Page 56 of If I Gave You My Heart
"So then, why didn't you just give us up as soon as we were born? Why would you ever sit there and have us create memories with yo—"
"Because I thought I could do it!" she yelled.
She was breathing heavily, and so was I. Everything in me wanted to slam her ass all over the ground like a bag of ice.
"I had the parenting stuff going good when I had y'all father around. When he could no longer be around, I just felt overwhelmed."
"You shoulda swallowed us then. You're weak for falling to shit just because a nigga wasn't around. I'm thirty years old, and I ain't ever see Joy sweat. A man ain't ever been around this bitch, and she has been holding it down. So in my eyes, you'll always be a weak-ass bitch."
"Baby, go and take a walk," Joy jumped in.
"Nah, Ma, let him get this shit off his chest," Jolene interjected before turning to me. "If I'm weak because I gave my kids to the strongest person I know, then so be it."
"Yeah… weaker than a muthafucka."
I was testing her, and I knew by the glare in her eyes that I was getting under her skin.
"Baby! A walk," Joy was damn near yelling.
I was disrespecting her house in the worst way, and I knew it. This was the second day, too. I walked past Jolene, and I had half a mind to bump her on the way out, but I didn't.
"Aye, bruh, I'm coming," Javier stood to follow me out.
I needed to run to the liquor store because just having that woman around me got up under my skin. Out of my peripheral, I saw Nyoka stand, so I held my hand open behind me so that she could grab it as she always does.
"Nyoka, I need a word with you," I heard Joy say.
I turned around and made eye contact with Nyoka, and she just nodded her head for me to go.
I knew Joy must have wanted to have that heart-to-heart with her that she hadn't been able to do since we had come into town.
"Where we going, bruh?" Javier asked once we were on the porch.
"The liquor store."
"Now that's what the fuck I'm talking about," he eagerly responded as if Joy's ass was gonna let him drink.
I knew deep down in my heart that I could forgive Joy, but when it came to her daughter, the woman was dead to me the moment she walked out of the door and told us that someone would be there for us in a bit.
Nyoka
I looked out the screen door and watched Adonis and Javier walk toward my Jeep until I couldn't see them anymore. All of this information was entirely too much for me. I was trying to rush out the door with Adonis when he was going, but Joy wanted to speak with me. I wasn't sure what it was about, but it bothered me that her daughter was coming along for the sit-down. Onyx did say on the phone that we needed to talk, but I felt like this wasn't the place for the kind of talking we had to do. I had my ears wide open and locked in. Joy she said that she used to do murder-for-hire. The shit must run in their blood. It was cool but also very sad because both women put The Heart Mirage before their own children.
I subsided my inner thoughts as I followed behind Onyx, who followed behind Joy. We quickly made our way toward the shed in the backyard. Joy pulled a key out of her pants pocket and then unlocked a padlock on the door. We followed behind her into the dark shed. She flicked a light on the wall, and on the shelves around us were canned goods and what looked like moving boxes had the wordsphotosandtoyson them.
"Ma, was it necessary to talk in this dusty shed?"
"Privacy is golden, Jolene. Now shut your mouth," Joy ordered as she walked to the back of the shed toward a weird-looking door.
She put her finger onto this pad that looked to be scanning her print.
Ding.
She pulled the door open, and there was an open elevator behind it. Both Onyx and I silently followed behind. All three of us stepped into the steel box. My stomach went hollow as it started to descend. I don't know if it was the motion from the elevator or it was the fact that I was locked in a steel box with a stone-cold killer and her mom. I wondered how Joy could even tolerate Onyx wanting to be an assassin. I knew if I ever decided to have children, I would be hanging my necklace up. When we stepped off the elevator, Joy flipped a switch. As she walked into the room's darkness, lights on the ceiling illuminated with each step. The same crescent that was hung around Onyx's neck hung on the wall.
"Have a seat," Joy instructed as she took one at the head of the table.
Everything seemed normal to Onyx. As I looked around the room and at the pictures on the wall, everything was starting to make sense to me.
