Page 34 of Under The Twilight Rainfall
I know Lola can take care of Pop-Pop; I know she’ll gladly do it until the day they both take their last breaths. But she shouldn’t have to do it alone.
“He’ll get better soon,” she says, but even I can tell it’s just a mantra she’s been telling herself. Pop-Pop’s heart is only getting weaker, and every dialysis treatment is harder and harder on him.
“I’m going to stay.” I don’t give her the choice to say ‘no.’ They need me. Even if it isn’t the help, they need the support. And if this is my last chance to spend time with Pop-Pop before he’s gone?
I can’t leave.
“What about your man?” Lola motions to the door.
I don’t even glance that way. Dex is important to me in a way no one else has ever been. But let’s be honest, there isn’t a hope in the world he’d ever make a home with me.
“He’s never been mine.”
Thatdoesn’tmeanIdon’t eat up each affectionate touch he offers me.
I savor every single one, knowing that soon I won’t get to feel the rough pad of his thumb as he strokes along my wrist or the press of his hard chest on my back as he leans over me to see what I’m making out of Theo’s spare scraps of paper—the kid turns his coloring books into confetti parties more than actually coloring in them.
It’s a little cooler tonight, so I drag Dex out the door as the sun is starting to set, twilight twinkling overhead, to maybe capture a few more blissful moments before he inevitably decides today was a fluke.
It’s still muggy out, so Dex has to twist his hair up into a bun, and I can see him eyeing my loose tank like he wishes he had chosen lighter clothing. Mine might fit him a little tighter, but I think I’d like to see him in them.
The backs of our hands brush in the silence of the evening; kids are wandering the street but they pay us no mind. I don’t know what I’m expecting from this. Soak up Dex’s presence before he leaves and I never see him again?
I could visit whenever he’s home. I could still be in his life in some capacity.
But even I know how badly that would hurt. I’ve only managed watching him from afar because there’s been no temptation to resist. I didn’t have to hold myself back from reaching for him, from wanting him in my arms, in my bed.
I want him to be happy. I just wish it could be with me.
“You’re thinking hard.” Dex breaks the silence, nudging my shoulder, and a smile works its way out when he wraps his hand around mine. “Wanna talk about it?”
Tilting my head back to look at the clouds floating through the pink-tinged sky, I give his hand a gentle squeeze.
“What changed?”
“What do you mean?”
I tug us to a stop, stepping slightly away from the dirt road we’ve been walking.
“Between last night and today? You’ve acted like you hated every time I touched you until now. Last night you told me... What’s happening, Dex?”
Because I need him to convince my heart this is only a temporary truce.
He looks at the ground, worrying his lip between his teeth, but his grip on my hand never wavers.
“I like it,” he mutters with a frustrated breath. “The touches. How easygoing it is to just... give in. Being with you is easy. Being with everyone here... it makes me happy.”
Dex looks almost like a kid—scared and seeking reassurance—when he glances at me.Happy, he said. We make him happy.
Then why didn’t you stay?
“Do you want me to stop?” he asks, and his fingers twitch against mine.
“No.” I tighten my grip. “I want you to stay.”
My eyes widen, the words coming out unbidden, but still a truth as they pass my lips. I’d give anything for Dex to stay.
Dex sighs and this time he does pull away, stuffing both hands in his shorts pockets and closing his eyes. He tips his head back, mouth in a hard line.
