Page 50 of Change My Mind
“Maybe we should behave like them now and finally have this conversation,” I said, squirming in my seat.
“I agree.” His thumb pressed into the inside of my knee, and my breath stuttered in my chest.
My intention for this conversation had always been that we should just put that night behind us and move forward as friends. We said ‘just once’ and I thought that we should mean it.
In this moment, I knew that wasn’t possible.
But something else was.
“I think we were silly to think we could get away with having sex and it not changing things. But I also don’t think we should pretend that it never happened. In fact, I think we should do it on a more regular basis.”
I studied Eli’s face to see what his immediate reaction was. It was a potentially dumb suggestion.
But it was the only one I could think of. Then maybe, at some point, I’d find something that would end this stupid crush I had on my flatmate.
And if overexposure didn’t work, then the rules we put in place would. Because the first rule was thegolden rule.
Don’t fall in love.
I had never broken it.
Eli’s face didn’t give anything away. Even when he turned to look at me, his eyes looked neutral in the glow of the TV.
“So, like a friends with benefits thing?” he eventually asked, his thumb sweeping up and down my thigh.
I nodded slowly.
His thumb swept higher.
“Friends with benefits, it is. I guess we should set some ground rules within that framework?”
I nodded again. Relief and some other unnamed emotion swept through me at his agreement.
“No having sex with other people while we’re having sex with each other.” That one felt like a given, but still, best to make it explicit.
“Agreed. No having sex when driven by other feelings,” he provided.
I frowned. “Meaning?”
“Meaning we can’t use the other one to bury our emotions or use them as an outlet. For example, if I’m angry at something in the world, I can’t deal with that by having sex with you. Or if you’re upset, you can’t try to make yourself feel better by using me.”
That made sense. It was a good rule. I had used sex as a way to ignore whatever was going on with me way too many times in the past, and it never left me feeling better.
However, the rule worked in direct contrast to his physical behaviour. He knew I was wallowing, but his pinky finger was now teasing the hem of my shorts.
“Agreed. Where do we stand on condoms? I got tested when I came back home, and it was all clear. You are the only person I’ve had penetrative sex with since, but I can get fresh tests done. Otherwise, I am fine to go without if you are also comfortable withthat.”
Eli didn’t need to know that I had never had sex without a condom before. And I didn’t need to analyse why I felt safe enough to ditch them with him.
His fingers stilled, right on the edge of my underwear. “I assume you’re on birth control?”
“Yeah, my IUD was replaced the same day I got tested.”
“I need to get tested. My last one was six months ago, and we used condoms the other day, but there is no need to risk it. How about we say condoms for now and then reassess once we’ve both tested again?”
“Agreed. How about anal?”
Again, I wasn’t going to look into why Eli felt like a safe space to explore that.
