Page 72 of This Heart
I smiled. “I believe you.” I inhaled again as all the memories came flooding back to me. “Hope wanted so badly to move to Moose Village because sheneededto get away from Randal, and she didn’t want to tell me the truth, so she lied and said she was pregnant with our baby. We had slept together the night before we decided to split up in a sad attempt to see if there was still anything between us, so I didn’t think twice about the baby not being mine.”
“When did you find out? Did she finally tell you the truth?”
I shook my head. “About a month before Hope found out she had cancer. I was looking for the lease we had on our place in New York City because the guy was claiming we owed him more money. Long story short, I found the documents from Randal’s lawyer. I was so shocked, I didn’t want to believe it. Hope walked in and saw me holding the papers. She tried at first to make up a story, but the truth soon came out. She confirmed that Winnie wasn’t mine. I still didn’t want to believe her, so I got a paternity test done, and it showed I was not Winnie’s biological father. Hope only knew for sure because apparently, Ronald insisted on one as well. She didn’t tell me any of this until after the fact though. I probably would have done the test anyway, just for my own sanity. I needed to know. Not that it makes a difference.”
Mary closed her eyes and whispered, “Holy shit.”
“Tell me about it. I was so angry with Hope that I told her I wanted a divorce. I didn’t want to lose Winnie, though, and I told her I wanted custody, fifty-fifty. She could stay in Moose Village, I’d pay for the house and everything for Winnie. She was upset with me, cried, begged me to give her another chance, but I just couldn’t. Things had already started to go downhill between us, even after we moved to Moose Village. The only reason I hung in there was for Winnie, and I had this stupid idea that Hope would eventually love Moose Village and we would find that spark we had when we first met. It had died out long ago though. My mother, to make matters worse, had suspicions about Hope from the moment Winnie was born. She never bothered to tell me; instead, she focused on hating Hope more and more as time went on. Even if she had known, her treatment of Hope was uncalled for.”
Mary buried her face in her hands, then dropped them. She stared straight ahead. “That was why she kept saying her cancer was karma. I would tell her she was crazy for thinking that way.”
“She would say the same thing to me. The sicker she got, the more guilty I felt because I was only staying with her because she was dying. I often wonder if I had shown her some love that maybe it would have helped. I couldn’t do it, though, but I wouldn’t have left her to fight alone.”
“Liam, you had nothing to do with her dying. She had an aggressive form of breast cancer, and Winnie should have been enough for her to fight with all her might. And I like to think she did. At least until the end, anyway.”
I nodded.
“And you never thought twice about raising Winnie as your own?”
Shaking my head, I quickly replied. “No. Not at all. I held her when she was born. I fell in love with her the moment her eyes met mine. I didn’t care if I wasn’t her biological father; I was the only father she had ever known. Winnie is mine and will forever be mine. It doesn’t matter to me that she and I don’t share the same blood.”
“Does my dad know?”
I shook my head. “You’re the only person I’ve told. I promised Hope I wouldn’t tell anyone.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes before Mary finally spoke. “That was why Hope got crazy jealous of Aurora at the end. Oh my God, it makes so much sense now. And that was why Aurora pulled away, but she thought it was because Hope was jealous of how much time Aurora was spending with Winnie; actually, she was worried that you were falling for Aurora. That’s why you pushed Aurora away after she died, because you knew you had feelings for Aurora.”
“That pretty much sums it up.”
“Liam, why are you denying your feelings for Aurora then? Hope is gone. You don’t have to ignore your own heart because of the guilt that you feel. Hope was in the wrong.”
“She was your sister, Mary.”
She let out a humorless laugh. “I know that, but that doesn’t make what she did right. She used you by lying about Winnie being your daughter, then used her cancer to draw you back to her. Let me ask you this. If Hope hadn’t gotten cancer and you divorced her, would you be with Aurora?”
I shrugged. “The more time Aurora and I spent together with Winnie, especially when Hope refused to leave the house, was when I started to feel something other than friendship for her. She made me feel so alive, and for that brief time, I could forget everything with Hope and the cancer and biological parents. I was heartbroken about Hope being sick, pissed off still about finding out Winnie wasn’t my biological daughter, and honestly, I was just angry. With Hope, the world. All of it. I wasn’t sure if my feelings for Aurora were because I was so angry with Hope and I was drawn to someone else, or if they were genuine feelings I was having.”
She nodded. “That’s fair. But what about now? If Aurora has feelings for you, and you have feelings for her, why are you ignoring it?”
With a gruff laugh, I replied, “I’m scared. I still feel guilty, and I’m trying to work through that, but I don’t want to lose the friendship I have with Aurora. I’d rather have her in my life as a friend than risk telling her my feelings and it not be reciprocated.”
“I don’t believe that excuse. You cannot tell me that you don’t see or feel the way that woman looks at you. Tell her the truth!”
“I can’t.”
She let out a disbelieving laugh. “Why not, Liam? Why can’t you tell Aurora how you feel?”
“Because I promised Hope I wouldn’t be with Aurora!”
The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.
“What?” she slowly asked. “You did what? Why? Why in the world would Hope ask you to promise her that, and why would you agree?”
I looked down at the ground. “The day Hope died, she asked me if I had feelings other than friendship for Aurora and made me promise not to lie to her. I made the mistake of telling her the truth, and the hurt in her eyes about killed me. I regretted it the moment the words were out. She broke down in tears, and she was in so much pain, and I knew she didn’t have much time left. She made me promise her that I wouldn’t…that I wouldn’t let any other woman raise Winnie. She made me promise that no one but you or I could watch her. No daycare at all. She wanted her to be raised in this house, not in any other. She was losing her mind at the end and…fuck, she had all these things she didn’t want me to do, and I felt like it was the least I could do for not being able to tell her I loved her. I was going to be raisingherdaughter, and she would be gone. It didn’t seem fair.”
Mary blinked a few times. “You know what isn’t fair? My sister asking you to make those promises. She made a promise to you, too, Liam, and she broke it. Not once, but twice! If not more times. How unfair of her to deny you happiness because she couldn’t have what she wanted. Yes, she was my sister, but what she has done to you makes me so angry I could scream.
“She knew you didn’t love her and that the only reason you were with her was one, because of Winnie, and two, because she got cancer. I loved my sister, Liam. I miss her more than anything, but she betrayed you in more than one way, and if you can’t say it out loud, then I will. She not only caused you pain before, but she is doing it now by controlling your every move and denying you the ability to listen to your own heart. You need to forget all about those stupid promises, let go of the guilt you are carrying and be honest with yourself and Aurora. You deserve to find out where this might lead.”
