Page 62 of Electric Blue Love
Todd surprised me, though. And her.
“Nah, gonna hang with B.”
Her mouth dropped open and it was the best thing I’d seen all week. My spirits lifted, and I let Todd tug me away as I gave her a small wave with my free hand.
“It’s fine if you want to go play,” I said when he stopped and pulled me into a quiet corner near the edge of the yard.
“Nah, I just want to hang with you. I feel like we haven’t had a chance to talk lately.”
I wanted to laugh because I’d been trying to get his attention for years and now that I had it… it felt like too little too late. But I liked and respected Todd in spite of his fickle behavior.
“How was New York, the interview, tell me everything,” Todd relayed the questions in steady succession like he couldn’t wait to hear the answers to all of them.
“New York was great. The interview went well, they offered me a job.”
He gave me a playful frown, lifting his eyebrows and sticking out his bottom lip in a pout. “Aww, man does that mean you’re leaving me?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know yet. I haven’t decided. Part of me wants to go back to be closer to my family and help out more with my mom and the boys, but I just don’t know.”
“I get that. How is your mom?” he asked as he lifted the cup to his mouth.
“She’s getting worse,” I told him and let my shoulders sag. “I don’t know how much longer she’s going to be able to work.” A piece of the weight I’d been carrying around lifted as I said the words aloud. It felt good to tell someone that knew the history.
“Has she called my uncle yet?”
I shook my head. “No, she’s still carrying on like things aren’t changing. She’s not ready to accept it.”
“Are they coming for graduation?”
“Yeah, I think so.” Actually, I wasn’t sure they could afford it and I hadn’t asked them outright for that very reason, but I wasn’t about to admit that to Todd. He wouldn’t understand. Couldn’t possibly understand.
“So, let’s have lunch with both our families while they’re here. Maybe once your mom meets my uncle she’ll feel more comfortable. He’s amazing. I can’t wait for you to meet him.”
“Thank you,” I said, feeling shame for using his connections and gratitude that he was so generous with it.
Todd’s uncle was a neurologist who specialized in treating patients with Parkinson’s. I’d learned that about him freshman year, but it wasn’t until last year when my mother’s symptoms had become more pronounced – the situation seeming imminently dire - that I’d confided in him all my worries about my mom and family. It had been something real we’d shared, and I think it was what had bound us together. So much of college was fake – a life without a lot of rules or responsibilities. Parties on weeknights, days of doing absolutely nothing if that’s what you wanted, and relationships that sometimes only lasted a night. But when I’d opened up, we’d shared something that went beyond our small world here.
“Hey, I told you I’d help, and I will. I got you.” Todd lifted my chin and looked into my eyes.
I gave him a small smile and he grinned down at me. “What are you doing tomorrow night?”
“I’m not sure.”
“I have a family thing, my uncle will be there, come with me?”
“I – I’m sort of seeing someone.” It was a lie. A sort of lie. Iwantedto be seeing Court. It felt like we already were. Maybe that was just the fake relationship we’d created, but it didn’t feel fake anymore.
He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and nodded solemnly. “I see.”
Was the disappointment on his face real? I’d never been completely sure of Todd’s feelings. Sometimes he acted like we were more than friends, sometimes not. He was so lackadaisical about the whole thing leaving me to second-guess him at every turn. He was lukewarm, and I wanted passion. I wanted the person I was with to love me in a way that left no doubt. Electric. Passionate. The way that Court made me feel, probably without even trying. It struck me then – maybe it had never been Todd’s feelings that were the problem, but my own.
“I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner, but it just happened. It’s new.”
“I get it,” he said. “Guess I drug my feet a little too long, huh?”
I smiled up at him, but I didn’t respond. For better or worse, my whatever-relationship with Todd was what brought me to Court. And the idea that I might not have met Court if Todd hadn’t been so back and forth filled me with sadness. It had been worth it.
“I’ll understand if you don’t want to introduce my –”
