Page 30 of Electric Blue Love
I leaned back in my chair and I felt the weirdness of the night lift away. I liked that he called me out – challenged me. It was the reason I’d trusted him from the beginning. He didn’t put on airs.
“Okay, fine. Things are too uncertain right now and it’s making me feel unsure of everything. I have interviews lined up for jobs that I’m not even sure I want. All of this is coming to an end and I can’t seem to figure out what’s next.”
He nodded. “You don’t have a plan and you’re freaked out.”
“More like I’m afraid to make a plan. It feels like whatever decision I make sets off a string of events that is going to impact everything and how in the hell am I supposed to know what’s the right decision?”
“Wanna know a secret?” He leaned in and the soft material of his shirt rubbed against my arm.
“Yes,” I whispered, voice wavering.
He moved away, and his eyes fell to his beer. “None of it matters. What degree you get, what job you take – none of that is going to make or break your future. It just changes your location.”
“And the people,” I added.
He studied me for a moment and then his mouth pulled up in a knowing smile. “This is about Tonto.”
“His name is Todd.”
“And if you were basing the decision solely on him what would you do?”
“That’s not what I’m doing,” I insisted.
“Alright, but let’s pretend you were. What’s the best scenario for you and what’s his face?”
I blew out a deep breath. “He’s staying here for medical school so staying another couple years to get a master’s means we’d be in the same city. It would buy me some more time to give him, give us, a chance to get to know each other and see if we have a future.”
“You need to buy time to figure out if you want to be with the guy?”
“You’re putting words in my mouth.” I shook my head. “I already told you that’s not what I’m doing. I’m basing my future plans solely on me and what’s best for me.”
And yes, for what was best for my family, but I wasn’t about to drop my sad story on Court.
“If I did stay, though, it would make it more likely that Todd and I could be together. Is that so wrong?”
“No. No, 8B, that’s not wrong at all. He’s a lucky guy.”
Hating Todd hadbecome the only emotion I was certain of anymore. When I was eleven, one particularly empathetic family (at least until I’d caused so much trouble they couldn’t handle me) had demanded I go to counseling. It had only taken three sessions for everyone, therapist included, to deduct that therapy wasn’t going to work until I was willing to cooperate. Still, I had been listening to most of her garbage and right now I could practically hear her saying, “Identify your feelings. How does it make you feel that your parents abandoned you?”
“It fucking sucks,” had been my response, as if there were any other way to feel about something like that.
But I was as crystal clear on my feelings for Todd as I had been about being abandoned. True, I hadn’t met the guy and to hear it from Bianca, he was a good guy with a bright future ahead of him, still I hated that it had taken my interference for him to finally see how amazing she was. He should have seen it earlier and he absolutely shouldn’t be letting her even consider sticking around for another year or two to get a master’s degree. It was a bullshit excuse, no matter how she was trying to play it off to herself. She lit up when she talked about New York.
“Tell me about the companies you’re interviewing with,” I said before she could tell me more about her possible future with Todd.
“Qualcomm, Analog Devices, and a new company in New York that just won a big government contract.”
“And that’s the one you want? The one in New York?”
She nodded, narrowing her eyes a bit as if to decipher how I’d guessed her thoughts.
“It’s the only one you said anything about other than the name.”
“You wouldn’t have known the company by name like the others.”
“Maybe, but I don’t know much about the other two either.”
She shrugged, and I decided to give her a pass on telling me more about the New York job – for now.
