Page 16 of Behind the Cascades
My biceps and lats have been burning for the last forty-five chin-ups, but I've been pushing through. I need the physical pain to take away the emotional pain. I've done a good job shutting out the world back home, but today is different. Today is Charlie's birthday. I haven't spoken to her in over a month—not since I surprised her and we walked into her apartment only to find it covered in flowers.
I don't think I'll ever get over the betrayal I felt seeing some guy in her bed, waiting for her. His stunned face still haunts me. She must not have mentioned that she had a boyfriend to him. Just like she didn’t mention that she had a side piece to me. Hell, maybe I was the side piece.
The crunching sound of his nose giving out didn't give me as much gratification as I was hoping it would. Looking back, I should've gone for more. Especially considering somehow in the scuffle my dad’s tin box fell out of my pocket. My past and futurevanished in the span of forty-five seconds. Right now, I’m not sure which one I’m more pissed off about losing.
Up, down, up, down. My movements are getting slower but I haven’t stopped yet.
All that I can think about is that Charlie fucking broke me. Me. The guy who should be invincible. Broken by a woman who I trusted more than anyone in the world.
I don't know how she could lie behind my back and then directly to my face, but the proof was right there. In her bed.
I left for my third deployment only a handful of days later, and I've done everything I can to push her to the back of my mind. I eat, work, workout, and sleep. I blocked her on everything when I got to the airport that evening. I didn't even go to see my mom; I knew she would only make excuses, and I couldn't listen. If Drew hadn’t been in our condo when I got back, I probably wouldn’t have told him. He dragged it out of me, though, so I told him the basics. She was cheating on me, and I flew home. After that, I shut down completely. I don’t want to see, hear, or talk about Charlie.
But that doesn’t stop me from missing her. I miss her more than I thought possible. Her laugh and phone calls, her uncanny ability to turn my shitty mood into a good one. All that sunshine she brought to my dark days.
"Carrington!" Lincoln, a guy on my team, walks out to the makeshift gym. He’s on the smaller side, a little nerdy, and smart as hell. "The fuck are you still doing? You want to be able to lift your arms tomorrow? You need to quit."
I grunt, but keep lifting myself up. I can handle a lot more than this.
Drew walks out behind him and when he sees me, he sighs. "It's my sister's birthday."
Lincoln nods. "Ahhh, letting the cheating ex get into your head."
I drop down from the bar, rage filling my body. "Don't fucking talk about her."
His grin back tells me he accomplished just what he wanted—me off the pull-up bar.
"Easy, Tiger. I'll drop it. Time to get your shit together. You can't be thinking about home here. It's a big one. A lot of moving parts. If your head is back there, you might as well be back there too."
"Is that a threat?" He isn't our team leader, but he has enough rank that he could easily get me pulled from here.
"For fuck’s sake." He throws his hands in the air and sits on the bench. "This isn't about you. I can't, in good conscience, allow you or anyone to jeopardize what we have going on. I'm not trying to threaten you, but I need you to understand the gravity of this shit. The only way we all get through this tour unscathed is if everyone is fully committed."
"I'm working out. Not crying in my fucking bunk. Mind your business." I walk out of the makeshift gym and toward the shower. A hazy rage lingers over me as I stew over the bullshit he was spewing.
For the first time since I’ve been here, I let myself think about Charlie and now everyone is on my case, like they have nothing better to do. Which I guess, they don’t. Today, everything is quiet. Too fucking quiet. Everyone is getting antsy to do something—to do whatever the hell we came here to do. Sitting on our asses all day and twiddling our thumbs ain’t it.
After I’ve cooled down a bit, I realize he’s not wrong. I let myself dive back into my feelings and lost my focus, even for the brief amount of time it was. Things go from calm sea to shitstorm in a matter of minutes here; I can’t lose sight ofthat. I thought our last deployment felt dangerous; this one has ten times the pressure. One slip-up, and the entire world is on our ass or we are dead. Possibly both.
I can think about Charlie when I’m stateside.
Figure out where we went wrong.
Why I wasn’t enough.
How I go about life without her.
Chapter Twelve
Charlie
Monday, May 29.
"Bye, Ava!" I called out as I waved goodbye. We worked our butts off today, but it felt good.
Today was the best day I've had in weeks, and I don't have an exact reason. Maybe it's that I'm finally a college graduate or that I'm starting to feel like I have a purpose. Maybe it's that my 21st birthday was a few days ago and I'm still excited for the milestone and the bottle of wine I just picked up. Either way, I'm grateful for the positive uptick in emotions.
I turn the volume up on my drive home, blaring 'I'm an Albatroz' by AronChupa and Little Sis Nora. It’s silly. It’s fun. It’s got a good enough beat that I won't cry into my Ben and Jerry’s when I get home. Most importantly, though, it doesn’t remind me of Hayes.
