Page 40 of Awakening
I knew my nosy ass brother wanted to meet Ajaih the moment I texted him I was coming and bringing company. He’d met Knox more times than I could count when he’d come and visit me. Over the years, JJ and I remained close; he was my best friend. He’d gone to college, where he earned his degree in Civil Engineering. Currently, he was the Resident Engineer for Cypress Fork, where they sung his praises for all the amazing work he’d done for the city’s infrastructure.
As we all sat in the kitchen, laughing, talking, and my mama getting acquainted with the two people who had my heart, Knox, of course, helped my mama with dinner. I heard the front door open.
“Damn, it’s smelling like a Michelin star chef is in here gettin’ busy,” JJ joked.
My baby brother always believed that no matter what it was, he could always tell when Knox was whippin’ up because it made your stomach growl with anticipation.
“Watch your mouth in here, JJ,” my mama scolded him playfully.
“My bad, ma.”
Seeing my baby brother, my feet didn’t stop moving until he was wrapped up in my embrace.
“Bro, you came,” he choked out, his eyes glossy.
“I’d move heaven, hell, and earth for you if you needed me to.” I kissed his head before we separated. He was looking behind me, and I knew exactly who had his attention as his mouth was open, but no words came out.
“Better close your mouth, you’re about to start drooling, fam,” I said, causing everyone to laugh as he flipped me the bird.
“JJ, this is my baby Ajaih. Ja, this is my baby brother, JJ.”
Stepping in front of me, I bit my bottom lip as I noticed how phat her ass was in the jean shorts.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” her voice sweet as honey as she hugged JJ.
“The pleasure is all mine, and if this nigga gets to acting up, I can be the Carter you need.” he looked at me playfully, taunting me.
“I appreciate the offer, but I’mma stick beside ‘em,” she joked.
JJ made his way to hug Mama, and then he made his way to dap up and hug Knox.
Today has been integral in my healing, and tomorrow will continue the journey.
As a nurse, I was accustomed to the hustle and bustle of hospitals; even the smell of antiseptic lent itself tofamiliarity. Machines beeped softly, the rhythm of life hanging by threads of wire and hope. James Sr. lay in the bed, thinner than I remembered, his skin dull against the hospital sheets.
My mother sat beside him, eyes red and watery. She stood when we entered.
Then I turned toward the bed.
James Sr.’s eyes opened slowly. He looked at me, then at the two people standing beside me, holding my hands. For a second, confusion passed through his expression. Then clarity, followed by a smile.
“You look happy,” he rasped.
“I am,” I said, “And I’m not hiding anymore.”
He tried to shift, wincing slightly. “I never hated you. I hated what I didn’t understand. I thought that maybe if I was hard enough on you, I could steer you away from pain. In my day, being gay was reason enough for people to harm you and make your life a living hell, and I didn’t want that for you, but in my quest to protect you, I ended up being the one causing you the most harm.”
The words I wanted to express were lodged in my throat, but I pushed myself to say the things I needed to say: “You told me I was less of a man. That I needed fixing.”
“I know,” he whispered, “And it was wrong—all of it. You were a great kid, smart, talented, respectful, and loving. I failed you, son, and my failure is the reason we missed so much of your life. Nurse Carter, it’s an honor to meet you. Maverick, I love you and I love who you are just as you are.”
Silence stretched.
“I was wrong, about you, about what love is supposed to look like, about what it means to be a father. I messed up,son. Messed up real fucking bad. I didn’t just turn my back on you, I tried to erase a part of you. I acted like your truth that I hadn’t even been made privy to was a problem I had to fix instead of something I should’ve held with pride. I let my fear and my ignorance speak louder than my love for you. That’s my biggest regret. Not only the silence, but also the harsh words. I should never have made you feel like you had to choose between being my son and being yourself.
You didn’t break my heart by being who you are; I broke yours by not being the kind of father you deserved. One who protects, one who shows up, one who doesn’t make their child feel like they’re unlovable. And I know I can’t take back the birthdays I missed, the hugs I didn’t give, the proud moments I let pass because my pride got in the way, but I’m here now, not because I’m sick or because I expect you to forgive me, but because I hope you might. Because as you stand in front of me, next to two people who I can tell love you fiercely and unconditionally, I see you, Maverick. I see how strong you are, how you carry yourself with grace and fire, and I hate that it took me this long to say, I’m proud of you. I’m so damn proud of you.
You’re my son. You’ve always been my son, and I love you: no conditions, no caveats, no more shame.
