Page 26 of Diesel
He doesn’t stand. Doesn’t move other than to wrap his fingers around the edge of the table. “I’m not going to. Things are moving. Happening. I think some of my club brothers are fighting for change. If I join them, we can fix this. When that happens and the club is safe, I swear I’ll introduce you to every part of that world. And we’ll have the life I wanted for you, firefly.”
“The only thing I want is you.”
“No.” I snap the word and he rises to his feet. “No. You tell them you’re done. I’m not going to bury you, Zane. I’m not going to live without you again. Not for a single second.” I fist my fingers into his tee, as if I can hold him here.
Stop him from slipping away.
“I can’t walk away from this. I wish I could, but I can’t.”
“You have to.” I don’t care how hysterical I sound. I’m terrified for him. How didn’t I see any of this?
He brushes a piece of my hair back from my face, unbothered by the death grip I have on him. I lean into his touch, needing every ounce of warmth he has. “You just have to be strong for a little while longer.”
How many times did I beg him to talk to me, or to hear me? And all that time he was choking down truths he thought would break me.
“Did you keep this from me because you think I can’t handle walking through fire with you? Do you think I’m weak—even after everything we’ve survived together?”
His eyes flash, confusion beneath the anger. “I know you can handle it. It’s not you I’m worried about.”
“Then what?”
“Me!” he says. “I’m worried about me! If any one of them so much as breathes near you, I’ll lose it and there’ll be nothing to stop the wrath that will follow. I’ll gut men I’ve called brother for years. Men I’m supposed to be loyal to. I’ll burn the fucking clubhouse to the ground if any one of them touches you, firefly. And that’s why I don’t want you near this. You’re not going to become a headstone, do you hear me?”
I swallow the bile rising up my throat. Pregnantwomen dead, danger lurking at every corner and the man I love, the only constant in my entire life, is caught in the middle of it all.
“I know you think keeping secrets is protecting me, but it’s not. It’s always been you and me against the world, Zane, and when you push me aside it makes me doubt everything about our lives. There were so many nights I lay alone in our bed, wondering if you’d already checked out of our relationship. Then you’d turn up like nothing had changed, like you still wanted me. And now I learn you were fighting a war I didn’t even know was happening.”
He cups my face with a desperation that trembles through his hands. “You can doubt everything, but never that I love you, that I need you.” He kisses the corner of my mouth so softly it makes me cry. “You and I are woven together in a way that can never be untangled.”
He leans his forehead to mine, and for a moment I allow my husband to hold me like he didn’t just set off an explosion in the middle of our lives.
NINE
DIESEL
Makenna doesn’t pushme away, even though she should. It’s a fucking miracle I don’t deserve, and I hold onto it like a drowning man. Shit. I could have lost her. I still might. My chest feels carved open, a hollow pit where certainty used to live. I thought I was protecting her, but all I did was push her away.
The air between us feels fragile, like one wrong move might screw everything up even more. I swallow the scream trapped behind my ribcage, too scared to make a sound while she’s still in my arms.
If she walks, I won’t survive. I’ll shatter. There won’t be anything left of me worth saving.
I stroke my knuckles along her face, needing to touch her. She’s pale, dark smudges under her eyes, and damp streaks down her cheeks. Tears I caused.
My hands tremble. I’m bleeding love and fear in equal measure. How did I fuck this up so much? I almost broke the only thing that’s ever made sense to me.
“I don’t know where we go from here,” she admits in a small voice.
“I fix things with the club, and we get on with our lives.” I say it firmly, as if that can make it happen.
“You told the truth, and I appreciate that, Zane, but it doesn’t magically erase everything that’s happened.”
Static is building in my skull, a kind of panicked desperation. Every breath feels like inhaling razorblades. “You’re not leaving me.” I don’t mean to snarl it, but I do.
“Zane—” she says my name like she’s already bleeding from a wound I can’t see.
“No.” My breath catches. “Please, firefly. Don’t walk away from me.”
I’ve never begged for anything in my life, but I’ll get on my knees for her. She opens her mouth, but whatever she’s about to say is swallowed by the sound of my phone ringing.
