Page 92 of Lose to Win: Lost Trilogy: Part 3
Puck
I am lyingdown in bed next to Emily, once again unable to sleep. I thought I was past that, but the demons of my struggles are rearing their ugly heads once again.
A look at my phone shows me that it’s close to three o’clock in the morning. That sounds about right. I turn on my side to stare at Emily. She looks so peaceful in her sleep tonight. That hasn’t always been the case for the last month and a half. She has nightmares from what happened with Steve and Kenny.
She thinks I don’t know how bad the events of that day haunt her. But I know everything about stuff like that. Once the shit gets into your head, you’re a prisoner to your own mind.
I run a finger down her face, wishing I could help her more. I try, but I know it’s not enough, and that’s because I am dealing with my own nightmares.
My mother has been visiting me almost every time I managed to fall asleep. It was easy to do that at first. I felt so relieved when it happened, thinking that I was healed. But then, Elaine Adams started coming to me. She was always dressed in the same way as on the night when she died. But every time we got to the point where I thought she was going to shoot herself in the head, her lips would just tilt up into a sad smile.
“Hi, Lucas,” she would say right before dropping the bouquet of roses to the ground. My eyes would snap open, and sleep would elude me for the rest of the night.
With a sigh, I now get out of bed, trying to be as quiet as possible so I wouldn’t wake Emily up. I put a long sleeved t-shirt on which pair with some flannel pajama pants. I smile when I look at them. I laughed when Emily bought them for me, but then I realized how warm and comfortable they were in the chill of the Montana mornings.
I make it downstairs and walk straight to my desk in the office area we set up when me and Sully moved into this house. Seeing that we still share the house, me and my brother need to make some decisions soon. I doubt that Emily would like to live with him as our roommate like this forever.
I unlock the hidden drawer under my desk and pull out the stack of letters my mother wrote to me, the ones Shortie gave me in what feels like another lifetime.
Right next to them, there’s a baggie with pills in it. My fingers tremble when I pick it up, almost dropping it in my haste to open it. I take one of the white pills out and just stare at it. The feeling of peace I get when I take one of these things is unparalleled. It just shuts my mind right off, allowing me to sleep.
“Don’t do it, brother,” Sully’s voice sounds from right behind me, and I drop the pill.
“Fuck,” I mutter to myself right before falling to my knees to search for it.
“Fuck is right.” Sully sounds… disappointed. I guess I could deal better with angry. “What are you doing?”
“I…” I am about to lie to him. But then, I turn around to look at him and stop. “I still can’t sleep, Blake,” I admit with anguish lacing my voice.
Sully nods in understanding. He’s always had my back, from the moment we met all those years ago. The fact that he is my actual brother from my father’s side has been the best news I could’ve gotten. I don’t want to disappoint him, I realize with a start.
“Maybe that pill will help you in this moment,” he surprises me when he says that. “But for how long, Puck? When will it be enough? What will help you tomorrow night when you can’t sleep? What about the night after that?”
“I… I don’t know,” I admit. “I’m just tired.”
“When it catches up with you,” Sully continues as if I never said a word, “what will happen to Emily and the baby? Are you okay with leaving them alone here? Are you okay with Emily possibly turning into your mother? Coping with your death by drinking and medicating herself to death? Neglecting her son?”
Everything that he says hits home in a big way. What am I doing? I promised Blake before that I wouldn’t do this anymore. I also promised Emily’s father that I wouldn’t do it. Yet here I am. It’s three o’clock in the morning, and I am standing in my living room with a baggy full of pills, ready to medicate myself to sleep.
“Fuck!” I yell at the ceiling and drop the bag to the ground. My hands are shaking when I stick them in my hair. I am a mess.
Sully walks over to the couch and drops on it, leaving me alone by the desk, with my brain completely focused on the plastic bag on the floor. When I look down, I spot it right away, and I almost get dizzy with the need to guard it with my life.
“Taking the pills is easy, brother,” Sully speaks in his quiet way. “But at some point, if you are lucky to survive them, you are left with a choice. Who do you want to control your life? You? Or the dealers you’re buying them from?”
The lump in the back of my throat feels heavier than usual. I know he is right. I can only hope that I’d be just as wise if I was in the position to help someone who’s going through the same thing I am.
I look back toward the stairs that lead to Emily and the baby. For the first time in my life, I see a future for myself. A bright one at that. I want everything with her. I want this baby to have lots of siblings, and I want to be around to raise them all with her.
“Blake,” I call out to him, my voice sounding scratchy from all the emotion bubbling inside of me. “Can you help me?”
He takes his time walking toward where I am. When he is standing next to me, he watches me for the longest time.
“I will always be here to help you, Puck.”
I nod but can’t meet his eyes. I am ashamed that he once again had to have a talk with me about this.
“I need to get rid of all this,” I point at the pills at my feet. “I don’t want her to see them. Or know about me having them,” I add, desperation obvious in my voice.
