Page 66 of To Professor, with Love
My ears rang with a hollow pain I couldn’t even brace myself against.But he’d gotten some girlpregnant?I couldn’t...this was just...
No.
“Just save it, okay,” he growled savagely into the phone.“You can apologize until the cows come home, but that’s not going to change the fact there’s going to be a...Jesus, how are we going to afford a kid?Holy fuck.”
He jerked his hand over the back of his head, his fingers shaking.“Stop.Stop crying right now.You got yourself into this one.And now we’re both going to pay.Fuck.I can’t...I just can’t...”He let out a world-weary sigh and messaged his temples as he bowed his head.“I can’t talk about this right now.I have to get to class.No...no...Damn it,no!I’ll call you later.”
He hung up and shoved his phone into his pocket.Glancing to his right as if to make sure no one had overheard him, he didn’t bother looking left, or he’d have seen me not moving, staring right at him with my heart shattering to pieces in my eyes.
The pain of knowing he’d impregnated someone else splintered until a fresh anger rose.He’d been nothing but rude to that poor girl.She’d been crying and apologizing, and probably scared out of her mind, and he’d yelled at her, scolded her, made her feel like shit.
What a total douchebag.
My disappointment rose up my throat.I couldn’t believe I’d been falling for this man, thinking he was noble and good.
Curling my hands into fists, I wanted to hit him, and make him hurt the same way I hurt.Hell, the same way hissweethearthurt.
But for now, I had to get to class too.
After marching the rest of the way to my room, I set my briefcase on my desk hard enough to make a student in the front row who was lying her head on her desk to jump and sit up.Crap, I needed to cool myself down before I did something stupid.
Easier said than done because Noel walked into the room a second later, igniting every pissed off nerve in my system.I glanced at him, and he met my gaze.He looked very solemn and grave, and I wondered if he was going to confess everything to me.But then his lips twitched as if he was trying to force them to smile for my benefit but couldn’t quite get the job done.All the while, his eyes remained hooded and troubled.
As he passed, he flipped a folded slip of paper my way.It landed perfectly in my closed briefcase.He didn’t even slow his pace as he kept going, finding a spot in the back of the room.
Thinking he was going to ask me to meet him somewhere so he could tell me what had just happened, I reached for the note with unsteady hands and unfolded it.But it was just another quote for my board.And a cheerful, happy quote at that.
“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”- Phyllis Diller
I frowned,the straight line of my lips showing that everything was indeed not straight.
How dare he?After what he’d just done to that other girl, after what he’d just found out...how fucking dare he tryanythingwith me?Awful, no good, rotten, cheating bastard.
Opening my case, I slid out my pile of notes.Blood seethed through my veins as I shuffled through them without a clue as to what I was actually looking at.Then, calmly, I stood in front of the room, my hands curling around the notes as I watched seat after seat fill until it looked as if everyone was present.
Noel sat low in his chair, his eyes closed, and his face in his hands as he rested his elbows on the desk.It was more than obvious news of his fatherhood was bothering him.Well, I decided that clearly wasn’t enough for him to worry about.
Cramming my notes back into my case, I clicked it shut and rested my hands on top.
“In Nathaniel Hawthorne’s work,The Scarlet Letter,” I started, with my chin high, “the protagonist, Hester Prynne, has to wear a red letter A on her clothes to show everyone she committed adultery and had a child out of wedlock.She became an outcast for the rest of her life.While herlover, who committed the very same act, got off scot-free because she refused to name him.But even though he lived out a life of good reputation, he ended up driving himself insane and dying from the guilt.Mr.Gamble.”I lifted my voice and shot him a hard stare.“Which do you think is worse?”
His jerked his head up from where he obviously hadn’t been paying attention to anything I’d just said.Eyes ravaged with torment, he croaked, “What?”Then he glanced around and turned back to me.“I’m sorry, what?”
“The Scarlet Letter,” I reminded him.“Nathaniel Hawthorne.The woman sleeps with her minister and gets pregnant.She’s publicly scorned forthreehours, then thrown in jail, and then forced to wear the letter A to show her shame to everyone for the rest of her life.Or her lover.The local minister she refused to indict.He comes away with a clean reputation but can’t handle all the guilt.So...which character do you think had it worse?Would you rather everyone know what you did and hate you for it, but end up with a fairly clean conscious?Or would you prefer to hide it and let it fester, where you always worried about it coming to light, and were always ashamed to know someone else paid for the very crimeyoucommitted?”
His face lost all color as his mouth fell open.But he had nothing to say.He stared at me hard for a good twenty seconds, and torment filled his eyes, before he blinked rapidly and shook his head.“I...I thought we were starting on Tennessee Williams today.”
Around us, the class tittered, and my face filled with red, hot shame.
Dear God.What the hell was I doing?This had to be the most unprofessional, immature thing I’d ever attempted.If I was upset with Noel for something, trying to take it out on him in the classroom was the worst thing I could possibly do.Feeling sick to my stomach with my own shame, I glanced away and brought the back of my hand to my mouth as I tried to pull my dignity back in around me.
It didn’t work.Drawing in a deep breath, I lifted my face, trying not to bawl.“Very good, Mr.Gamble,” I said, my voice raspy with emotion.I nodded once.“I guess you were paying attention after all.”
Though everyone else let out an amused chuckle, Noel just kept staring at me as if I’d betrayed him.
Still too rattled to continue class, I fluttered out my hand.“I still expect you all to haveThe Glass Menageriefinished by the end of next week.So today, I’m giving you the rest of the hour to find a nice quiet corner to read.We’ll continue our classroom discussions on Thursday.”
For a beat, no one moved as if they thought I was teasing them.I wasn’t one of those teachers who let class out early, but today, there was no way I could stand up here the entire hour.
