Page 67 of Electric Blue Love
“What?” I finally asked and hated the way my voice cracked. Hated that I was still affected by the shit that happened to me before I was even born.
“I’m so sorry for what you went through, but are you sure you want to do this? You have a father that’s alive and he’s here. Can’t you give him the benefit of the doubt? There are a million reasons why he might have stayed away,” Bianca pleaded.
I’d waited patiently for this moment. The time I could look my father in the eyes and remind him that no matter how rich or successful he was, no matter how picture perfect his life looked from the outside, I would always be around as a permanent reminder of the shitty person he really was. He was good on paper, but a mother fucking failure in my eyes.
I scoffed. He wasn’t getting the benefit of anything from me.
“Please don’t try and talk me out of it. I care about you and your opinion means a lot to me, but I need to do this.”
“I agree.” She nodded. “You should connect with him if that’s what you want, but don’t walk in there guns blazing, talk to him – ask him the questions so you know. If you’re already assuming the worst, what can it hurt?”
Bianca scooted closer and took my hand. Warmth and contentment spread through me.
“Do you know why I majored in electrical engineering?”
I shrugged, thrown by the change of topic. I knew Bianca loved math and problem solving, but I guess I never thought about what led her to electrical engineering.
“When I was a kid we lived in this dumpy apartment in the lower east side. It was gross and just dirty,” she shuddered as if remembering the place. “Among its many charms was shotty wiring. Anyway, the maintenance guy was nice, and he didn’t mind too awfully much when I tagged along. He let me hold the flashlight and he talked to me as he fixed electrical issues in the building. Which by the way, turns out he knew very little – I guess that sorta explains why there was always a new issue. Anyway, the problem solving, and the intricacies of the wires were cool, but it was the excitement on people’s faces when we fixed the problem that I loved. No matter how many times the lights went off, when we flipped a switch on a blackened apartment and light flooded the darkened space, their faces literally lit up with the room.”
Her face was happy and free in remembrance.
“You brought them light,” I said more to myself than her. I did understand because it was exactly how she made me feel. Being around Bianca brought a lightness to my life. A blazing white heat to the darkness I carried with me.
“I know it’s incredibly cliché, but I believe that good overcomes evil. That when things seem impossible, there is a way to solve it if you just look at it from another angle. And that light will always return.”
“I don’t expect you to understand,” I muttered quietly. How could she possibly? Her with a loving family. She couldn’t fathom a world where people didn’t cherish and protect their children.
“I do,” she said and laced her fingers with mine. “I understand you. I see you and I see light.”
My face twisted with pain and resignation.
“Why are you telling me all of this now?”
Instead of answering her, I leaned forward to brush my lips against hers. I soaked up all of her. All the goodness and all the hope for the future. Maybe there would be another 8B down the line for me. She wouldn’t be as perfect, but I didn’t deserve perfection. Didn’t deserve her. Couldn’t she see that?
“Court,” she said when I pulled back.
I looked down at her beautiful face and tried to memorize every detail.
“I want to be there for you. Messy or not. This is what relationships are, letting people be there for you and being there for them. Not just in the good times, but in the bad too. I’m here. Right here,” she placed a hand on my chest. “I’m not going anywhere. Do what you need to do. I’ll be here. I want to be there when the light floods your face again.”
I wanted to laugh off the possibility that was true, but her tone was dead serious and so I let her words take purchase just a tiny bit. Was it possible she still wanted me? Why would anyone want any part of my fucked-up life? I wasn’t good for anyone. Never had been. Wasn’t the story I just told her evidence of that?
“Are you sureit’s okay I’m here?” I fidgeted with the neckline of my dress as Todd and I made our way up to the front of the hotel. I knew that this was important, but my heart and my mind weren’t in it.
“It’s fine, I promise. There’s no reason to be nervous.” He stopped and grabbed my hand, looking down at me with his smiling brown eyes. This was the Todd I had fallen for. The one that had made my stomach flutter and my heart race. Charming, sweet, reassuring. But my body was completely unaffected by him now.
I nodded, but the truth was I was less nervous about meeting Todd’s family than I was about Court – wherever he was. I’d been tempted to stay home until he called, but the logical side of me knew I needed to take this opportunity to meet Todd’s uncle. And it wasn’t like I could do anything pacing the floor of my apartment. Still, I clutched my handbag to my side and willed it to vibrate with a call or text from Court.
This afternoon had felt like him saying goodbye, but I wasn’t going to let him push me away so easily. I was prepared to show him that I would stand beside him through good and bad. He was important to me and I was confident that I was important to him too.
I pushed away the guilt about being out with Todd. I should have told Court, explained the entire situation while he was sharing his truths, but there hadn’t been a moment that felt right to bring it up. And I guess I was scared. Would he understand why I needed to be friends with Todd? Or that despite not wanting to be with him that I wanted to be his friend – even without his connections. Todd was someone that had been there for me when I’d needed someone to talk to and that meant something to me.
“It’s really just a party,” Todd said as we walked through the lobby to the ballroom. “This is his fifth wife and they already did a big wedding with reception. This is just an excuse to throw another big shindig.”
Sadness for Todd’s life, however perfectly-packaged, stung as I pictured what his life had been like growing up. His mother had died when he was young, and his father had been inserting new stepmothers into his life in rapid fire succession. That couldn’t have been easy.
“Come on, let’s get a drink before we say hello to my dad and new mommy dearest.”
