Page 95 of As the Years Pass
“Not as good as him,” Nathanial adds with a wink, nudging me with his elbow.
I huff out a laugh. “Do you ever stop?”
“No,” Mario and Pete say at the same time.
Nathanial mocks offense. “I’m just being honest!”
“Well, anyway, thank you all for your help. You all get a free drink tomorrow night,” I say.
“Aww, and he’s sweet too.” Nathanial bats his eye lashes.
“Good night!” I call out as they head for the door. I hear Nathanial laughing until he’s on the sidewalk.
I gather my things to leave, locking up behind me. The drive home is quick. There isn’t much traffic at this time of night.
My house is dark when I pull up to it, and I sit in the car, just staring at it. This house is nice, but it’s so… empty. I grew up with a house full of people. I got used to the noise and it became a comfort to me. Even with the TV and radio on, there is no life in this house.
In California, I lived in a duplex with my parents, so even though I was on my own, I was close. It was by choice because I love them and didn’t have any reason to leave. We’ve always been close, and that’s just how things were. They were getting older, and I felt better being there.
Moving here has been a change in so many ways. Being alone. The bar. The house. The city. My mother passing… something I’m not quite sure I’ve dealt with yet. I prepared myself for this when we first found out, because we knew she didn’t have much time, but it doesn’t make this part of it any easier. Knowing she isn’t around when I want to talk to her is the hardest part. I’d accepted she was dying before, but at the end of the day, she was still here. Now she’s not.
I’m not sure if all this change at once was better or worse—like ripping off a band-aid, getting it all done at the same time, rather than spreading it out. Maybe. I don’t know, and I can’t change it now.
My mind drifts, and I imagine having a different life.
Coming home late at night. I’d open the door, and Adam would be waiting up for me on the couch, the TV on, sleep in his eyes because he’d fallen asleep even though when I ask, he’llsay he’s wide awake. The kids are asleep in their rooms, and I look in on them to make sure they’re okay before I start to settle in for the night. I’ll shower, then Adam and I will go to bed together. Maybe make love, maybe fuck. We do both, and both are amazing. We’d wake up the next day, I’d cook us breakfast while he gets the kids settled with cartoons. We’d eat together, then spend the afternoon doing fun things like going to the park or going for a hike.
Why did he ever think he couldn’t have this with me?
He never said those words to me, but his fears were obvious. He made some of them known by the questions he’d ask or the comments he’d made. When he left me, it was abrupt, but it shouldn’t have been such a shock. I allowed myself to ignore the signs. I trusted him, I loved him, I wanted to be with him. Nothing else mattered. Everything would be fine because I had him and he had me. I was so wrong. So damn wrong.
Some would say he doesn’t deserve another chance, but I don’t believe that for a second. Adam didn’t hurt me on purpose. He was young and scared and didn’t know what to do. I can’t blame him for that. We’re older now, and though we have things to work on, we can figure it out. We will figure it out together because it’s what we both want.
I shut my car off and head inside. The house is too quiet, too dark, too empty. I should get more furniture, but I can’t justify buying stuff I won’t use. I’m hardly here to use what I have now. I go right to the bathroom to hop in the shower, washing off the smell of the bar and the kitchen.
I have interviews all week next week for cooks and another bartender. I’d wanted to hire someone before this big weekend but I just got too busy with other things, so I’m going to be there to help Pete man the bar. And hopefully, there will be some promising people for jobs, and we can get them trained and settled before our next big event.
When I’m clean, I drop onto my bed and throw the blankets over me. I toss and turn for a long time, glancing at the clock often. Adam must be sleeping by now, and though I want to call him, I won’t. He’s with the kids, and I’d hate to wake them up. I decide to send him a text, just a simple one saying good night. Then I roll over and force myself to sleep.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Adam
I’ve barely spoken to Emmet today, but I know he’s busy. He’s been busy all weekend, which is why I haven’t seen him. I miss him, and it sucks, but that’s life.
The kids went with Leslie earlier, so they could go to the parade. They’d asked if they could go with her, and of course I didn’t mind, especially not if I could be with Emmet.
Though, there is a small part of me that feels guilty over my choice. I could be at the parade. We could be there together, both of us with the kids, so they could see us getting along, but I chose to let them go with Leslie alone. But how much does it really matter?
They’re having fun regardless of where I am. I’m there for all the important things, and that’s what counts. I’m allowed tohave time for myself too. I’m allowed to have fun. If only I could stop feeling so damn guilty over it.
The bar is packed when I get there around four, the shamrock shot challenge in full swing. There is a long table set up between the bar and the booths on the left, five guys on each side, each with a clear cup in front of them with a shot-sized amount of green liquid inside. Emmet is on the end.
“Okay, this is round two! On one. Three, two, one!”
The guys closest to me take their shot, then put the cup down and flip it. So it’s flip-cup, I guess. I watch them as I make my way to the bar, a lot of people cheering them on.
“Hey, Adam,” Pete says. “Care to try our St. Paddy’s Day special?”
