Page 70 of Electric Blue Love
“This is silly. We’re talking in hypotheticals and you haven’t even given him a chance.”
“And hypothetically if I told you the thought of him helping you makes me see red? That I’d do everything in my power to bring him down with a scandal of a drug baby he abandoned as a teenager just so he could go nowhere near you or your family? What then? Would you still want to be there for me? You said this is what a relationship was – being there for each other when it was messy – well, 8B, this is about as messy as it gets.”
“Is that what you want? A relationship with me?”
“I care about you. A lot. I want to be with you,” he said, but visibly stiffened. I believed in his feelings for me, but he’d said time and again, in so many different ways, that he wasn’t capable of committing.
“We can figure this out together. You don’t need him.”
“That’s not fair. You’re asking me to choose between what’s best for my mother and what’s best for you. You can’t ask me to make that kind of choice.”
“Life isn’t fair.”
He looked at me expectantly, waiting for my answer.
“It goes both ways. You have to be there for me, too. And if you can’t understand why I need him...”
“No, I don’t understand. You’re hiding behind your mother’s illness like it excuses you for hurting me. It doesn’t, and you are. There are other doctors.”
“That is not what I’m doing. God, how can you be so dense? My mother is sick. Maybe you don’t want family, friends, or people in your life, but I do. I hold on to mine tightly and I’ll do whatever I need to help my mom get a few more good years before she can’t live a normal life. No one that truly cared about me would ask me to make a choice that would hurt my family.”
I looked down at my feet and summoned all the courage I could as I imagined my mother and the carefree smile that used to play on her face. “If you can’t stand by me that’s on you, but it doesn’t change anything. I need him.”
He shook his head, eyes wild. “You’re choosing to need him.”
Exasperated, heart shattering in my chest, I exhaled a breath and stood straight, confident in what was necessary. “I guess it’s on you to decide what you want then. Talk to him, don’t talk to him. Be there for me or not… I can’t force you to be in this with me. I can’t make you…”
My voice trailed off. I couldn’t make him love me. I felt the current between us, but did he? Was I shuffling my feet and forcing a spark?
“I can’t make you want me as much as I want you.”
He growled like a wild beast and slammed a fist down on to the marble counter top. The dragons were back. I hadn’t slayed them. I hadn’t brought him light.
And the worst part is my own light had dimmed. I’d had a glimpse of how perfect things could be between us, and now it was gone.
Knowing we were at a stalemate, I slipped out of the ladies’ room wanting my mom and New York liked I’d never wanted either before. I wanted to hear her voice, see her smile, and wrap myself into her arms. I longed for her soothing pats while she comforted me humming softly under her breath. The best parts of sickness and heartbreak were the moments spent with my mom while she put my broken pieces back together.
Todd leaned against the wall just outside the ball room. He pushed off the wall and met me halfway, giving me a confused and worried glance. I gave him a brittle smile.
“He said to give this to you.” Todd handed me over his uncle’s business card with a grin. “He’s pretty great, huh?”
My smile and hands felt shaky.
“Thank you, Todd,” I said as I slipped it into my purse. “I’m actually not feeling very well. I think I’m gonna head home.”
“Bummer. Let me tell my dad and we’ll get out of here.”
“No, stay. It’s your dad’s fifth wedding reception. How often do those come around?” I joked as my heart broke a little more. “I’ll be fine.”
He put his hands in his pockets and smiled at me. “You’ll be okay?”
“I’ll be fine. Thank you for tonight. It was really decent of you.”
He shrugged as if it had been no big deal and I guess it wasn’t to him. I wondered if things had been different would I have been happy with him? Would he have ever really been happy with me? I couldn’t place my feelings anymore. How much of my attraction for Todd was tied to his connections and the desperation I felt to get my mother help? I wanted to think I was able to separate the two, but the guilt that nagged at me wasn’t so sure.
After Todd went back inside I marched around the entrance. I’d half convinced myself to go back inside and find Court, but a small part of me – mostly my pride – cowered. God, I didn’t know if I could stand to see the hurt in his eyes again, but I wanted him to know that I loved him. Maybe that was selfish because it probably didn’t matter at this point, but I wanted to tell him. I wanted to scream it because he was so deserving of love and I didn’t think he’d been told near enough.
Was he in there right now talking to his father? Maybe there was still a chance they’d talk, and everything would work out okay.
