Page 60 of Girl, We Go Together
“Don’t even start with that,” Zynea snapped, the way only a best friend could.
“You’re already doing more than half these women out here. You left a toxic man, you're keeping a roof over y’all heads, and you're still chasing the dream you had before he even came into the picture. That’s not failure, that’s strength.”
Tears burned my eyes, but I kept them in check.
“You got people around you who love you, Cay. Me, Ali… even Brandi in her own messy way. You’re not alone. And Oriana? She’s already got everything she needs. You.”
I swallowed hard, my voice barely a whisper. “You really think I can do this?”
“I don’t think,” Zynea said firmly. “I know. And one day, you're going to look back and realize this was the moment you leveled up. Watch.”
I looked at Oriana again, her little fists waving in the air like she agreed. Maybe Zynea was right. Maybe I really could do this.
Chapter 22
Cayla
One year later…
Alot had changed in a year, and I was salty as hell about it. Ali had moved to Europe to be with a man she met on one of her trips over there. Zynea was still traveling around with the Brooklyn Nets, dancing. Brandi had been coming around more frequently since Zynea had been traveling, and I was still stuck in one place, struggling.
Orion had finally reached out to me for Oriana’s first birthday. Honestly, I shouldn’t have even let her go with him since he was missing for almost a year. But I always prided myself on not standing in the way as long as he wanted to be a dad. When he came to get her, I tried my best to fix myself up some before hauling her and her things down six flights of stairs. He told me he couldn’t come up to help, and when I finally made it outside, I saw why.
In the backseat of his new truck was a baby strapped in a car seat. It was so damn cute, like a baby girl, but I knew he was a little boy because he was dressed all in blue. His age is what stung; he looked like he was a little bit younger than Oriana. When I first caught a glimpse of him, Shenell crossedmy mind. For months, I had been wracking my brain on making the decision to leave because I hadn’t heard anything about him having another child, but the harsh reality of the doe-eyed baby gripping onto his plushy toy was right in front of me, right on the other side of the window. That moment is what started to brew bitterness in my heart.
All the veterinary clinics near me were fully staffed, so I settled for being a dog washer at a local grooming spot while I waited for a position to open in the clinic part. When the bills started to pile up, I filed for child support. That had to have been the best decision I had made because with my measly check, I was able to finally be afloat after my savings had run dry. Just thinking about the day when Orion was served child support papers put a tightness in my chest. I remembered the night clear as day. I was sitting on the couch with Oriana on my chest when my phone buzzed. It was a text from Orion.
So this is how you're moving now? Papers? You really put the white folks in our business?
My stomach knotted, even though I’d been expecting his anger. Filing for child support wasn’t about hurting him… it was about survival. Formula wasn’t cheap. Diapers weren’t cheap. And he hadn’t been showing up the way a father should. I could tell that leaving him hurt him because he wanted nothing to do with me. But that didn’t mean he could abandon his daughter as well. I stared at the screen, trying to find the right words. My thumbs moved slowly.
I had to do what’s best for Oriana. She deserves consistency.
The three dots blinked, disappeared, and then blinked again. Then, his reply came fast, laced with venom.
Man, you foul. You really gonna play me like I’m some deadbeat? Aight bet. You made your choice.
Before I could respond, another message hit.
Don’t text me no more.
Quickly, I went to respond.
How many times have I asked for your help?
When the blue bubble text went green, I knew what had happened. Blocked. He had blocked my ass. I sat there frozen with my heart thudding in my chest. Oriana still breathed softly against me. He cut me off like I was nothing. Like his daughter meant nothing. I blinked away from the distant memory to see my toddler, who was going bat shit crazy in front of me.
“Aht, aht… don’t do that, Oriana. No, baby, don’t put the carpet in your mouth.”
I fussed as she aggressively picked at what was left of our balding carpet. I dug my finger into her mouth to get the fibers out, and of course, she had a damn fit. I never understood why babies raised hell about you trying to stop them from killing themselves. She was having a whole damn fit.
Between Oriana’s wailing and me thinking of the bills piling up, I was in my feelings. I had regrets about leaving Orion. I knew that once the child support money came rolling in, I would feel different. Still, as of right now, in the moment as I looked around at my torn couch and balding carpet, I didn’t know if leaving was the best thing to do. After I had gotten Oriana’s tantrum under control, I sat her back on the floor so I could get dinner ready.
I had work tomorrow, and she had daycare. I was lucky to even get food stamps and childcare paid for by the state. My job working at the groomers was on the corner of her daycare, which meant dropping her off and picking her up was convenient. Once she was fed and washed up, I laid her in my bed with some pillows on the edge to catch her just in case she rolled. Forcing all our stuff into my one-bedroom apartment was challenging. I got rid of her crib because I figured she could sleep with me until it was time to get her toddler bed. Even a year later, I still hadboxes and bags in the same corner where the movers had put them.
When I got into the bathroom and was given a second to myself, I took in the moment. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw the exhaustion written all over my face. The only break I had was when Zy was in town and decided to take Oriana for a few hours. I was spreading myself thin and running on nothing. Sooner or later, I knew I would shut down, but I had to keep pushing for Oriana. I wasn’t too sure how much longer this child support process would take, but I had to keep my head held high until the extra funds came in. I was pretty sure that I still had soap suds on my ass from washing so quickly. I was so damn tired, and the sooner I hit my bed, the better.
Kassidy “Kass” Crawford
