Page 130 of Unexpected Forever
I wish it didn’t but it dissipates my anger and leaves my heart raw.
The truth is I want to tell him I’m happy for him, that it’s what I want for him. Because I know how much it means to him.
But now that it’s reality, all I can think about is how I’m going to have to explain to my child that as much as Daddy loves him or her, it wasn’t possible for him to be with us.
I spin back around. “Don’t you think where you live plays a factor in our child’s life, Nate?”
His lips purse. “Of course it does.”
“So what’s the plan? How are we going to deal with this?” My voice comes out so calm, I don’t even recognize it. “Make me understand how this is going to work, Nate.”
He sighs heavily, pacing the length of the room, never looking at me. His long legs eat up the space quickly, his breathing ragged.
After several moments of silence where I feel like I’m going to jump out of my skin, he stops and meets my stare.
“I…I’m fucked-up, Charley. I’ve learned to hide it well over the years because I’m in the public eye. But the truth is, there’s a reason I keep everyone at a distance. It’s so I can’t abuse anyone like my parents abused me.”
He sits down on the end of the bed and looks up at me. “I told you why I started playing ball. It kept me sane, centered me. I never dreamed I’d be in the majors. All I knew was when I played, I could lose myself in it. Forget for just a little while that Megan and I were nothing but a burden to our parents.”
He drops his head and shakes it. “I never wanted a family because I didn’t want to pass on my trauma to another person or a child. I mean, their genes are in me, Charley.” He scoffs. “I don’t expect you to understand it. How can you even understand it with all the family you have always showing nothing but love?”
I shake my head, my heart splintering at his admission. I want to wrap up that little boy he was once upon a time and tell him how amazing of a man he was going to be and not to be afraid of letting others in.
But that little boy is long gone, and Nate is a grown man choosing to let the wounds eat away at him.
“No, no. I get it. You like to keep everyone at arm’s length. And this situation we’re in now has made it difficult for you to keep yourself insulated.”
His head raises up and he looks me in the eyes. “I thought I could do it. I really did. I thought I could shut out all those demons, white-knuckle my way through the trauma for you and Nugget.” He shakes his head. “But it’s not fair to you or our child.”
I narrow my eyes. “You keep saying you’d never neglect your child, never make it feel ignored and used. But there’s more than one way to make a child feel neglected. Trying to keep yourself at a distance is just as hurtful.”
He shakes his head as though he doesn’t believe me. “It’s not the same thing. It’s to protect, not harm.”
I scoff. “Call it what you want, but the fact is you’ve hurt people. Just ask Megan.”
His head snaps up, and he comes to stand in front of me. “I didn’t want to subject Megan to the media, Charley. I told you that.”
“Distance is distance, Nate.”
He crosses his arms over his chest, his eyes flashing his own brand of anger and hurt. “You’re twenty-six and barely had a stable relationship of your own, Charley.” He moves closer. “Why is that? Could you be keeping your distance as well?”
Anger wars with sorrow and it feels like I’m having a heart attack. “Don’t deflect, Nate. Maybe I keep my distance too, but I didn’t do it with you. I let you in.”
His expression is incredulous. “Let me in? You think you let me in? I told you things I’ve never told anyone, including Megan. And what did you tell me about you in return? Nothing.”
My heart twists, knowing he’s not wrong. Every muscle in my body aches, wishing he were wrong.
Still, I lift my chin. “I would have never made life-altering decisions without discussing them with you first.”
I know my comment landed where it was meant to when he looks away.
I turn my back on him and walk over to the wall of windows overlooking the pool and mountains on the horizon.
God, I love this place. But it’s never been mine to love.
Just like the man standing behind me.
I turn back to him, pulling my arms close to my body like a shield. “You know, I thought we had something, Nate. I know we didn’t start that way. I mean, your sister is my best friend and she’s marrying my brother, so I knew I’d see you again at some point. But I figured it wouldn’t be often. And we could act like normal.”
