Page 73 of Until We Burn
“Your aggressive writing gave it away.”
Diana giggles.
I chuckle through my words. “I swear I could hear the sound of the pen writing down the words ‘Kai can’t give good presentations to save his life.’”
“If it makes you feel any better, I added the sentence, ‘he looks dashing while he’s at it,’” Diana assures.
“Am I still dashing if I do this?”
I tackle her onto the pillows. Diana bursts out laughing. She thwacks me with her notebook.
“Kai, this is serious! We have to focus!”
“Alright, alright! Fine.” I surrender and drop back against the headboard. A smile still lingers on my face when I look at her. “Go ahead.”
Diana shyly looks down at her notepad and pushes herself up onto the pillows. “Well, the only note I have is that you need to speak with more conviction. You have the data, the facts, and the analysis to back up your points, but you spoke as if you were questioning every word.”
“Yeah…” I toy with the strings on my hoodie. “I tend to do that a lot.”
She frowns. “Why?”
Usually, I hesitate to talk about my parents. But when it comes to Diana, the words that used to be so hard to say rush out of me like water. “When I was growing up, my parents doubted every decision I made, and it fucked with my sense of judgment for a while. Uncle Manu helped a bit with that. Sometimes, I’m confident. Especially if there’s a reason. But there are also times when people doubt what I’m doing, and it just reminds me that I’m still standing on fragile ground that can cave in any second because I haven’t learned how to hold myself up.”
Diana’s shoulders fall. “I can’t imagine how crushing it’d be not to be signed after enduring that.”
“No, it’s…it’s fine.” I rub the crease between my brows. “Even if I don’t get signed, I’m cool with being a coach or an instructor. That’s what I’ve been trying to convince my parents to let me do.”
Her eyes search my face. “You’re not okay with doing that.”
“I have to be.”
Except the thought drains me more than it fuels me.
Diana catches the look on my face and gently pushes on. “I’ve seen you play and talk about the game, Kai. Youwantto be on the ice playing for a team. You’re only okay with working as a coach because it’s a safe option you can settle for if going after what you want feels too terrifying.”
I know she’s right. I love teaching at the hockey club. But the thought of doing it forever makes me ache for that other reality of playing for a team. Except I’m not blind to the shitty parts of that reality. There’s going to be media scrutiny ten times more intense than what I deal with now. I’m going to be hazed and humbled by older, experienced players, while I fight to uphold a city’s pride on my shoulders.
At the same time, I don’t want to spend my whole life aching for what I really want.
It’s as if Diana can read the words in my mind, because there’s a conviction on her face that quiets down the fears clashing in my head.
“What you want and what you think matters, Kai. I hope one day you can finally believe that and build the life you can’t stop thinking about.”
“Did your grandmother tell you that?” I ask.
“No.” Sadness dulls the light in her eyes, yet Diana smiles through it. “When you grow up having to defend every choice you make, it teaches you a few things.”
She doesn’t need to elaborate. I know enough about the Huangs that my anger spikes at the thought of them and what they’ve done to her. “You know, I could always knock out your family and hitch them to the back of Wallace’s zamboni. You can watch them get dragged across the ice. I’m sure Wallace won’t mind.”
Diana tosses her head back and laughs. Her dark eyes glimmer through her lashes, and her cheeks turn pink. I can’t look away. All I want to do is see her laugh like that over and over.
For a moment, everything goes quiet between us. Her gaze on me is soft and patient.
I wonder what would’ve happened if I had met her and dated her in first year. I wonder if we would’ve had nights like these: me in my sweats, Diana with her hair all loose, and we’re passing time in my bed.
I wonder if we would’ve had a chance.
Against my better judgment, my hand rises to reach for her.
