she is. And she likes me. Anyway, we acted on our impulses. Spent the night together. That’s the whole story.”
“It wasn’t what you had hoped?”
I almost laugh.
“Actually, it was better. Until it wasn’t. I got emotional. We were making love, and I felt this sadness wash over me. I couldn’t control it. There may have been a tear involved. It threw me. Changed everything.”
“How did Barbra react?”
“She didn’t. I don’t think she saw. But I knew. I know.”
“Let’s explore this. You’ve told me that you feel partially responsible for your wife’s death.”
“How does that connect?”
“When we talk about new relationships, what you experienced in the past, and what you continue to carry,willcertainly influence them. Especially since you continue to take responsibility for your wife’s death. It is too great a burden to carry alone. It will become part oftheirstory.”
“Why does it have to be that way?”
“Because someone who loves you wants you to be whole. And happy. If you continue to push down old wounds, you will not be present in the new. It will shortchange anyone else. Emotionally, Aargon, if you don’t understand this before starting a new relationship, it will suffer. There’s a lot to unpack here.”
I sit silently, absorbing the words, the idea of just how fucked up my thinking has been. When I look up to see her confident expression, I feel a little confidence of my own.
“Help me figure this out.”
CHAPTER 14
Barbra
Layla sits on the hard bench, putting her lucky bowling shoes on. I tie my shoelaces. Sharp sounds of balls rolling down the lanes, pins scattering, and the dull ones of mixed conversations fill the room.
“Van must have no idea. He would have told me.”
She looks back, making sure he is still at the counter out of range. I continue.
“That’s interesting in itself. So Aargon is keeping the hookup secret. Or he’s embarrassed it happened at all.”
She looks at me like I am crazy. One side of her mouth lifts.
“That’s ridiculous. You’re the one who laid the law down. Friendship. That’s whatyouchoose. Why would he tell anyone you got it on and then the next day you suddenly decided to just be friends? It doesn’t sound very good for the man.”
“True. But it wasn’t like that. He was so…perfect.”
“Are you second-guessing yourself?”
“No. I don’t want to love a man who still has another woman in his heart.”
“Love?”
“You know what I mean. Poor choice of words.”
There are questions in her eyes.
