Page 30 of Girl, We Go Together
Cayla
For a moment, I stared at the picture of Orion’s mom that hung on the wall in the hallway. It had been two months since the funeral, but the heaviness still sat in the walls of Orion’s house. Grief clung to him like smoke. I tried everything I knewto comfort him. I was cooking, holding him at night, and even sitting in silence when he didn’t want to talk. But no matter what I did, he seemed farther away each day. His eyes were colder, his touch less often. Sometimes it felt like I was sharing space with a stranger instead of the man I was falling for. It made me uneasy. I was finally walking better now. The limp wasn’t as sharp, and the ache in my calf was easing day by day. The thought kept circling my mind: maybe it was time to go back to my own place and to give him the room he clearly needed.
The space that, for the past two months, he had been showing me he wanted. No, he didn’t say out of his mouth to get the fuck out, but some days, the way he treated me said it for him. I told myself it would be better for both of us with him grieving. I was trying my hardest not to feel like I was in the way.
On this night, when he came through the door with his shoulders sagging but his jaw still tight, I decided to say it. I inhaled the smell from the Midnight Blue Citrus candle burning before opening my mouth.
“Orion,” I started, my voice softer than I meant.
He dropped his keys on the table in the foyer and looked at me with tired eyes. He didn’t even offer a verbal response, but the way his eyes darted let me know he was waiting for me to speak. I positioned myself more comfortably on the couch before speaking.
“I’ve been thinking… since I’m walking better, I should probably go back to my apartment.”
For a second, he just stared at me. Like he couldn’t believe what I’d just said. Then he shook his head hard and stepped closer in my direction. He sat beside me with his eyebrows dented in confusion. His voice broke in a way I’d never heard before.
“Don’t do that to me, Cayla. Don’t leave.” He grabbed my hands, holding them so tight it almost hurt. “I just lost my moms. I can’t lose you, too.”
His eyes glossed, and for once, all that hardness in him cracked. The begging in his voice pulled at something deep inside me.
“Move in with me,” he said, “stay here. I need you, please.”
The words hung in the air. They were heavy and desperate. I could feel my own breath catching, torn between the space I thought I needed and the ache in his voice telling me he couldn’t take another loss. I felt my throat tighten as he held onto me, his eyes searching mine like I was the only solid thing he had left. All the distance and all the cold shoulders he had been giving me for months melted in that moment. He was showing me a side to him that I couldn’t ignore. A side to him that I just couldn’t turn my back on.
“Okay,” I whispered, nodding before I could second-guess myself. “I’ll stay. I’ll move in.”
His relief was instant. His shoulders dropped, and he pulled me into his chest so hard.
“Thank you, baby,” he murmured against my hair, “you won’t regret it.”
I wrapped my arms around him, letting him believe that I was steady, that I wasn’t scared of what this meant. But inside, my thoughts flickered elsewhere. My apartment. The neighbor right below me had a daughter who was about to start her first year of college. She wanted to give her child her own space, so she had been asking if I knew anyone looking to sublease. Stacy seemed like a good mom. She wanted to give her daughter the freedom that she had desperately wanted, but still wanted her close to home. I’d brushed it off before, but now… now it seemed like the perfect solution.
If I were going to stay here, then maybe I could let her daughter take over my place. There would be no rent on my shoulders and no ties pulling me back. I could even up the price a bit so I could walk away with a little something each month. And worst-case scenario, I would always have something of my own if I needed it. I tightened my arms around Orion and closed my eyes. Out loud, I’d chosen him. But inside, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d just given away my last bit of freedom.
The next few days blurred into a whirlwind of boxes, bags, and late-night runs to my old apartment. Orion was happier than I’d seen him since his mother died. His mood was lighter every time he carried something of mine into his house. He’d smile when he saw my clothes filling up his closet, my lotion bottles lined up next to his cologne on the dresser, and my shoes stacked in the hallway like they belonged there.
“You see this?” he said one night, pointing at the row of my things beside his. “That’s what a home’s supposed to look like.”
I forced a smile and nodded. Out loud, I said,yeah, it looks good.Inside, though, it felt different. I had never lived with a man before, and with each box unpacked, it felt like another string was being cut between me and my own space.
Stacy had jumped at the chance to sublease for her daughter. She showed up with wide eyes and fast words, promising she would make sure her daughter took care of the place. The upkeep was on her child, but the financials were on her. I didn’t see how she was about to pay two rents, but when she explained that she was a neurosurgeon, I minded my business. She even slid me a deposit before I’d even packed the last of my dishes. I kept big furniture there, which she was grateful for because shedidn’t want to furnish the place, but things that I would need on a day-to-day basis came with me. It should’ve felt like a blessing and one less thing to worry about, but watching her take my keys left my stomach feeling a little empty. Deep down, I felt like I’d just given away more than a set of locks.
Back at Orion’s, the house was filled with me: my throw blankets were on the couch, my body wash was in the bathroom, and my favorite candle was constantly burning in the living room. But even surrounded by all the proof that I lived there now, I couldn’t shake the whisper in the back of my mind. This was his space. His world. I was folding myself into it, hoping I could make it mine too. Still, when he wrapped his arm around me at night, he pulled me close like he was afraid I’d vanish, and I kept quiet. I told myself I’d made the right choice. I decided that being with him, especially now, mattered more than holding onto a little apartment across town. Even if a small part of me wondered if I’d just packed away more than boxes.
I sat cross-legged on the bed with my phone propped against a pillow while I talked to Zynea on FaceTime. She was all the way in California and just now getting ready for bed, even though here it was pushing past midnight. The time difference always made our conversations feel off, like I was in a whole different world from her. The Brooklyn Nets had her dancing all over, so we didn’t speak every single day like we used to. But when we did find the time to catch up, we chatted for a while.
“So, you really moved in with him?” she asked, sipping from a glass of iced tea. “Girl, that’s big.”
I gave her a tired smile, glancing at the piles of folded laundry stacked on the dresser. Orion let me stay here withno responsibility for a bill, so in my mind, I took care of things around the house to make up for not being financially responsible for anything. I did the laundry, cooked the meals, and cleaned.
“Yeah, I did. He basically begged me to be here. He said after everything with his mom… he couldn’t take me leaving either. So, I packed up and let the girl downstairs sublease my place.”
Zynea tilted her head, studying me the way only a best friend could.
“And how do you feel about that? Not him. You.”
I hesitated before responding. My mouth twisted a bit as I thought of the words to use to answer her question.
“It’s… a lot. I’m still adjusting. Some days it feels right. Other days, I wonder if I moved too fast.”
