Page 108 of Until We Burn
Without her, the boys and I wouldn’t have ever become friends.
“Guys, let’s not fight, okay?” I clap my hands on both of their shoulders. “We need each other if we’re ever gonna make it to the top.”
Luke and Rowan ease up.
Standing here among the trees, with our knees dirty and our hands stained with dirt, I feel like we’re back in Sunnyside Park in Surrey. I remember when we were just three little boys who dreamed about playing in the big leagues with every player we’ve looked up to. Who shouldered the wide eyes and skepticism of career counsellors who asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. I don’t remember when those dreams went from giving us hope to crushing it entirely when it came to wanting something other than playing the game. But I’ll never forget who I got here with.
I don’t want to.
Together, the boys and I lean against each other and trek up the mountain again.
Luke and Rowan’s opinions clash in my mind on the way up. This time, they quiet down a little against the feeling of Diana’s hair clip pressing into my hip.
Her voice drowns out theirs.
What you want and what you think matters.
I try to wrestle my own voice out of the echo chamber of everyone else’s thoughts.
WhatdoI want?
Fear of what people will think about my decisions, and the excuses I make to protect me from their judgment clamor around me.
I shake my head, trying to hold onto what I want beneath all the distractions. Every sharp breath, every burn and ache in my body eventually gets me to the top of Grouse Mountain.
A bright glint spears into my eye. I wince and squint up. The sun breaches the clouds and colors the fog in soft, golden light.
I wander to the edge of the deck and slump against the railing. The cool mountain air sinks and spreads across my skin, easing the heat blazing underneath it.
The Grouse Grind doesn’t get easier. But when you reach the peak, you remember why the pain is worth it.
I unhitch Diana’s hair clip from my waistband. Her slow, wicked smile and steady brown eyes control my mind. Every doubt that rages in there goes quiet as I look back at the mountains and the skies.
What do you want?
Her.
I want to spend the rest of my time at DHU with Diana. I don’t want to let her go before I really need to. I’ve never felt more alive than I do right now. I don’t want to turn back around and lose out on everything I could’ve had because I was too scared to see it through.
After all the anger, frustration, and anxiety I’ve felt since first year, I don’t want to feel regret, too.
CHAPTER 44
DIANA
Evidence of Jonathanand Gregory’s crimes lay out in front of me.
“These IP addresses belong to the scumbags Jonathan turns to when he needs some dirty work done. It’s all proven. Once you show these papers to your dad and get that whistleblower to talk, you’re cleared.”
Stella glows with a pride that I wish I could feel, too. But all that swells in my heart is a strange, heavy dread I can’t ignore.
Once I expose Jonathan and Gregory, I’ll be back in the spotlight, and everything will go back to what it was. Except this time, there’ll be a void where Kai used to be. How do we go back to being strangers when I’ve spent almost every morning being woken up by his texts, hearing him laugh from the passenger seat in his car, and having him all to myself when the stress gets too much?
Stella angles her head. Her tone softens at my hesitation. “Do you still want to go forward with this?”
“I have to.” I gulp. “If I don’t, I won’t be able to do anything. Either I get back to my duties at the HMG or suffer the consequences of trying to get out of them.”
Sophia’s scar glints in my mind and bàba’s warning comes creeping in.
