Page 84 of Girl, We Go Together
“You're the one standing right there,” she said while flicking her nail against the screen.
My jaw tightened. I grabbed a nearby napkin and wiped Ocean’s face before picking him up. He instantly quieted once he was in my arms. His head dropped on my shoulder. He sighed out once I started bouncing him from side to side, and that got tome. All my kids were so similar. Oriana still did that same thing; sometimes, when she was tired enough, she would hum lightly just as her mother did. I used to love that sound when I heard it every day. When she used to live under my roof. When me and her mother were still together.
Now, I was juggling three kids, and the woman carrying the fourth one hadn’t moved from the couch in an hour. Oriana threw her spoon, causing oatmeal to splatter across the wall.
“Dammit,” I muttered while setting Ocean down.
Brandi glanced up long enough to roll her eyes.
“You ain’t gotta cuss in front of the kids.”
The next curse to fly out of my mouth was going to be me calling her a bitch, but I swear I was trying to work on myself.
“You serious right now?” was all I could spit out.
“I told you I didn’t even wanna have company this weekend. You insisted on bringing all your kids here.”
This bitch done let that baby bump get to her fucking head because complaining about company in a house you paid no bills in was fucking diabolical. And then who she was complaining about made it ten times worse. My kids. She was speaking on my crew like they were a burden and like they weren’t a part of me. Ocean started to whimper again; his little lip started that trembling shit. Then here came OJ’s goofy ass tripping over his toy truck. I already knew that more waterworks were coming when I saw how hard he hit the floor. The sound snapped through the air, and when it did, I felt everything in me unravel.
I picked OJ up, checked his knee, and told him he was fine. Even though I could feel the tightness building in my chest, I pushed my feelings down and picked my chin up because I wouldn’t lose my shit in front of my kids. So many times, when Oriana was a baby, I had taken things over the edge with her mother in front of her. I was working on not making that a thing.This was supposed to be family. This was supposed to feel like something real, but it all felt like bullshit.
When I glanced at Brandi again, she was back on her phone. This bubble-headed bitch was sickening, and it was too late for me to see that shit. She was probably scrolling through the same Instagram post that had gone up last night. The one from our baby shower with the matching Burberry fits. The one that made it look like we had it all together. When, in all actuality, it was fucking fake. Every last bit of it.
Brandi was cool in the beginning. She was a listening ear and some good pussy, but quickly, her ways turned into what I could pay for or what I could do for her. And once she pissed on a stick and it was positive, she just thought she could have her way with me. The only reason I let her think that stupid shit was that I was working on a better me. She was lucky she had come at my ‘trying to heal’ phase. She was trying the fuck out of me. Honestly, she had better learn to step carefully around me, because at any given moment, I could fucking blow. Instantly, I missed when life felt simpler, felt lighter.
Cayla’s face flashed in my mind. The way she used to laugh when I’d say something stupid, how she used to keep the house spotless, even when she was dead tired. How she made things feel like home. I swallowed hard because guilt started to press down on my chest. Brandi huffed like something was bothering her.
“What are you looking like that for?”
“Nothing,” I said quietly.
But it wasn’t nothing. It was everything. Standing there with kids crying, toys everywhere, and a woman who didn’t even look up long enough to care made me realize one thing… I missed the hell out of Cayla. The worst part of this feeling was that I knew I’d done this to myself.
By the time the house finally went quiet, it was close to midnight. Ocean was knocked out in his portable crib with a pacifier barely hanging from his mouth. I told Shenell that his ass should be done with that thing, but she insisted that he still needed it to sleep. OJ was sprawled across his bed sideways with one leg dangling, and he was snoring like a grown man. Oriana had fallen asleep in my bed with me and Brandi. She had curled up under my arm while I rubbed her back until her breathing evened out. The silence was full of everything I’d been trying not to think about. I sat there with my back against the wooden headboard, just staring down at her little curls that rested against my bicep. She looked just like Cayla when she slept. And just like that, it hit me all over again. I really threw away probably the best shit I ever had.
I used to have everything that any man could ever want. A home. A woman who actually cared. I legit had someone who would’ve never let me carry all this alone. I rubbed my face and leaned back further against the headboard. My eyes burned from exhaustion and regret. When Cayla and I split, I wanted to move how I wanted, with who I wanted, without answering to anybody. And look at me now… surrounded by kids, noise, and a woman I couldn’t even hold a conversation with.
Brandi was so detached when it came to my children that it was sickening. She didn’t check on them once. She’d gone straight to bed after dinner, mumbling something about her feet being swollen.
The afternoon and evening were just like the morning, filled with noise and chaos. By dinner, everyone had nuggets and fries and was running amok in the living room. While they all played,I cleaned up the mess in the kitchen. Once that was done, I bathed all three of them, laid out pajamas, got them ready for bed, and kissed their foreheads. This was the same routine Cayla used to do without complaint. And earlier, all I could think about while I stood over the sink, rinsing sippy cups and washing dishes, was how I’d watched her do it like it was second nature. She made taking care of Oriana and OJ seem like a breeze. She always found a way to make things look easy, even when I knew she was tired.
Back then, I was too blind to appreciate that shit. And I damn sure was too caught up in my pride to see what I had. I glanced at my phone on the nightstand. Her name was still in there as Cay with that old heart emoji I never deleted. My thumb hovered over it for a long minute. I wanted to text her. To say I was sorry. I really felt sorry for everything. I wanted to ask how her kid-free weekend was going. A little conversation to have a quick interaction with her. But what could I even say?Sorry, I fucked up and cheated with Shenell and got her pregnant.Or,sorry, I fucked your dumb ass friend and got her pregnant.Or maybe,sorry I messed up something real.She didn’t deserve that type of confusion. I sighed, setting the phone back down, careful not to wake Oriana.
“Daddy loves you,” I whispered while brushing her hair back.
She stirred a little and mumbled something that sounded like mama, and my heart clenched. Because even in her sleep, she missed her. And so did I.
Cayla
“You get little mamas back today, right?”
I watched as Kassidy stepped into his shoes, and a piece of my chest was aching because, honestly, I didn’t even want him to go.
“Yup, my little monster will be back.”
“Okay.” he looked down at his phone for a bit before continuing. “What time do you have to be at work in the morning, and what time does she have to be at daycare?”
He was patting his pocket, and I already knew what he was looking for. I pulled the robe around my body closer before walking over to the coffee table to fetch his wallet. After handing it to him, I answered.
