Page 102 of As the Years Pass
At what point do I give up and let it go? At what point am I going to be strong enough to stop holding onto hope and see what’s right in front of my face?
I love Adam, but I deserve the life I want, and I’m not sure he’s willing to give it to me.
I’m tired of hiding who I am and waiting for the perfect time to live the life I want.
But I know myself, and I’m just not ready to give up on him yet.
I ring the bell four times before the hallway light turns on, telling me someone is coming down the stairs. Adam pulls the door open. His hair is ruffled, eyes full of sleep.
“Hey,” he says, voice raspy.
“Can we talk?”
“Yeah, of course.”
He steps aside to let me in and I head right upstairs and into his apartment.
“Sorry, I fell asleep.”
“You don’t have to be sorry.”
He closes and locks the door, then heads into the living room. I follow him, and we sit on opposite ends of the couch. We avoid eye contact for far too long, staring at the floor or our hands or the walls. I need to be the first one to talk, but there is so much on my mind I don’t know where to start. But I need to be the one to do this, I need to be the one to fix this. So I shift my leg up, bending it at the knee to rest on the couch so I can put my back to the arm and face him. He looks up, still tired and maybe sad too.
“I don’t know how to have this conversation,” I admit.
To which he quickly adds, “You’re breaking up with me.”
“No,” I blurt out. “No, I’m not.”
He lets out a relieved sigh. “I was sure you were, but I’ll be honest, I don’t understand why.”
I close my eyes, taking a steadying breath. I can’t get mad about this, I just need to explain.
“Adam,” I start, then take a moment to collect my thoughts better. “Adam,” I say again. “When I told you that I still love you, I meant that. When I told you it’s only ever been you, I meant that too. I came here for you, with hope in my heart that we could be together. I knew it was possible I’d never find you, or you’d want nothing to do with me, or we’d only be friends, but thenthishappened. Maybe I’ve gotten ahead of myself, andmaybe I’m moving too fast, but I have never been so sure of anything in my entire life. Us, Adam. I am so sure about us, it’s scary.”
He stares at me, not saying a word, and maybe not breathing. But I continue because I need to say this and he needs to hear it.
“You can’t blame me for being worried after what happened last time. I know what your life consists of, and I want to be part of it. I want all in, Adam. I need you to hear me when I say that I amall inwith you and your kids. I’m tired of hiding, and I understand this isn’t easy for you, but hell, I need to know it’s what you want too. Not just me and us, but all of it. A family.”
He blinks, eyes watering. “I’m sorry,” he chokes out. “I didn’t—“ Looking away, he clears his throat. I want to move to him, but I’m not sure it’s the right thing to do in this moment. He looks back at me. “It’s not fair to keep you on the outside, but I don’t know how to do this any other way. It’s always been just me. I—”
“No!” I say, getting to my feet. “Don’t you see that’s the problem? It’s never been just you, Adam. I’m right here. I’ve always beenright here. You chose to leave, and I came back, and you’re doing it to me again.” I throw my arms out wide. “I am standing right in front of you, offering everything I have to give, same as I did last time, and you have the audacity to tell me you’re alone.”
His face falls, looking a mix of offended and confused.
“I need to know what you want, Adam. Actually, no—“ I shake my head. “I don’t need to know what you want, I need to know what you’re willing to give. Because maybe you aren’t strong enough to go for what you want, but I am. I know what I want, and I have no problem taking it.” I gesture around. “As you can see. But I can’t do this alone.”
“This is a lot, Emmet,” he says softly.
My anger flares, coming from the hurt that’s in my chest, but I push it away and keep calm.
“I get that, Adam, and I am trying to be patient, but I’m not sure how much longer I can be a secret to you. I don’t know how much longer I can be kept on the outside of your life, watching and waiting for you to let me in. Maybe… maybe this just isn’t the right time for us.”
He wipes beneath his eyes, the tears leaving wet marks on his beautiful skin.
“Maybe it’s not.”
My heart shatters right then. I’m frozen, my veins turning to ice. My feet have grown roots, planting me to the ground. I can’t move. But I have to because I certainly can’t stay here.
