Page 2 of This Heart
Hope sat down in the chair across from Dr. Nelson as I took the seat beside her. Her treatment plan had consisted of radiation and chemotherapy at first. Then they had started her on targeted therapy. After months of hardly being able to get out of bed, Hope had decided she needed a break from all the treatment, and she seemed to be feeling better, although she still got tired easily, which was to be expected since she hadn’t been off the treatments for very long. Today we were due to get the results from her latest scans to make sure the cancer had not spread.
“How have you been feeling, Hope?” Dr. Nelson asked with a warm smile. Something was off, though, I could see it in his eyes.
“I’m okay, I guess.”
Turning to look at her, I frowned. Before I could ask her what she meant, she went on.
“I have a bit of pain in my back and shoulder, but I think it’s from picking up Winnie. I might have pulled a muscle.”
Still staring at her, I tried to remember when she had picked up Winnie, our almost two-year-old daughter. Most of the time she would shoo our daughter away or call our friend Aurora Banks to see if she would come and take Winnie to the park or the bookstore. She hardly ever spent time with anyone other than the occasional time she would ask me to watch a movie with her. Truth be told, she wanted to stay in the house all the time, and she wanted me and Winnie to block out the rest of the world with her. It wasn’t fair to Winnie, and it wasn’t something I was willing to do. So, I had been trying to carry on with life as best I could while also being there for Hope. I hadn’t divorced her yet, not once I heard she had cancer. I couldn’t do that to her, no matter how much she had betrayed me. She was still my wife and the mother of my child.
Frowning, I pushed those thoughts away and said, “You didn’t tell me you were hurting.”
Hope turned to me and smiled. “It was nothing. I didn’t want you to worry.”
She focused back on Dr. Nelson. “My energy was returning after we stopped the treatments, but I’ve been feeling a bit more tired lately. Nothing bad, though.”
Dr. Nelson cleared his throat.
“Why do I feel like you’re about to tell me something bad?” Hope asked with a nervous laugh.
His eyes met hers, then mine, and I knew in my heart of hearts it was not going to be good news. My hand had been on my upper thigh, and I gripped it hard, steeling myself for the news he was about to give.
“The cancer has spread to your lungs and your liver.”
Hope drew in a breath as I closed my eyes and also drew in one.
“Is it because I stopped the treatments?”
He shook his head. “You weren’t off them for very long, so no. The cancer has spread even with the treatments.”
I cleared my throat. “So, do we start up with the treatment again?”
Dr. Nelson looked down, then up to Hope. “We could. You’re at what we call metastatic breast cancer. The rate at which the cancer spread from your last scans is…alarming. There is no easy way for me to say this, Hope and Liam, so I’m just going to tell you the facts. Treatment is no longer an option. The best we can do now is make you as comfortable as possible with any pain you may be experiencing or other issues that may arise.”
I stared at him. I knew what he was saying, but I needed to hear it from him. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying Hope has maybe three to six months before she will die from the cancer.”
My thoughts instantly went to Winnie. Would she even remember Hope? Would Hope even have the energy to spend time with Winnie before she got so sick she couldn’t get out of bed? Had I done everything I could have for Hope? Did I try hard enough to be there for her? The instant guilt overwhelming me nearly caused me to cry out.
Hope, on the other hand, sat up a bit straighter and nodded. “Okay. Then I want to make the most of my last few months. Whatever medicine you can give me to help me through the days with Winnie, I want them. I want to be able to play with my daughter and take her on walks. I want to spend one last Christmas with her, feeling the best I can.”
I turned and looked at her. I knew my expression was one of shock since Hope had hardly paid any attention to Winnie even when she wasn’t sick yet got pissed when other people did. My head was swimming. I turned and faced Dr. Nelson, who had clearly been watching me. I could see it in his eyes. Hope wasn’t going to be able to do any of those things. He cleared his throat and focused back on Hope.
“We will make you as comfortable as possible.”
She folded her hands in her lap and replied, “Good. Let’s make a game plan, then.”
What’s that old saying? About the best-laid plans. Hope really tried to make the best of the situation by spending as much time with Winnie as she could, before she was eventually too sick to get out of bed. Hope hadn’t made it but a few months before the cancer took her life. In those last few weeks, life had been hard, primarily for Hope, but also for me and Winnie. Toward the end, Hope hadn’t been herself and refused to even see Winnie. She had thrown words of hate my way time and time again, then would beg me to forgive her. It had been an emotional roller coaster I never dreamed we’d ever have to endure. Not to mention the guilt I felt. The day Hope passed away, I had closed my eyes and thanked God for finally taking her…the strongest guilt of all was the relief. The sense of ease from the grief. What kind of a man feels such a thing? I thought those feelings were over, but I was wrong.
Even from the grave, Hope had a way of hanging on to me whether I wanted her to or not.
Aurora
June
Storytime at the bookstore was always one of my favorite events. It helped that I adored kids and had one of the best children’s sections in all of New York. Okay, maybe not all of New York, but in the greater area of Moose Village. The store was currently being remodeled in stages, so that I could stay open, and although it was a nuisance, we were making it work without interrupting any of the store’s events.
