Page 92 of Queen of the Night
Tatania stares into the fire, absorbed in her own thoughts just as I am in mine, until I break the silence. “One time, I watched a performer from a traveling caravan use shadows to trick the crowd into seeing things they weren’t. It was eerily similar to gloam, and he was chased out of town. What Renton did—it was one hundred times worse. It wasreal. He uses gloam in ways I never knew possible, and it’s terrifying.”
“Yes, I’ve seen it myself,” she agrees quietly.
I admit that as much as I fear the way he uses gloam, I hate that there’s part of me that understands Renton’s desire to take back what he believes is rightfully his. Wouldn’t I feel the same if I were banished? It makes me wonder if perhaps I’m a little evil, too. But that guilt is assuaged when I remember that even though what he wants to give me is tempting, my magic, my soul, and my heart reject it. My mother used to tell me that being tempted doesn’t make you who you are; it’s the choices we make—I hold the reminder closer than ever.
Tatania picks up the charcoal again and begins working ona drawing I can’t fully see. The light scratches fill the silence, but I know she still listens.
“He wants me to be his queen, Tatania. Can you believe that?” I laugh somewhat sharply, and she chuckles, which I try not to be offended by. I’ll be the last to argue that imagining me as a queen is, indeed, laughable. She doesn’t meet my eyes, though, keeping hers trained on the parchment beneath her hand.
I continue sharing my thoughts, trying to make sense of it all. “I have to believe I’m choosing right by rejecting Renton’s offer. The tour today was all my worst nightmares brought to life. All I could imagine was our people fighting these beasts and dying. Over and over again.”
“Admittedly…” she finally speaks, pausing with the charcoal held loosely in her hand, but still not meeting my eyes. “I have also struggled with thoughts like yours.”
Tatania?She’s always so sure of herself, so matter-of-fact. It’s difficult to imagine her struggling overanything.
She looks up, as if to gauge my reaction. “I hear Renton killed the king, which means it’s only a matter of time until he takes power. I’ve heard whispers he plans to leave here in just days.”
Those words feel like a fresh stab in my heart, a reminder that attempts to send me back into the spiral of numb sorrow. It would be so easy to allow it to engulf me in its painless fog. I feel myself beginning to slip.Ikar truly died.Renton said the same, didn’t he? Wouldn’t he know?
Rupi quits pecking at the berry and stares up at me, head tilted with concern.
“You must escape,” Tatania says with finality.
I look up, the numbness temporarily halted at the edges of my mind. “Escape?”
“If he doesn’t have you, it will delay him. I’m not sure if it will help much, but we must try.”
I nod slowly. “The king… he truly died?”
“I’m sure Renton wouldn’t have left him alive,” Tatania says sensibly.
I forgive her for not knowing how her response pains me. It’s not her fault she doesn’t know all my secrets. But I know she’s right. The voices of hope within me extinguish so suddenly I stop breathing… and with the last of my hope gone that Ikar survived…
“It doesn’t matter anymore,” I say flatly. My eyes burn as another round of grief attempts to drown me, but I don’t want to fall apart in front of Tatania, so I force a lid on the emotion in my mind that attempts to boil over.
“Itdoesmatter,” she nearly shouts, and I jump, startled.
Tatania is a reserved lady—I’ve never heard her raise her voice beyond quieting the Tulips before beginning our annual meetings. I stare at her, wide-eyed. She calms herself with a breath before she continues.
“Forgive me, I simply can’t watch you bridge with…” She drifts off and swallows while she composes herself, and when she speaks again her voice is more steady. “And while I know you try to hide it, it’s obvious you care for the late king.”
I can’t help but wince at her words.
“If you truly care for him, I would assume you would do everything possible to avoid marrying another so soon.”
Her words are an arrow so true it hits the center of my soul. The weary part of me that sorrows edges toward unfeeling numbness that is more tempting than ever to sink into, but I’m nothing if not stubborn and have always had a strong survival instinct. Am I strong enough to grasp that instinct now? If notfor myself… can I do this for Ikar? For Mama Tina and Renna? For the other Tulips? Darvy and Rhosse? The kingdom?
A spark of life lights within me. But it’s small, and my heart’s so bruised it can’t seem to handle more.
“I’ll think about it,” I mumble.
I can tell she wants to argue, but she must sense that I’m done because she presses her lips together and returns to her sketching.
I burrow beneath the furs on my bed and turn to face the wall as Rupi tucks herself beneath my chin and cleans her feathers in rhythmic motions that are soothing and normal, and I’m reminded how much I missed her. Even with Rupi near and my eyes burning with fatigue from being woken so early this morning and kept out all day, I still struggle to sleep. I’m in no mood for further conversation, so I lie there, facing the wall, holding Rupi close until I hear Tatania ready for bed.
Soon the room is quiet, and at some point during the long night, I finally doze off.
Gloam mists around me as if it’s waiting until it can completely consume my body. The only thing that breaks the darkness is bright light cutting through the shadows, and I find myself before Ikar again. It feels as if I stare straight at the sun, but I can’t pull my eyes away from his face.
