Page 103 of The Leaves In Autumn
That makes me sit back. I thought it was going to be a tougher sell.
“Why does that surprise you, Aargon?”
“Because psychologically, it would be something a person who feels like they are drowning might do. Think they are in love.”
“That’s true. But are you still drowning?”
“No.”
“And are you allowing her to leave you, without any manipulation?”
“Well, yes.”
“She isn’t much of a life raft then. You are setting her adrift voluntarily.”
“What an asshole I am,” I chuckle.
“No. You are just good at swimming, and you see the shore.”
“I wish things were different.”
“Life and its choices continue. Every day brings a whole new set of possibilities. I think you are well-equipped to figure out which you want to pursue. Some of those things may include Barbra. It’s all inyourhands. Andhers.”
“I hear you.”
“But now, you won’t be a man making choices based on fear. Only partly present. Your wife’s death, and your sister’s, have been the lead story in your mind, all these years. Now they are where they belong. In the archives. Not gone, not forgotten. Just only accessible when you choose to look at them.”
“That’s a good way to think about it. Yeah. It’s how it feels, and you have no idea how…sorry. I know you have every idea of what it feels like.”
“We are members of a fucked-up club no one wants to be part of. But here we are. I think we have done pretty good considering the enormous pain involved. It’s good to remind yourself of that once in a while.”
“I will.”
“Sometimes I think of myself as a soldier in a long war. I was drafted, I didn’t enlist.”
“That’s true for me too.”
“The more we study the battlefields, the greater our chance of surviving. The enemy is losing, not because we pushed them away. It lost the psychological advantage it had before we understood its nature.”
“I feel much more equipped to know how to deal with whatever comes. Even my sleep has improved.”
Not sure it’s because of Dr. Franklin or Barbra. Barbra hands down.
“I think we can cut down our visits. What do you think?”
“Agreed. I was about to say the same. Let’s make one for January, but play it by ear?”
Who knows what will be happening? She grabs her book and uses her lap as a table.
“How about the sixth?”
“That’s good,” I say getting up. “I want to thank you. This has been an enormous education as well as a healing. I’ll never forget what you did for me, Doctor Franklin.”
She rises too and holds out a hand for shaking.
When I walk outside, the late afternoon light looks particularly beautiful. I made it through. I made it. Didn’t know if it would ever happen. I thought I might live one of those lives of quiet desperation. Never imagined where I would be today. How I would feel about life, or the future. I haven’t thought much about the future for these years. Except in broad terms. Teddy will graduate. Find a wife. Grandchildren. Everything in between, and beyond, was invisible. Now it’s all I think about.
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