Page 97 of Roleplay at Randy's
“Are you sure you want this?” he asks as he shifts to a slow, deep pace. “The last thing I need isanotheraccidental pregnancy.”
It’s that crooked smile, his stilted attempt at humor towade through the heavy clouds crowding over us, that seals my heartache.
This is what was missing. Between Riley and I. We couldn’t joke about the hard shit. We couldn’t say something outlandish and justknowthe other person would get it.
I fucking laugh. A full belly—likely heard across the house—laugh. Elias makes a face. It’s a mix between his own laughter and a reflection of how badly he needs to come.
I grab his face and pull him down to me. I’m crying again; I can’t seem to make myself stop. My chest fucking hurts, and I’m so broken inside that breathing feels like there’s a thousand puncture wounds in my lungs. But there’s also a layer of bittersweet happiness.
Because Elias Lee is in love with me.
His movements stutter, he angles himself deep inside me, and he takes my mouth in a punishing kiss as his cock pulses with his release.
Warmth spreads from the inside out, and my chest feels like it might collapse. Still, I hold him and kiss him until I can’t stand it anymore, until I have to break away and bury my face in his shoulder.
He touches me like I’m precious, kisses my skin like he’s memorizing the taste, and whispers the same reassurance in my ear until my tears run dry and sleep settles in.
“I love you, Matty. I’m sorry.”
From an early age,I was on display for whoever wanted to watch. My entire childhood was spent on a competition dance stage, and my mother demanded perfection. Blisters, bruises, and various injuries were all a part of the game, and that alone should have made me hate it.
But dance was the one thing in the world that made me feel like … me. I didn’t have the words for how I felt then; there was just this sense of not belonging in my skin. Dance was the only way I could express those feelings. It was an outlet that kept me from drowning.
After the accident, when my entire world felt dampened and dull, I couldn’t connect to the music, and it felt like I was dying from the inside.
Riley refused to let me wallow. He dragged me out of bed, turned the stereo up so loud the other tenants of the apartment complex complained, and he made me move. Whether he was goading me or moving with me; Riley refused to let me rot.
It’s thanks to those memories that when I wake up bursting from the pain and yearning and overabundance of need thrumming through me, I know the only way to save myself is to let it out. I’m quiet as I dress, as I throw my phone and wireless speaker into my hoodie pocket, and slip out the door without a word to anyone.
The park between the house and Elias’ job is wet from early morning dew, and while the sky has started turning a light shade of blue mixed with hues of orange and pink, the sun is a ways off from being seen through the foliage. There’s the occasional jogger out for a run, maybe a dog walker or two, but the place is still fairly deserted.
There isn’t a shy bone in my body when it comes to dance, so as soon as I have my phone connected to the speaker and a few songs cued up, I lose the hoodie, close my eyes, and let all of the chaos burning inside me out.
Why does Elias have to be so reasonable? Kind and thoughtful, putting everyone else’s needs before his own. I was ready totry, dammit. No matter how hard I knew it was going to be. Yet here he is saying the hard shit outloud, making the smart decision and not the passionate one.
I want to be a part of their lives. I’m scared, more scared than I’ve been of anything before in my life. More than coming out to my parents. More than that first night on the streets. More than when Riley and I got together. More than when we broke up. More than the accident.
More thananything.It scares me how much I want this. How much I want him.
But I will be damned if I let his fear and mine beat us out.
He’s afraid I’m not ready; Maybe I’m not.
He’s afraid that him and Cal need more from me than I can give them; Maybe they do.
It hurts that he’s right, but being right isn’t enough of a reason to throw the fight.
My resolve isn’t swayed by one bad night. No matter how awful I feel. No matter the shit I have to work through. I’ll work through it.
Because I love the two of them with everything I am.
Elias isn’t going to believe me with words. The way I shut down tonight … that put the nail in the coffin for him. I could feel it in the way he looked at me, in the way he moved inside me as if this were final. As if because he thinks I can’t handle it, that I’ll walk away on his word.
Tough shit, Elias Lee, because I stopped taking orders from people who ‘just want the best for me’ when they told me to live my life in the closet.
Elias is in love with me.
Which means if I’m persistent enough, if I can prove that I can be what he and Cal need, he’ll let me back in. Because Elias and I are so weak for each other. We can’t stay away. We don’t want to.
