Page 61 of The Unhinged Christmas of a Cat Lady
“No.” I wince. “Porn.”
There’s a pause. Then Lizzie cackles. “Oh no. What kind?”
I stare into my mulled wine like it might save me. “Bear and twink.”
Fi squeals. “No!”
“I panicked! It was just the voices I needed, not the visuals—”
“Bear and twink?” Bri interrupts, delighted. “Is that like a wildlife documentary or—?”
“No! Gay porn. Hairy men. Squeaky bottoms. One of them growls. It's... hot.”
Everyone dissolves into laughter. Except me. I am vibrating with humiliation—and not in the fun way.
“But the worst part?” I mutter, because I’ve officially lost the will to self-censor. “Jasper walked in.”
Silence.
“No.” Lizzie stares at me. “No.”
“Hewhat?” Amelia chokes.
“Doorbell went mid-lawnmower. I panicked. Hid the vibrator under a cushion. Paused the video. Opened the door. There he was—toolbox, tight T-shirt, he looked like a model…”
“Oh no,” Bri gasps. “The porn was still up, wasn’t it?”
“Well, not at first. I had paused it and strategically positioned myself in front of the screen.”
“But?” Amelia grins.
“Unpaused by Thor. Bloody cat walked across the laptop.” I still want to die at the thought of it.
Fi is crying. “That’s the best thing I’ve ever heard.”
“I nearly died. There was dialogue. Graphic dialogue. And Jasper just... stood there. Holding Twinklesocks. Looking like he was trying to shield her eyes.”
Lizzie wipes her face. “I’d give anything to have seen that.”
“I gave him a lecture on the sociology of porn,” I say miserably. “And waved the vibrator at him. Like a wand of shame.”
“Please tell me he ran,” Amelia says, weakly.
I hesitate.
Bri narrows her eyes. “Oh my God. He stayed?”
“Even asked why it wasn’t working,” I mutter. “And then I told him I haven’t had sex since… well, too long.”
Fi fans herself. “Did he judge you?”
“No.”
“Did he smirk?”
“No.”
“Did he adjust himself on the way out?” Lizzie asks casually.
