Page 37 of Girl, We Go Together
Cayla
The smell of baked chicken and garlic mashed potatoes filled the kitchen. I was proud of myself for cooking, especially with the way my energy had been all over the place. Sitting across from Orion, I finally felt calm, like this was what a family could feel like. The start of something good and bigger, just us, laughing a little while enjoying a good meal. I reached for the serving bowl and scooped another spoonful of potatoes onto my plate. It was something about comfort food that was my favorite. That’s when his voice cut through my happiness.
“You sure you want more, babe? You know they say you gotta watch what you’re eating for the baby.”
The fork froze halfway to my mouth. He said it smoothly, like it was just a helpful reminder, and like he was looking out forme. But I caught the way his eyes flicked down at my stomach before he took another bite of chicken. He didn’t even wait for my response; he spat the words out and then continued eating as if his words did not hurt me. As if the shit he just said out of his mouth couldn’t hurt me.
I laughed it off, setting the fork down.
“It’s potatoes, Orion. Not a cheeseburger.”
He smirked and then shrugged. “I’m just saying, I gotta keep you healthy. You need to be mindful that you keep the weight down for delivery, that’s all.”
The words slipped out casually, but they stung. I felt heat rise in my chest. This feeling was similar to a distant feeling I used to get years ago. This felt like the same self-consciousness I thought I left behind in college bubbling back up. This feeling in the pit of my chest is how I used to feel when Lamont first started mentioning my weight gain. Thinking about how far I had come from those memories only to feel back in the same spot made my eyes water.
Orion didn’t even notice. He just kept eating, humming low like the food was too good to interrupt. I chewed in silence; the potatoes suddenly felt heavier in my mouth than they’d been five seconds ago.
Outwardly, I smiled. I even reached for my glass of water, sipping slowly like nothing was wrong. But inside, I tucked that little comment away with the others. It was now locked in a vault with the other ones that sounded like jokes, like concern, but carried more weight than he realized. And as I sat across the table from him, pretending to be unfazed, I told myself, again, to keep it bottled up.
After dinner, Orion said he had to go check something at the club. That left me alone and in my thoughts. The house seemed quieter than ever. Even Mello was tucked away in his bed. If this was how Orion was acting, and it was only the beginning of mypregnancy, I had serious doubts about keeping this baby. Even the night outside was still as I slipped into a nightgown and then climbed into bed.
I curled up on the edge of the bed, my hand resting on my stomach as if it already showed. I cringed at my stomach getting bigger, at me getting bigger. I sighed because I wasn’t quite ready for my body to go through a change. The room was dark except for the glow of my phone screen. I scrolled down to Zynea’s name and hit call. I chewed on my bottom lip while it rang.
“Girl, why are you calling me this late?” she answered, her voice groggy but playful.
I hesitated but quickly spat it out. “I had to tell somebody.”
“What? What happened? You sound all serious.”
I pulled in a breath because the words that I was about to say didn’t even sound right to me.
“I’m pregnant, Zy.”
There was a beat of silence before she practically squealed into the phone.
“Cayla! Oh, my God, are you serious?”
I smiled before there was a weak little curve of my lips.
“Yeah. I took the test earlier this week, and there were two lines.”
Zynea’s voice rose with excitement.
“Girl, that’s big! You are about to be a mommy! How are you feeling?”
That’s when my smile flattened. I twisted the hem of my nightgown. My eyes started burning as I tried to keep my voice steady.
“I don’t even know. Part of me is happy. Like… really happy. But then, I’m nervous as hell. What if I’m not ready? What if he’s not ready?”
Zynea went quiet, listening the way she always did when she knew I was cracking inside.
“And Zy,” I whispered, “he has already been making these little comments. About what I eat, how I look. Like… like he’s worried about me getting bigger.”
“Cayla…” she said slowly, her tone shifting from excited to protective. “Don’t let him get in your head like that. You’re carrying life. That’s a beautiful thing, period. And if Orion can’t see that? That’s his flaw, not yours.”
I pressed the phone tighter against my ear, swallowing down the lump in my throat. I wanted to believe her, wanted to hold onto that encouragement, but the cracks inside me still felt too wide.
“I just don’t wanna do this alone,” I admitted softly.
