Page 41 of Electric Blue Love
I bolted for the bathroom, holding my breath until the door was closed and locked behind me.
Resting both hands on the sink, I looked at myself in the mirror.
“What the fuck?” I hissed at my reflection. “Chicken shit.”
I’d just had the best night that I could ever remember having with a woman. I’d let my guard down, just been myself and we’d connected. I’d felt it.She’dfelt it.
Pushing off the sink, I looked around the small but tidy space. It was too organized to be shared by two women, but it smelled like Bianca. A small, open makeup bag rested on the counter next to the sink and I hooked one finger inside to pull it open wider. It all looked like basic girly toiletries that could have belonged to any woman except for one item. The blue eyeliner.
I smiled as I picked it up and read the label – electric blue. Fitting. She’d zapped me into another dimension with those eyes of hers.
Replaying the night as I rolled the blue pencil-like tube in my hand, I almost felt like laughing if it weren’t so messed up. I’d wanted to ask her to be my plus one for the Sterling’s wedding reception. I’m not even sure why. I couldn’t get her involved in all that. And even if I were going as just a friendly client, she was twenty-two.
Twenty-two.
Christ, when I was her age, the idea of being a plus one with a thirty-four-year-old would have made me curl my lip. Even if the invite had been to the fucking moon.
I’d been just about to ask her and then she’d looked up at me with big, wanting eyes. Those blue irises the color at the bottom of a flame. Electric blue. I’d never think of them any other way now. They had disarmed me. I had no idea what I was doing with Bianca and it was starting to seriously mess with my head.
Inviting her into my life – on a freaking date - would have ended one of two ways.
Scenario one, awkward laughter from her followed by a quick cover up on my part. She’d do that nervous, strained laugh I heard from her so often and then I’d say something like “Just kidding, 8B. I just wanted to see how you respond when asked out on a date.” Yeah, I’d probably have turned it into a fucking teaching moment because wasn’t that what this still was?
Scenario two, she said yes way too excitedly and then by the time the reception rolled around she’d be dating Todd and I’d have to spend the evening pretending I wasn’t interested in being more than a mentor. Or worse, listening to her go on and on about the prick.
I groaned. I needed to get back out there and out the front door before I made a bigger ass of myself. I uncapped the blue eye makeup pencil and wrote her a note on the mirror. I smiled at my messy blue writing. Hopefully I’d redeem myself in the gesture. It didn’t feel like it could get worse.
I returned the eyeliner to the bag and gave myself a silent pep talk as I walked back to the living room where Bianca was busy cleaning up empty candy wrappers and dirty glasses.
“Guess I should get going. I’ve got an early flight out tomorrow.” I shoved my hands in my pockets but then thought better of it. “Here let me help.”
“Oh no, it’s not necessary. I’ve got it.”
She waved me off, but I stepped forward and reached for the glasses she had tucked between her arm and side.
“Thanks,” she said as I took them from her. Her eyes flitted up to meet mine and quickly away. I’d made her unsure and apprehensive and I fucking hated that.
After we’d tossed the trash and put the glasses in the dishwasher, Bianca walked me to the door. I hovered just outside of the doorway feeling like a coward. I had to give her something. I couldn’t leave here tonight without her knowing it had meant something to me.
I reached for her hand and clasped our fingers together. Her breath hitched, but she didn’t make a move toward me. Our hands bridged the gap that neither of us was brave enough to cross on our own.
Fuck it.
I pulled her to me and leaned down so that my lips were at her ear. She went still as I sang the opening toGlycerine. I was no Gavin, but as she turned her head to meet my gaze it didn’t matter. Fuck, Rossdale. He didn’t have her. And the look she gave me told me I did.
I stepped back before I did anything stupid like push her into the apartment with me on top of her.
Without looking back, I called out into the night like I was a rockstar dropping the mic and rushing off stage. “Sweet dreams, 8B.”
After I returnedto New York, Bianca and I continued talking every day. Most days we texted all day long. I woke up to good morning and have a good day greetings. She filled me in on her days – how class went, what she had for lunch – it sounded lame, I know, but I loved every second of it. I couldn’t wait to see what she’d type next. She didn’t mention Todd outright anymore and I certainly didn’t ask or try and keep up the rouse that my interest was purely in helping her win him over.
As I got to know Bianca more and she talked more of her family and friends, I realized how big her circle was. It stung when she talked about the happy memories of her childhood. I’d avoided friends or women with happy families. It wasn’t a conscious decision, at least not at first. At first it was by chance.
When you’re fifteen years old hanging on the streets past dark with no one checking in on you or yelling at you to get your ass home, it makes sense that your closest friends were going to be people in the same situation.
I’d once had a friend, Ray, who I’d really liked quite a bit. We had a lot in common – even the large chip that we carried around on our shoulders, but when Ray invited me over to play Xbox for the first time I’d arrived at his very upper class, Brady Bunch house, and realized the chip on his shoulder was fake. It was just something he was trying on for size, like playing a broody Heathcliff because it felt cool. After I’d wiped the drool off my face when I got a look at his very nice, very big house I thought surely his parents must be grade A assholes, but when I asked him about his family, he just shrugged a shoulder and said, “Eh, they’re alright just always getting on my case about trying harder in school.”
That was his biggest fucking problem? It was unbelievable and cruel, and I never went back.
