Page 26 of The Curve
I throw the pillow in his direction and cover my face with my hands.
He’s laughing as he exits the room. I sit up and put my shoes back on. Making my way to the bathroom I splash some water on my face. That’s when I hear the women coming in the room.
“Charlotte! Honey we’re here!”
Walking out I see the friendly forgiving faces of Lucinda, Birdie and Bristol. Paige and Mallory bring up the rear.
“I’m glad you’re all here. I want to apologize to each of you.”
A chorus of voices deny me my chance.
“There’s nothing to apologize for, dear,” says Birdie sweetly.
“Boone has a hollow leg when it comes to Jack Daniels and he thinks the rest of us do too,” Lucinda says.
“Mom, I’ve never seen you have a drink.”
“I haven’t for years, but that’s no excuse to overdo and ruin such a beautiful supper.”
“You didn’t ruin anything. We all went right on eating,” says Lucinda with a wave of her hand.
Birdie sits on the edge of the bed. “I think we’ve all done embarrassing things. I know I have.”
“What have you done, Grandma? Tell us,” says Bristol. “I’ve never known you to do anything embarrassing.”
“This was long before I became a grandmother. And only your grandfather remembers it now. He’s the last witness. I went over my future in-laws house for a sitting. That’s what they used to call a memorial service for a recently deceased family member. Davis’s grandfather had died the day before. It was a very somber occasion.”
“What happened? Did you get drunk and dance on the table?” Bristol teases.
“Worse. I had eaten some dried fruit right before I left my house. By the time we got there I wasn’t feeling too well. Then right in the middle of Pastor Andrews opening prayer I got an attack of diarrhea.”
We all start laughing.
“Oh, no! Grandma! The squirts?”
“That’s not the worst of it,” she says crying laughing.
“What could possibly be worse?” says Lucinda.
“Plugging up the toilet. That would be worse.”
We’re dying laughing at Grandma Birdie’s misfortune.
“I ran to the bathroom, and in Davis’s house the toilet handle was hanging from a chain above the seat. I was desperate to flush before the bowl filled so I yanked on it. But it broke, and the handle came off in my hand.”
All of us are grabbing our sides or doubling over with the image she paints. Mallory and Paige are having hysterics. Part of the humor is the fact that she’s so lovely and feminine in the telling.
“Then what happened?”
She takes a moment and looks each of us in the eye, for dramatic effect. “Then I realized the bowl was backing up. I couldn’t move away because I was still, well, evacuating, for lack of a better word. There I was in my pearls and petticoats, with my feces on the floor, under my shoes, it was a mess. And the smell…oh Lord!”
“Stop!! Stop! My face is hurting!” Bristol cries.
Lucinda puts an arm around her mother-in-law and pulls her close. “Grandma Birdie, I never heard that story before.”
“Tonight seemed like the right time to tell it.” Then she looks at me. “The moral of the story is shit happens.”
That makes her family lose it. They’re screaming laughing.
There’s a knock on the door. “You girls alright in there?” Grandpa Davis calls.
“We’re fine, darlin. Be out in a minute.”
“Birdie, you’ve made me feel better about my horrible first impression. Thank you.”
“Well good, honey because I like you. Just brush it off and come back and join us. We all want to get to know you better.”
Lucinda takes my hand. “Let’s go have a little Alka Seltzer cocktail.”
