Page 63 of Under The Twilight Rainfall
I don’t know who I am without an endless, weaving path in front of me. I don’t know who I am with a heart so full of someone else that my own pain seems less.
Whoever it is, I’ll be that for him. For the man who kisses me and calls me his. For the man who, even as he’s faced with the heartache he’s been dealt, still holds my hand and keeps me close. Who still leans on me for comfort and calls me his home.
I don’t know how long I can keep it up, but for tonight, I can stay. For Valen, I can try.
Attendingafuneralwasn’tin my plans this summer. But Pop-Pop was a strong-willed man, and when he was ready to go, he was ready to go.
Dex never left my side for any of it. If his arms weren’t around me then he was busying himself with other tasks that I’m certain he’s never voluntarily done. Be it taking Theo off everyone’s hands so we could have our final moments with Pop-Pop or shooing Ma and Lola out of the kitchen (bold move, Dex) so he could clean up. I’ve never seen him go full on Mama Hen like he has, and it’s been... fucking relieving.
The night after we got the news, Dex had climbed under the blanket before I could even get fully settled, and he had covered my mouth with his and just kissed me. Senselessly. Aimlessly. It wasn’t hot and heavy or leading to anything more, just Dex being there—opening himself up to me and letting me take what I needed. The next few nights were the same: kissing and lazy touching, Dex pulling worried words from my tongue until I was in tears and he kissed those away too.
When I was feeling up for it, he even slid under the blanket and gave me the best blowjob of my life. Let me just say, if anything is going to break through the melancholy cloud looming overhead, it’s Dex with spit and cum dripping from his face and over his stubble.
Pop-Pop passed barely two days after the hospital visit. He declined any and all dialysis treatments, and on the second day his heart just couldn’t handle the strain on his body anymore.
Dex kept me afloat. Kept me present, moving forward, when all I wanted to do was sink down and drown.
The wake was the hardest part. Lola is traditional, so it was days upon days of friends and extended family coming to pay their respects. I barely slept with the casket taking up the space near the stairs across from where Dex and I usually sleep. One morning I actually woke up on the bathroom floor with my head in Dex’s lap as he dozed seated against the wall.
Grateful doesn’t even begin to describe the way I feel towards the man it felt impossible to fall more in love with. But here we are.
It’s well past when Dex’s flight was scheduled to leave, and I don’t know what his plans are, but I’m afraid to ask and lose the only thread keeping me together.
It doesn’t help that I’ve been so fucking desperate for him that I can’t keep my hands to myself for more than a few minutes. If we’re alone then I need him.
Which is why he currently has me pressed up against the wall, hidden from view at the end of the hall, with both my hands pinned to the spot above my head in one of his, kissing me breathless and nipping at my lips anytime I try to speak. He keeps a hand on my chest so that our bodies don’t touch anywhere else, no matter how much I beg for more contact.
“Baby,” he moans into my mouth when I hitch my hips up enough to rub our groins together. “Stop that.”
I whine and tug at my arms to get free, but Dex only digs in deeper and it makes my dick harder.
“Touch me.”
“Val,” he growls my name and tips my head back to devour me some more, then pulls back with a sharp bite to my bottom lip that draws blood. “Theo has almost caught us with our dicks out twice. Fucking calm down. I’m not going anywhere. Let’s get through this wake, then you can fuck me six ways to Sunday for all I care. Tie me to your bed and have your way with me.”
“Can’t I do that now?” I chase his mouth and he bites his nails into my wrists.
“We are not having sex in the house your grandpa is being mourned in. If you need to get off, I’ll get you there, but for fuck’s sake, Valen, I’m not letting you fuck me to escape your grief.”
I finally stop fighting him, finally let my arms go slack in his hold and rest my head back against the wall. Dex uses my compliance to twine his fingers with mine and sigh heavily into my hair. “Goddamn, Valen.”
I know I’ve been a lot. I know he’s been doing so much for me I wonder why he hasn’t jumped ship already. I’m not the one who needs help; it’s not who I am. But it feels like part of me is trapped in that casket with no way out.
“Come somewhere with me,” he says. “Anna can watch the house for a bit. We need to clear your head.”
But the second we step outside, it’s like the numb composure I’ve held up crumbles, like there’s a thread in my chest that snaps, is forcibly cut free, and all the horror from the last week comes raining down on me. Dex crouches with me at the edge of the house, letting me use his shoulder as a place to scream and cry and curse the world.
Lola is sad, but her faith gives her hope, keeps her light alive as a small flame. Ma is close to the same, even if I’ve heard her crying at night on my sleepless excursions through the house. I hear Pa talking to the old man sometimes. In Pop-Pop’s room, to himself, to the casket.
I don’t know what I believe. About the afterlife. About death. I don’t know how I feel about someone I love being here one day and gone the next.
That’s a lie. I hate it.
I hate losing the people I love. I hate watching them hurt. But most of all, I hate feeling powerless.
“Valen. Baby. Love. Breathe.”
Love.God, I love Dex so much. And I meant it when I said I would be okay if he never said it back, but instances like this make me wish he would.
