Page 143 of Unexpected Forever
The wind blows through my hair, and nausea churns in my belly. Anguish battles with grief and disappointment.
Cathy and Jim had been the only family we had left—Mom had been an only child—and now they were gone as well.
It meant I’d never know for sure the story of my parents.
But if I sat back and looked at it through the lenses of an adult and not a terrified little boy, the puzzle pieces came together.
Could it be that it wasn’t that my parents hadn’t loved me, but in their own way,couldn’tlove me?
If demons plagued them, had they only been capable of taking care of themselves?
The fog in my head I’ve lived with for twenty-five years starts to lift, little by little.
Could I forgive them for neglecting me and Megan?
Could I forgive them for cutting my childhood short?
For leading me to believe that love, family, and all that went with it wasn’t an option for me?
And that had turned me into a workaholic? I’d used my career as a crutch because baseball was an easy mistress to satisfy.
I need to try.
If I forgive them, it doesn’t give them absolution.
But it would give me freedom. Freedom from my past and a situation I had zero control over but that I’d let run my life all the same.
My gaze runs over their names and dates again, but this time they look different.
Blowing out a breath, I lean my elbows on my knees. “I can’t say that this is going to be an easy thing for me. I wish I knew for sure what happened to you both, so I can make it make sense. But that isn’t an option, is it?”
I pause as though waiting for them to answer, but again, it’s just the wind.
“I want to forgive you guys. Once upon a time, you were good parents, and maybe you really did want to be a loving mother and devoted father. That’s what I want to think anyway. What I do know is that it’s exhausting carrying around this anger and regret. Which means, I’ll come visit more often. Though it won’t be for a few months.”
“I met a woman. One who makes me feel everything, and up until now, I’ve only let her see the parts of me that aren’t broken. But now I want her to see every wound, every flaw. Because I know she’ll love me anyway.” A grin curves my lips. “And she’s having my baby. Your grandchild.”
The loss of them hits hard, and alone on the bench, I let the tears fall.
I sit for another hour and ramble. It’s surprisingly easy to talk about my life the way I would if they were still here. If life had played out another way.
It hadn’t though, but I’m no longer willing to let the what-ifs dictate my life.
I feel lighter than I ever remember being and walk out of Rosemont Hills a different man.
It represents my past, broken and sad as it may be, and while it is a part of me, it will no longer define me or dictate my future.
Charley and our baby are my future.
Now it’s time for me to step up and hit that grand slam.
THIRTY
charley
“There. Done.”
I shut down my laptop for the day, my last day before maternity leave kicks in.
