Page 94 of Change My Mind
“And then I found out she died while I was in the middle of a shift because my sister finally remembered I existed and called me to let me know with all the compassion of a rock. And I just kept on working through that shift. I carried on working in that kitchen until May. Every time I stepped foot in that kitchen, I was reminded of this incredibly shitty thing that happened. I should have left, but it was my kitchen, and I felt bad about leaving. And beyond that, working in kitchens is what cost me my family. I couldn’t leave it behind.
“But Mum dying changed me, and it changed my relationships. For the worse. They hadn’t experienced that kind of lossand didn’t know how to manage the way my grief ebbed and flowed. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to them what I wanted and needed. Everything just slowly started falling apart. And I went through the motions. For years, I went through the motions, and it was enough, I guess. Then I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with someone else on our sofa, and I needed out.
“So naturally, I applied for a job that brought me back to London. The city that raised me and also still houses my loving family. Because it’s healthy to leave a situation where you don’t feel like you’re loveable to go back to sharing a city with the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally.”
Jesse choked on a laugh. “So maybe it is rooted in trauma. What happened tonight? You seemed fine until you didn’t.”
I took a deep breath.
“Addie was the first girl I ever had a crush on, and she could not stand me. She wasn’t even mean about it; I could just tell that she didn’t like me because I challenged her. And fuck, was she fun to challenge for those two years. Once we got through our GCSEs, we parted ways, and I didn’t think about her all that much. Crushes come and go. It was what it was.
“I knew when I applied for the job that Darren Henry was the father of the girl who once hated me. I recognised him even though we only crossed paths a couple of times at parents’ evenings. So, I knew that it was highly likely I was going to see Addie again. That likelihood became a guarantee when Vivienne told me that the flatmate I had agreed to was none other than Addie.
“I knew immediately that the crush I once harboured for her was about to come back with a vengeance. And it did. She is infinitely smarter than she was when we were sixteen and fucking funny. All the hard edges she had as a teenager aresomehow both sharper and softer because she knows exactly who she is, and she’s not going to apologise for it. And unlike before, she doesn’t hate me. Lo and behold, she evenlikesme.”
Another laugh from Jesse. I huffed a laugh of my own.
“She likes me enough to have sex with me. And she made it clear that that was as far as she was letting it go. Under no circumstances was I supposed to fall in love with her. I don’t even know when I fell, but it happened against my will. And that’s on me because Addie even told me that we should date other people. Actually, she said that I should date other people because she said she didn’t date. Which would have hurt less if she didn’t then decide to go on a date withhim. It tapped into the idea that I am not good enough to stick around for. To choose.
“Maybe if I was being confronted with this reality at a time when I wasn’t making Victoria Sponges out of pure muscle memory, it wouldn’t have hurt so much that Addie didn’t choose me, but…here we are.”
I shoved the remaining cake in my mouth and blinked my eyes rapidly to stop the tears from falling.
“She didn’t choose him. Josh, that is.” I barked out a laugh. “I mean, she did, but it was only because Becky was doing what Becky does—meddling in the love lives of her friends. She said that Addie should give it a go, and I’m not going to pretend I know anything about her motivations behind agreeing to go on a date, but I am pretty sure that the two are linked. And it was a bust. Addie went over to Becky’s when it was done, and the rest of the girls were there, so Clara told me the headlines. The main one being that the date was shit and Addie was going to use it as proof for the rest of time as to why she doesn’t date.”
Words that should have made me feel elated felt like a slap in the face. “Wait, she went to Becky’s?”
Jesse nodded slowly. “Where did you think she was?”
“She said she wasn’t coming home and?—”
“You assumed that meant she was with Josh. Did you talk to her about it?” Jesse cut in.
I scoffed. “You know I didn’t.”
Jesse muttered something under his breath.
“What was that?” I asked pointedly.
“I called you both fucking idiots,” Jesse said louder. It forced a laugh out of me.
“You’re not wrong. But the damage has been done.” I shrugged.
Jesse pulled his keys out of his pocket as we approached his flat.
“What damage? Josh kissed her. It wasn’t reciprocated, and when I left, she was telling him in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t interested. Clo and Rachel are with Addie now, and given what Rachel knows, I imagine Addie might be having some sense talked into her. Because you two are clearly perfect for each other, and if you talked to each other about all this, you’d have the power to be a terrifyingly brilliant couple. But that is a tomorrow problem. For now, let’s go watch a film and snuggle.”
I smirked. “Snuggle?”
He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer to him. “Don’t act like you don’t need a hug. I have it on good authority that I am a good hugger.”
“Is the authority just your wife-to-be?”
“Yes. But when you take into account that Clo doesn’t hug anyone all that often, it’s quite a good authority.”
“Hmmmm, I’ll be the judge of that.”
Jesse unlocked his door and held it open for me.
