Page 7 of This Heart
“Liam, Hope isn’t here anymore, and what she asked you was unreasonable on her part. You’ve got to think about this realistically. You’ve got to work or you’re not going to be able to pay for this house.”
I turned to him. “So what you’re trying to tell me is that life moves on.”
He drew his brows down. “Yes, I guess that’s exactly what I’m saying. By moving on with life, that doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten Hope, or that you aren’t allowed to grieve. I don’t know what you’re going through.”
“No, you don’t!” I shouted. “You have no fucking idea what I’m going through, Nathan. And that’s the thing…I’m not grieving.”
His eyes widened. “Really? It sure as hell seems like it. Listen, I know you and Hope were going through a rough spot before the cancer diagnosis, and I don’t know what you’re going through if it isn’t grief. But whatever the hell it is, you’re drowning in it, Liam.”
I shook my head. How did I explain to my best friend that the entire town thinks I’m lost without Hope, when in reality, I was feeling lost for some other unknown reason.
“I can’t explain it, Nathan. Because I don’t feel grief, I only feel guilt.”
“Have you thought about going and talking to someone?”
I shook my head.
“Okay, so you’re feeling guilty. I’m here if you ever want or need to talk, just to let you know. But you can’t ignore life. You’ve got a daughter who needs you, and I know you spend a lot of time with her here at the house, but you’re avoiding everyone in town. When was the last time you took Winnie to storytime, just the two of you?”
My head pounded. I didn’t want to admit he was right. I needed to say it out loud, though. “I can’t remember.”
“And you don’t see a problem with that? Why are you avoiding friends?” Nathan asked. “Liam, I’m not trying to get you to forget about Hope and everything that you have went through, but you can’t hide out here in this house like this.”
Closing my eyes, I let out a long breath. “You’re right. The reason I don’t want to see friends isn’t because I’m grief-stricken over Hope…it’s because I’m not. And you have no idea how guilty that makes me feel.”
“What?” he asked, surprise laced in his voice. “I mean, I knew you asked for a divorce, but I had no idea your feelings for Hope hadn’t changed during the time she was getting treatments.”
Setting the empty whiskey glass down, I scrubbed my hands down my face. “Fuck. I can’t talk about it all right now. The Hope I met and fell in love with…”
My voice trailed off.
“Dude, you need to talk to someone if you don’t feel like you can talk to me. I can see you’re being eaten alive from the inside, and you can’t do that. What you have to do now is concentrate on Winnie.”
I dropped back into my seat. “Once Mary is gone, I’m on my own. What if I mess this kid up?”
Nathan let out a chuckle. “Liam, you’re the best father I’ve ever known besides my own. You’re not going to mess her up. The first thing you need to do is stop pushing people away. If they want to help you, then let them. Trust me, you’ll get a pattern down, and the two of you will do great.”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
Nathan stood. “I’ve got to run. I’m having dinner with my parents, Lou, and Aurora tonight.”
The mention of her name caused my heart to free-fall. I attempted to sound casual as I asked. “How is Aurora?”
“She’s good. I’m honestly surprised she hasn’t stopped by to visit. She was so good about it with Hope, and I know she loved helping with Winnie.”
Great. More guilt piled on, and it felt like someone kicked me right in the chest. Did I dare tell Nathan that the last time I saw Aurora I had been awful to her? I said things I didn’t mean, and it upset her and caused her to leave. I had been in a bad place that day, and unfortunately, Aurora Banks had been in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I stood. “Do me a favor?”
“Sure.”
“The last time Aurora was here I said some pretty shitty things to her. She hasn’t spoken to me since. That was back in March.”
His brow went up. “What did you say?”
I exhaled and pushed my hand through my hair. “I accused her of trying to replace Hope in Winnie’s life and…” I stopped before I added ‘and in my life’. Clearing my throat, I went on, “I asked her if it had been her plan all along.”
Nathan took a step back as anger grew in his eyes. He drew in a slow breath and exhaled. “She was Hope’s friend, as well as yours, Liam. All she ever wanted to do was help you both out, and you knew how much she loved Winnie. I thought the two of you were friends.”
